Wheeling Jesuit University/People/Chris Bling
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Christopher Bling was the floor leader of the Residence Life political platform at Wheeling Jesuit University and a close associate of Billy Cabra, Overlord of ITS, for four years, until a scandal revealed by the Council of Light forced him to abdicate. Bling's ideology is based primarily on the works of Immanuel Kant, Thomas Malthus, and Boyz In Da Hood.
Early Childhood[edit | edit source]
Bling's childhood was fraught with difficulty as his father, Lawrence Bling, was the leader of the grassroots movement called "Sho' Yo' Stuffz", a reactionary group dedicated towards finding as many uses for faux-leopard skin as possible. As the Blings lived in a neighbourhood that was almost entirely white save for them, they were often at the receiving end of many insults and threats, culminating in the dumping of more than 4,000 alarm clocks down the chimney of the Bling house, all set to ring at three in the morning.
School was ordeal for Chris Bling, as he was unable to progress beyond elementary school due to being unable to complete reading out loud the nursery rhyme, "Hickory Dickory Dock". Frustrated with himself, Bling moved to Western Virginia, hoping to be inspired to create a new life for himself.
Setbacks[edit | edit source]
On the way to Western Virginia, Bling blew a tire. Twice, he pulled up to a Dairy Queen only to find it closed.
Coup[edit | edit source]
While eating at a local diner, Chris Bling was considering his options when a tall man dressed in black entered the same diner and asked to be seated at the same booth. Intrigued, Bling did not resist when this shady character sat himself down; this mysterious figure turned out to be Lundius Superbus, who was looking for a scapegoat to lead a revolution. Lundius introduced himself as the head of the "People's Peaceful Revolutionary Peasants', Soldiers', and Seamens' Party for a happy fun time and to get rid of that jerk-face Fed Acker Huang", and asked for Bling's assistance. He told Bling to apply for the position of Vice-President for Student Affairs at Wheeling Jesuit University, and he would help Bling get the job if he would help him stage a coup against the reigning emperor.
Bling agreed and did as Lundius requested. In spite of his total lack of any sort of basic qualifications, Bling was hired on the spot for the post in 2001, and, in accordance with his deal with Lundius, led Residence Life to victory against the evil Fed Acker Huang.
Later, In A Darkened Room Somewhere...[edit | edit source]
Lundius Superbus was irked by Bling's obvious stupidity, but impressed by his resourcefulness. After he was installed as president of WJU, Superbus asked Bling to join the then-scattered League of Evil for the purpose of unifying them against the Council of Light. In a surprise move, Bling agreed, but then broke the League of Evil away from Lundius' control. Infuriated, Lundius' devoted all his resources towards to getting them back, but by then, Chris Bling had developed powers of his own.
Scandal and Downfall[edit | edit source]
Eventually, Chris Bling was forced to leave Wheeling Jesuit University, after a series of poor decisions that the Churchill Society, Wheeling successfully exploited. For more information, please see Residence Life.
Powers[edit | edit source]
Chris Bling is able to turn his body into solid gold, rendering him practically invincible in combat. He developed this ability after accidentally drinking from Big Wheeling Creek. He is also capable of compelling students to kill themselves through heavy use of a technique known as Important Information.
He also is well-versed in the ways of the pimp.
Current Location[edit | edit source]
After leaving WJU, Bling went to North Carolina and established a small rouge state and proclaimed himself Chancellor. He has also been named High Priest in the Church of Shiny Objects. His new status and the war was recently released through a *SPAM: PHRASE* email. Here is the notice:
- Black Clergy Alliance
- The speaker will be Rev. Corey King, of North Carolina, where he is Assistant Vice Chancellor for Student Experiences at East Carolina University.
- “The Next Day: Moving Forward,” is the title of King's talk.
- King formerly served as Vice President for Student Affairs at Wheeling Jesuit University.
The people lose.