War of the Worlds – The True Story
Mars, beautiful planet,
Planet made of "Red"
Tennyson, 5 October 1892
The Martian Conspiracy: Fact V Fiction[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular belief, the War of the Worlds is *not* a conspiracy theory but rather a historical fact, yet no one would have believed in the latter days of the twentieth century that Earth was being observed by intelligences far greater than man's. That, as mankind busied themselves with their various concerns, they were scrutinised and studied as a man might scrutinise the centrefold of a girly magazine. With infinite complacency men bought mobile phones, i-Pod players and BMW convertibles, serene in their assurance of their empire over small furry creatures called Rex, Tinkerbell and Snookums. Yet, across the gulf of space, superior minds regarded our disposable income with envious eyes, and slowly and surely they drew their plans against us.
The First Martian Invasion[edit | edit source]
Surely there cannot be a man, woman or gerbil amongst the faithful Uncyclopedia readers who is not familiar with The planet Mars, so I scarcely need remind you that it revolves about the sun at a mean distance of 140,000,000 miles and that the light and heat it receives from the sun is barely half of that received by our world. Whereas most planets are simply a solid block of rock, the make up of Mars consists of nougat and caramel covered in scrummy milk chocolate. If the nebular hypothesis holds any truth then Mars must be older than Earth. Even so, it is yet to reach its sell-by date. However, so vain was mankind that not one of our so called 'learned minds' expressed an opinion that intelligent life might have developed upon the surface of our aging relative. The fools! Had they learned nothing from the Transformer invasion of 1984?
Generation One Transformers first appeared in Japan as early as 1984. Cunningly disguised as toys, and utilizing varying humanoid-type forms capable of transforming into vehicles, they kicked Godzilla's butt and overran the Japanese army in a matter of days. From there they launched a sneak attack against the US military base at Pearl Harbour, completely destroying the HQ of Hasbro and thus eliminating any possible threat from the battalions of G.I. Joes stationed on the island. In the following weeks the Marvel comic group were able to offer only scant resistance to the Transformers - in the form of Spider-Man, Nick Fury, the Avengers and the X-men - and, had it not been for the timely intervention of Superman, Mighty Mouse, Banana Man and Paddington Bear, the Earth would surely have succumbed to the terror that was the Transformers. Nowadays, the surviving Transformers live in Delhi and work for Tata Motors on their vehicle assembly plants. Tata once unveiled the world's cheapest motor car (called the Ta-ta Na-nu Na-nu) which sold for 100,000 rupees or 2,500 Orkanian chindits; which converts to approximately $1.60 (US dollars) or £1.00 (British sterling) +VAT (Very Angry Taxpayers).
The Second Martian Invasion[edit | edit source]
It was in the year 1990 (less than ten years after Gerry & Sylvia Anderson had thwarted a UFO invasion from a (still) unknown race of sombre-faced extra-terrestrials) that NASA scientists noticed a 'jetting out of gas' from the planet Mars - intensely bright, colourful flares of gas that came out from the surface towards Earth. Hundreds of observers saw the flares, night after night, accompanied by dense clouds of smoke and dust; visible on Earth through powerful telescopes. Eventually the daily papers began covering the disturbances and headlines appeared concerning 'volcanoes' on Mars. The 'Martian Mystery' captured the hearts and minds of people the world over for several days before a 'kiss-and-tell' exposé involving a World leader and a one-legged cross-dressing midget from Guatemala stole the show.
Then came the night of the first falling star - Saturday, August 25th. It was seen early in the morning by drunken revellers returning home from a 24-hour binge in a fashionable west-end nightclub. Hundreds must have seen it, yet took it as a side effect of over-indulging in drugs, alcohol and contraceptive pills. However, early the following morning, on Hampstead Heath, it was discovered that an enormous hole had been made by the impact of a huge penis-shaped projectile. Soil and gravel had been flung violently in every direction, forming wobbling mounds that were visible in Pratts Bottom, Kent. The heath was on fire and a thin blue smoke rose against the dawn; caused by a thin blue line of policemen 'mysteriously' catching fire as they went to investigate this huge hole with wobbling mounds above it. The 'thing' itself lay almost entirely buried in earth and rock, however, the uncovered part had the appearance of a silver cylinder similar to a young lady's battery-operated plaything, with a diameter of about 90 feet - again, similar to a young lady's battery-operated plaything - and was still hot from its flight through Earth's atmosphere. Within moments of its discovery by mankind the projectile started to act a bit lairy. Slowly, very slowly, the circular top of the cylinder rotated. Something within was unscrewing the top!
Nearly two feet of shining screw projected when suddenly the lid came off and a big, pink rounded bulk, the size, perhaps, of a bear, rose slowly and painfully out of the cylinder. As it bulged up and caught the light, it glistened like wet leather, surveying the gathering of humanity with two luminous disk-like eyes. Then something resembling a little pink snake, about the thickness of a walking stick, coiled up out of the writhing middle. It was a Martian trouser snake!
Inside their cylinders, the Martians busied themselves constructing war machines using various mechanical parts salvaged from fly-tipped washing machines and dishwashers found in or around the various crash sites. Best described as monstrous tripods higher than houses and trees, the machines were walking engines of glittering metal with articulate ropes of steel dangling from them. Can you imagine a milking stool? Yes? Good! Now, instead of a milking stool, imagine a great body of machinery on a tripod stand. Can you imagine a £19.99 B&Q barbeque set? Yes? Good! Now you're getting the picture.
Yet, just as the Earth seemed once again on the brink of extermination by maniacal Martian marauders well-practiced in alliteration, a young out of work thespian from Hammersmith discovered that he could communicate with the Martians by playing a Swanee whistle through a special guitar amplifier that could be turned up to eleven. The British government then sent a hastily composed message to the Martians inviting them to take leading roles in a primetime television sitcom. In the words of (then) British Prime Minister John "Minor" Major: We offered them ‘all the soup you can drink’ and played them a little tune that went do-do, doo - doooooooo-do. It was in D Major... No relation. I think it might have been one of Lloyd-Webber's.
The Third Martian Invasion[edit | edit source]
It was in 2003 that the Martians staged their third and final(?) invasion of our planet. Now strangely mutated from the affects of smoking "Red Weed" the Martians used Transformer technology to construct for themselves impregnable body armour. Landing on Wimbledon Common in the early hours of Tuesday, the invaders slaughtered whole families of local Wombles and then busied themselves constructing warmachines using various mechanical parts salvaged from burnt-out cars found in or around the landing site. Best described as monstrous spoons, the machines were digging implements of glittering metal. The Martians then set about ravaging the Earth's soil of every spud they could find. However, this invasion was extremely short-lived because, just as the human race seemed once again on the brink of annihilation by the maniacal Martians, a young out of work lesbian from Hammersmith discovered that she could destroy the Martians by playing the 1919 Al Jolson hit "Swanee" through a special guitar amplifier that could be turned up to infinity.
The Martian Conspiracy: Fiction V Fact[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular belief, the H.G. Wells novel "War of the Worlds" is *not* a science fiction yarn but rather a cover story written (in 1898) to deflect public awareness away from the actual Martian invasions that took place between 1984 and 2003. Using a time machine that he himself had invented in 1895, Wells had/did/will travel/travelled extensively through the future and, having witnessed the Martian attacks and thinking that he might be on to "a nice little earner", decided to write a 'smoke-screen' story based on the events of the first Invasion.
The Martian Conspiracy: Fact v Fiction v Fact v Alien v Predator[edit | edit source]
Wonder if they'll ever know they're in the best selling show?
Is there life on Mars?
David Bowie , 1972.
Whilst the 1950's George Pal cinematic version of "War of the Worlds" was shot in a film studio using plastic models suspended from pieces of string, the 2005 Stephen Spilebug effort was filmed on location during an actual Martian invasion.
The "War(s) of the Worlds" have been documented on numerous occasions in numerous formats, notably:
* Mars attacks. Tim Burton's movie version of the third Martian invasion (curiously) depicted the invaders minus their battle armour, the end result of which was a rather scrawny-looking Martian that resembled an anorexic snot-bag. At the end of the movie the Martians were defeated by a fleet of Mr. Whippy ice cream vans playing KC and the Sunshine Band's "Shake Your Booty". Quite Bizarre!
- The 2005 'Pendragon' version of 'The War of the Worlds' is a low-budget home-made version that is not worth watching no matter how bored and sad you are.
- The 2005 'Asylum' version of 'The War of the Worlds' (also known as "Invasion") begins with a gratuitous 'titty shot' before descending into a gorefest that is not worth watching no matter how bored and sad you are; unless, that is, you like gratuitous titty and gore.
- Geoff Wayne's musical version of 'War of the Worlds' was a double/single/remix/extended-five-disc-collectors-item available on vinyl, tape and compact disc. It starred several 'has-been' and 'B-list' singers and musicians as well as Richard Burton, the great-grandfather of Mars Attacks' director Tim.
- Geoff Wayne's musical stage version of 'War of the Worlds' starred several 'has-been' and 'B-list' singers and musicians as well as a long-dead Richard Burton, the deceased great-grandfather of Mars Attacks' director Tim.
Mars Nonsense[edit | edit source]
- IS THERE LIFE ON MARS? AGAIN!
Is there life on mars, all those candy bars just make me ill - don't fulfil.
I'd like to be you.
Can you hold my hand? It's in the pan, next to your nighties.
My heart's in my mouth, I'd like to go South - except on Fridays.
Is there life next door?
I can't tell no more; maybe they're dead, in bed!
- Mick "Good Lord!" Ronson.
Mars Trivia[edit | edit source]
The 2005 Stephen Spellbog 'documentary' version of "War of the Worlds" starred little-known Martian shape-shifting thespian John Jones in the role of the stunted dwarf Tom Cruise.
Did you know that Mars is a registered trademark? Mars®. You see, I told you so.
The Martian phrase "Ulla!" (Oooh-laah) - the cry made by the Martians throughout the Jeff Wayne's musical version of "War of the Worlds" - translates freely into English as: "No, yeah, because what happened was we was goin' roun' Pluto’s but, yeah, then this whole fing happened, because H.G. Wells, who’s a total bitch anyway, had been completely goin' roun' sayin' that we stole water out of Mercury's atmos' - but we ain’t never not even been to Venus ‘cause they flick bogeys in your hair. So what happened was that this whole invasion fing happened, what I don’t even know nuffin about, because them Saturns had been goin' roun' sayin' that Mars smells of horse poo. But anyway, shut up, I ain’t never even built no tripod, so shut up. No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, because I’m not even eatin' no 'umans
because Venus reckons they taste like marmite and either you love 'em or hate 'em and then Uranus emptied its bowels into Tom Cruise's handbag and anyway John Carter reckons he fingered Martian princess Dejah Thoris of Helium before sacrificing himself to save Barsoom. No but yeah but no but yeah but don’t go giving me evils.
The American sitcom "My Favorit Martian" was cancelled after only one week because nobody had a 'favourite' Martian.
A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play.
The Martian Confectionary Company (MCC) produce a chocolate bar called "Earth". The company's marketing slogan is: An Earth a day helps you work, rest and empty your bowels in Tom Cruise's handbag.
Martians call their world Barsoom and refer to the Earth as "Barthooe". Thick #@###! Why can't everyone just speak English? You say favorit, I say favourite! Let's call the whole thing orfe.
Martians get really pissed if you call them trivial.
MORE MARTIAN FILMS NOT TO BE MISSED (unless you have something better to do – which is a distinct possibility!)
Robinson Crusoe on Mars (1964): Stranded on Mars with only a monkey as a companion, an astronaut must figure out how to find oxygen, water and bananas on a planet devoid of convenience stores.
Red Planet (2000): Astronauts search for solutions to save a dying Earth by searching on Mars, only to have the mission go terribly awry when they are unable to find a convenience store.
Mission to Mars (2000): When a manned mission to Mars meets with a catastrophic and mysterious disaster, a rescue mission is launched to investigate the possibility of opening a branch of the A.A.
The Martian Colony Wars (2009): When a US marine is mortally wounded fighting a vicious alien horde, he finds himself the subject of a David Attenborough documentary about the total lack of convenience stores on Mars.
And The Martians Have The Final Word On The Subject[edit | edit source]
"BE'LLOOW BEOOB BACKOOB!" We'll be back!
.