What should I search for?
WOW! This page actually exists!
Yes, that's right. I have way too much time on my hands and have decided to create a page about nothing. WHAT?! YOU MEAN PAGES ABOUT NOTHING ALREADY EXIST?! DAMN YOU, BLOGGERS! Seeing as there's no point me sticking around, I suppose I may as well commit honourable death like the samurai of Japan did...does any body have a sword? No? Well, I suppose this chainsaw will do...OH GOD! I DROPPED IT ON MY LEG! ARRGH! DOES ANYONE HAVE A FEW TISSUES? IT'S JUST THAT THE BLOOD'S MADE MY HANDS QUITE SLIPPERY AND I CAN'T GRIP THE CHAINSAW! Oh, hi Mum. What? Why is my leg missing? Oh, I accidentally cut it off. Yes Mum. Nine times? No, this is only my eighth suicide attempt this week! Oh, you're counting sitting in the rubbish bin while they empty it into the truck with a bag on my head as two? Ah, right. I suppose the bag could have killed me alone. Fair enough. Could you fetch me a bag? I need to put my leg in it. What? Get it myself? WHY? What do you mean, 'I should have thought of that before I cut it off?' It was an ACCIDENT! I didn't MEAN to cut it off! Yes, I KNOW I should take some responsibility once in a while! Can't we talk about this some other time?! I'm about to black out from blood lo-THWUMP!
Am I dead yet?
Am I dead? OW! Well, obviously not. Anyway, that can be fixed! What? Oh, hi nurse. What? No, I'm not hungry. Can you just hang on a sec? I'm trying to drink these poisonous chemicals. HEY! What do you mean, 'don't die?' It could free up bed space! Oh, you mean not on your watch. Fair enough. Anyway, while I wait for your shift to finish, can you go find my leg? I dropped it on my bedroom floor, and I kind of need it. In the hospital freezer, hey? Well, could you go get it? I can't really walk so well with only one leg. You BITCH! You're just going to leave me?! AAAARGH! WHY DOES NOBODY EVER LISTEN TO ME!
Will you actually help me search for something?
No. Who do I look like, Confucius? I do? It's the wig, isn't it? I guess I'll exchange it tomorrow...no, I'm not insulted! I just don't want to be confused for someone I'm not. Yes, I tried to impersonate Michael Jackson that one time, but I was reeeeally drunk from that Chrstmas party...
What's that? It's a...YES! it's a syringe. What's in it? Is it...to hell with what's in it! Injection...OW! ahh..now that that's-, hey, a label! It's...WEREWOLF BLOOD? Well, there is a full moon tonight. I'm gonna be a werewolf with ONE leg? this is going to be interesting.
I guess I'll have to eat people, but who? Of couse! people who I hated. hmm...
My Seventh-Grade English Teacher
Of course? I hated her. She gave me soooo much homework...