What you didn't know about Mario & Luigi
Hi, I'm Mario. You know who I am, right? Well, you should; I'm like... famous and shit.
So, anyway, as most of you guys out there know,[1] I had this girl named Pauline, and she was taken by this badass dude, Donkey Kong, right? So I went on this barrel-filled adventure to get her back, and I guess I did a pretty good job of it too, because I got her back.
Anyway, we break up, and I meet this chick Peach (Princess Peach that is). So me and Peach are livin' it up, having a good time, when all of a sudden this dick Bowser and his little pumpkin pie, Bowser Jr, come out of nowhere and take her. So I'm like, "Well F this," and I go on yet another amazing quest, filled with monsters, bad guys, suspenders and curly moustaches, to save her. So then, after many castles, many battles & many nights getting high on shrooms, I finally save her, whoopie.
So she gets all flustered and is like, "Oh Mario, you're so hawt!" and I'm like, "Aww shucks". So long story short, we get married. And we lived happily ever after. Sound about right? Wrong!
We lived happily ever after until about... oh... I'd say... the very next day.
So that's why I'm here, I'm here to tell you what really happened, when it happened. Not the made up version of my story, the real version. Uncut, and uncensored.
The Very Next Day[edit | edit source]
So me and Peach were on our honeymoon in one of those castles, ya know, one of the ones with those spiky balls rolling all over the place. I took her there because I felt like those balls would make her think of some other balls.[2] It was actually kinda funny, one of those balls rolled over her foot,[3] and broke three of her toes! Well... I guess you had to be there... Anyway, we were doing all that stuff you probably never did on your honeymoon, going swimming, skipping stones, and most importantly, playing Yahtzee in our hotel room. It was magical.
Anyway, I excused myself to the bathroom, and when I came back, I found her in bed with another man! But what was worse, she had obviously changed her score card!
So I of course ran out of the room crying. I mean, I couldn't fight that guy; he'd just had an orgasm and I'd just had my heart broken; he would definitely have the upper hand! And besides, a girl had just beaten me at Yahtzee; even if she was cheating, it's still kinda embarrassing. But don't worry, I made sure to cry the manliest cry I could muster, just to show that guy who was boss.[4] Because we all know that if it wasn't under those circumstances, I would've beat the coins out of him.[5]
That day I vowed I to never play Yahtzee again, and I haven't since![6]
And Luigi was there to pick up the pieces[edit | edit source]
My heart was broken. I fell into a terrible bout of depression; I started drinking and watching reruns of old soaps.[7] I might've died if Luigi hadn't found out. He helped me through it. He got me into a twelve step program, and we even had some one on one time. [8] We went camping, we bought some groceries, we had an interesting conversation with some guys at the gas station,[9] Eric and Tom I think their names were...
Anyway, he made me see it a different way: I was a free man, not a single man. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to. Now would be the time to try new things - maybe switch from two percent to whole milk.
Not to mention he got me back into ass-kicking; we started small, a Goomba or two. Then we grew, and we went on to 
those horrid flying shelled things, whatever they are... and before I knew it, I was kicking ass daily! I owe Luigi my life, and my taste buds; whole milk tastes so much better.
So now I was a free man[edit | edit source]
And I decided that I didn't need a woman anymore. I bought a house somewhere between level seven and level eight.
Every Tuesday and Thursday I go to Luigi's house. I usually walk, though, because I crashed my Yoshi about a year ago and haven't gotten around to getting a new one. But that's okay; I need the exercise. I've put on a little weight since I stopped going on adventures. It was actually a little awkward; I crashed it in to Peach's current boyfriend. So that didn't go well... Actually, that was probably on account of me telling hem he had a face like a Goomba, and a penis that looked like it took a mini-mushroom (cut me some slack, I was angry!).
Anyway, that's my story, I hope you liked it. If not... eh... I don't really care. I mean, why should I? You're a looser anyway.
But anyway, I gotta go. I have Project Runway TiVoed, and I'd like to watch it before the new one comes on tonight.
Oh! But before I go, let's check up on Peach, and see how much better she's been without me[edit | edit source]
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Especially those of you who are 42 and still live with your mothers
- ↑ But I made a point of letting her know my balls weren't spiky, that way she would be more compelled to put them in her mouth.
- ↑ No, not one of mine, you pervert! One of the spiky ones!
- ↑ Actually, I think that guy was the boss on level four...
- ↑ Literally, after I beat him up I probably would've taken all his money. Maybe his clothes too...
- ↑ That day I also vowed to never go to the bathroom again. That one didn't work out as well...
- ↑ Not to mention porn.
- ↑ But not literally one on top of the other. You know what I meant, pervert!
- ↑ Not to mention porn.