Vampirella
| Vampirella | |
|---|---|
 And she told me she only sucked blood! | |
| Publisher | Warren Publishing |
| First appearance | Appeared from under my bed after a one night stand with Dracula |
| Created by | Serial Gooner Corp members |
| Statistics | |
| Real name | Vorkulona |
| Status | Satisfied (I hope) |
| Affiliations | Transylvanian League |
| Previous affiliations | None |
| Notable aliases | Sucker of Many Things |
| Notable relatives | Lilith, Evily, Joe Biden |
| Notable powers | Sucking, flight, telepathy, arousal, shape-shifting, hypnotism |
Vampirella, also known as Vampy, Ella of Earth, or Lieutenant Normandy is a heroine, (not to be confused with the drug), that hails from the planet Drakulon, is a vampire, kills vampires, and is unfortunately not my girlfriend. Born on a rainy and cold night in the boardroom closet of a small publishing company, Vampirella Edition #1 was described as "just an artistic outlet for our boredom" and was unofficially the cause for at least 3 divorces. Vampirella is one of the few comics in existence that was illustrated single-handedly. Yes, literally.
Origin[edit | edit source]
Vampirella was born on the planet Drakulon, a world where a race of vampires lived on, you guessed it, blood. Drakulon, much like Krypton, got too close to one of its suns, spelling certain doom for Vampirella and her whole race, and causing them to wear less and less clothing to survive in the heat. (It's worth noting that Tatooine might actually be Drakulon as both have binary suns and both suffer from cyclic drought seasons, but this brings up too many questions that neither fandom might want answered). Naturally, due to the heat and the drying up of blood, all the inhabitants began shriveling up and dying. During those desperate times, a spaceship from Earth crashed on the planet after astronomers saw what they could only describe as "the most beautiful moons they could have ever imagined" with their high powered telescope and launched a space expedition to get a "closer look." Vampirella went to investigate and was accidentally attacked by the horrified and horny astronauts. After some foreplay that left all of them dead and her with brain damage, she discovered that blood flowed in their veins! After guzzling down some of that delicious red40 ooze, she managed to fly the mangled spacecraft all the back to Earth, and then began the Great Suckening.
After making it to earth, Vampirella tried to blend into society by going to a Adult Video Awards convention as that was the only place she would fit in her "costume." Unfortunately it was September 11, and the plane she took crashed into a skyscraper, leaving her seriously injured. Onlookers mistook her frantic escape attempts as another plane crashing into the tower. In order to survive, she drank all the blood of all the victims, even some of the first responders, and then she wandered off in a daze until she was found by members of the Cult of Chaos, or "Chaos Inc," a popular group based out of Newark, New Jersey. They brought her back to good health just to take advantage of her... "abilities," but once she learned that, she instead sucked all their blood.
Vampirella continued fighting Chaos Inc. and in the process, she found The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn; a banned occult book that helped her stop drinking human blood for sustenance. Unfortunately she was still addicted to sucking liquids from human bodies, and this attracted the attention of a certain Van Helsing who wished to capture her for his own nefarious purposes.
Her life goal is to defeat Count Dracula, a long lost relative who traveled to earth and got corrupted by Chaos Inc., and proceeded to just make a mess of things for everyone.
Powers[edit | edit source]
Vampirella has a whole host of powers, all of which her put a thicc thigh above all those wannabe heroes over at Marvel and DC. The most iconic of her powers is the ability to suck anything from the body of a human, including blood, cum, and other stuff like that. Although not necessary for her survival after reading Huck Finn, she still relishes the taste and the thrill.
She has a pair of wings that can appear and disappear from her back when required. However, they are not nearly large enough to provide flight for a fully grown woman, hero or not, so comic nerds hypothesize that she has some alien organ inside of her that enables her to become weightless or at least counteract the effects of gravity in some way. (Note: this organ cannot effect the upper chest area, in fact this body area seems highly susceptible to gravity's effects).
She also has hypnotism... this superpower is one that hardly needs any explanation, I mean just... look at... her. Her eyes are up there you know! Like all her fellow Drakulon-born budget vampire wannabes, she has the power to morph into a giant bat at will. Although she can fly as we already know, this allows her to fly as a bat instead of a hot goth woman with wings. Its unknown what the advantages of being a bat over that are, but they must be serious in order for this to make the list. And of course, super strength! Every other superhero has it, so naturally Vampirella had it too!
People She Has Battled[edit | edit source]
- Jeffrey Epstein - "She said she was 400 years old!" -J. Epstein as he was arrested.
- Count Chocula - Mistook him for Count Dracula. Clean up crew described his remains as "gooey."
- Armadillo - A very hairy man who claimed to be a werewolf and spelled his name as "Armadyl."
- Bald Ass Fechin - Literally a bald ass mofo who hated vampires
- Blood Red Queen of Hearts - After being ruined in her trial against Alice in the kingdom of Wonderland, she turned to the dark arts. She serves under the Chaos Inc. CEO and wishes to become his queen. She has no idea that he is gay, so her attempts at seducing him are a comic element in the series.
- Chaos Child - Real name Frank Watson, this is the CEO of Chaos Inc. He is gay and therefore not interested in Vampirella or the Blood Queen.
- Dr. Midwinter - Some random Nazi boomer, because every baddie-turned-hero has to fight at least one Nazi to show they aren't evil.
- Dracula - He ran away from their home planet of Drakulon and that is frowned upon.
- Draculina - Dracula's little sister.
- Masodik - A horned human who exists purely to capitalize off of the "slimy gambling man" trope.
- Nyx - The only one to have ever beaten Vampirella. Killed her in fact, but then got killed by Vampirella later because death is but a phase in life.
- Lilith - Vampirella's own mother, who was too controlling and never approved of anything she wore.
- Magdalene - Vampirella's sister who got so jealous that she corrupted herself.
The Film Adaptation[edit | edit source]
It was the year 1996, and cocaine must have been floating in the very air people breathed back then, because this movie was accidentally formulated in someone's mind and then shat out upon an uncaring and ungrateful world. The film loosely follows her backstory, but changes her motive for going to earth. In the film, some guy named Vlad rebels against the Drakulon rulers, and kills them all, including Vampirella's father. In order to seek revenge, she follows Vlad to earth where he has setup his base in order to start a new race of vampires. She only makes it to Mars before passing out from all the meth she had been smoking the night before, but is rescued by astronauts and taken to earth to be probed. After much probing, she discovers that Vlad has taken up residence in Las Vegas under the alias of Elvis Presley. She works together with a special police unit tasked with removing bad extraterrestrials, known as the Men in Black. During this whole time, she is pursued by a crazed Van Helsing, who wants to kill her for no other reason than he hates goth women. Of course, Vampirella succeeds in her mission and ends Vlad and his threat of turning humanity into vampires (which low key would have been epic, but whatever).
See Also[edit | edit source]
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