User:Zombiebaron/CollegeBuddiesScript

Dramatis Personae (in order of appearance)

ANNOUNCER

ROB

SNOB

BOB

PROST

DON the DEAN

ALFRED ABERCROMBIE

ALICE

PHYLLIS

JAUNDICE

EXT. Title

ANNOUNCER: The College Buddies say THANK YOU!

ROB: Thanky danky for yer purchas!

SNOB: Nicolas Comics is the top shite

BOB: Enjoying our fine comical adventures!

ANNOUNCER: College Buddies; The story of those in a FRAT by Nicolas R. Sequeira

INT. The Frat House

BOB: We are not not not gay. Here, Rob. Our frat now has T-shirts so we can be more edgy. Slip this HOT POCKET on.

ROB: SPAZ, Bob! We must have these shirts for our frat or we will die. I LOVE DELTA EPSILON BETA ALPHA GAMMA ALPHA OMEGA DELTA PI

BOB: I am Bob. We are brothers, but with other parents. Welcome to our macho frat. We are a real riot.

ROB: We know how to make TACOZ! Far OUT!

BOB: We are like Wayne's World but not funny. I want some soda, dude. We got any savage? Soda? Or what about chip? We got any chip in dis kickin' FRAT hostel?

ROB: Even better! We have DRUG SODA, with drug in it

BOB: Far out!

ROB: Do these stupid T-shirts make us look stupid, FO SHIZZLE?

BOB: No, Rob. They make us look dumb. Let's go to the female breast alcohol establishment and observe women who wish to get jiggy.

INT. Female Breast Alcohol Establishment

BOB: Here are us at the AWESOME Breast place. This place has breasts and many incredible alcohol. I have a Female Breast.

ROB: I have alcohol. My mind is weird?

PROST: Hey, guy. Want to get crazy tonight?

ROB: A bosomed prost!!!

BOB: I LOVE YOU.

BOB/ROB: Eeeh...OK! You're on! Let's go!

ROB: Let's get crazy!

BOB: Knesh OOOURG Saurkraut and Hooty-Tooty Cthulhu!

ROB: The moon is a pot roast!

BOB: I have a hand named Elvin.

ROB: I'm a zombie.

BOB: RAP BATTLE, Bro! Can you out-rap me, Dawg?

ROB: Hah, you n-word p-word stuffed full of x-word, I can beat you or my next coffee is on me, BOB! This is a FRAT!

BOB: Rap accelerate! ONE! William! Nicki Minaj! Kanye West! Taylor Swift! Beyonce! Jay-Z! T-Pain! Ludacris! Justin Bieber! Dr. Dre! Eminem! The Notoriety B.I.G! Will SMITH!

ROB: Mr! Sandman! Bring me a dream! Do Do Do Do you are the cutest! That I've ever see!

BOB: Hastag Ferrari Grey Poupon! Tim Allen, bruh, Nick Minaj! Shades, bling, money, sex! Black men rhyming quickly!

ROB: Fo Shizzle, slam, dunk, so tweet, Emoji, Follow. Drake want me, I am magical, I am good.

BOB: We both win. We are good at singin. I am the best white rapper.

ROB: All four of our parents have disowned us both both of us?!

BOB: Me also.

INT. Bob's Mind

BOB: My head is big. We get lots of it on. WE ARE NOT GAY. NO! Where do children come? What is a children? My mouth taste good. Life is like a box of candy. Bruh. Brett Kavanaugh. Rob is God. Alcohol? Rob is my clone.

INT. Rob's Mind

ROB: My head is B.I.G. Me and Bob are like the Mario plumbers. Fun Fact: I am dead within. Bob eats cheez whiz on the sly. I like Kavanaugh. I have no friends, I have BOB. Frat Bros! Bob is Satan, a NICE Satan.

BOB: PHONE BOOTH Challenge fun time! This is a classic funny Fratnity prank/game. How many of us can fit in the phone booth? You game, Bro?

ROB: OOOH! This shall be a good old fun time. Let's GET IT ON!

BOB/ROB: (stunned silence)

BOB: Maybe our Frat is small. Our Frat is a lot small. Now, we will show you that we of the FRAT are not only hoodlums. We do not just do harmful, dumb, destructive actives. We all do very wholesome, American, fun, harmless little activities for fun sometimes.

ROB: Like a Marshmallow Roast! Frats are NOT bad! They are just big fun!

EXT. College Science Facility

BOB: Here is our College Science Facility. It is well equipped and full of VERY flammable chemicals.

ROB: So we shall burn our Marsh Mellows.

(Fire SFX)

BOB: See? Just harmless fun. We just make ooey gooey marshmellows. We are good people.

ROB: NOM NOM NOM My mouth is sticky. Gi'me twunny dollah, Foo! Ah nee twunny dollah fo' da sammiches on firs' stree!

BOB: So your family hasn't sent you your Monthly Allowance of $10,000 yet? How awful! Here you go! Why do our parents loathe us as if we were the Scum of the Earth?

DON: What are you blithering trust fund kids talking about NOW? The next atrocity you're going to commit?

ROB: It's DON, the DEAN! The Cyclopean adult figure who sees all and knows nothing!

BOB: Shoot.

DON: You rascals! You were the ones who set fire to the campus science hall, were you not?

BOB: Yes! We roasted Marshmallows on it! Bruh! Cardi B!

DON: Were they good marshmallows?

ROB: Yes. Let us go and we in da FRAT will give you some, courtesy of us. Why do you allow this frat if you ain't a dank twitter pater, why ya don't ban it, if we do some bad stuff? Why not ban the FRAT!

DON: You give me somebody to blame and an outlet for my temper. In addition, I can be easily bribed - as you just saw. Farewell, Bob and Rob! Maybe NEXT time you shall be punished justly!

BOB: How will he eat those?

ROB: With his mouth.

BOB: He...uh...

EXT. At the Greasy POLE

BOB: Another epic FRATurnity challenge!!! Today, GREASY POLE! These epic Frat guys, in their spirit T-Shirts, from Delta Epsilon Beta Alpha Gamma Alpha Omega Delta Pi, when I say bodaciously, "GO!" are gonna make a MAD SCRAMBLE for that olive-oil covered flagpole - and the first one on that TOP PLATFORM WINS...

ROB: Violence ALLOWED!

ANNOUNCER: GO!

ROB: I am lose!

BOB: In front, biotch! Grunt... Olive oil...

ROB: I shall WIN, BIOTCH!

BOB: Too much olive oil, no friction. I shall WIN, biotch.

ROB: Pant

BOB: Grr! Olive Oil! Grunt Ufff. I have win! I won big and large! Puke on me, dirt burster!

ROB: NOT YET you don't win! I can enjoy this!

BOB: WIN! WIN! THANKS! WIN DO I! OH! OH!

ROB: Nooooooooo! Noooooooooooooooooooo! Noooooooo!

BOB: We need a third. Our frat is minisculous. I win, biotch.

ROB: Get down? How? HELP.

INT. The Frat House

BOB: Many say, "A fraT is racist!" We of a frat are not racy at all. We are friend to all Chocolate People, and the Orientals. To prove - I OWN A SIGNING ATOGRAPH OF MARTY LUDDER KING! I will not sell it to you

ROB: I only use 2 black people to do my work. I pay them. NOT SLAVE. Shirts not ONLY rad fashion we frat wear. We also wear TOGA. A toga is a ancient dress. We wears Dress, but is not gay. GAY is not OK. Really, we only sex with females. No lie.

BOB: Dur.

ANNOUNCER: TO-GA! TO-GA. TOO-GA?

BOB: We Frat only always SHARE. Tod and, no, wait, his name is ROB. Rob and me, Bob, share everything because we are not un-brothers. Really, we own nothing that is no together...

ROB: But we isn't a couple.

BOB: We share our drinks.

ROB: Razzleberry Chocolate Milkshake.

BOB: Mmmm. We shares our monetary.

ROB: Capitalism GOOD Communism NOT GOOD

(High-five SFX)

INT. The Shower

BOB: Get my back, Rob. We share the SHOWER. Nice hot steamy wet shower.

ROB: We are not homo. We are just OK with nudity and enjoy admiring our pretty, godly bodies in unison. We kiss, but are not gay. Gay is BAD.

INT. The Frat House

SNOB: Hello, this the Delta Epsilon Beta Alpha Gamma Alpha Omega Delta Pi Fraternity Club? I am SNOB. I want a membership. What must I do?

ROB: GASP! New person! It is a NEW PERSON!

BOB: It has hair like ME, almost

ROB: We come now to the most fun, classic, semi-illegal Frat tradition that nobody likes! Snob wants a join our Frat, but before he can be our friend, SNOB must be OK with elongated, awesome torture sessions! He must PROVE he our brother. This stupid game is call - TORTURE THE NEW PLEDGZE

BOB: We know how to make TACOS

SNOB: OH NO...

BOB: OK, Snob, first challenge for you is join our Fraturnity. George Washytoon was in a frat, ya know? Anyway, walk in this dark room and we shall do a quick and easy torture party. Fun for all!

SNOB: I feel like on A Hallo'ween, this is scary.

ROB: Ok, lights are off. NOW, pledge, sit on this chair. We will strap you in. NOW - WE WILL POKE YOU WITH NEEDLES AND RUB YOUR HAND OVER A CHEESE GRATER!

SNOB: OH-NOOOO! OW! OUCHYWAWA! OOOH! NO! OW! OH! OW!

BOB: HAHAHA! PRANKED U, BRUH! We didn't, in actuality, poke you with NEEDLES and rub your hand above A GRATER OF CHEESE! WE Bit you with a Rattlesnake fangs - those were the things which felt like needles - and your hand did not feel a CHEESE GRATER. We lit it on FIRE! Ha Ha Chortle! You are a wimp. You must tray hard-ish.

ROB: WIMP!

SNOB: JOKE is on me, I suppose! Ha ha Chortle! These sure are jovial fellas!

EXT. Somewhere on campus

BOB: Next Prunk, Snob. Go assault that nerd and assert your masculinity. Do not worry, you will not go to prison for such an awesome behavior. GO FOR It! Show him not to be a nerd.

SNOB: I can detect Satan taking hold of my body.

BOB: YOU MUST WIN THE FIGHT, OR YOU LOSE THE TEST!!!

SNOB: OKE.

ALFRED: Calculus

SNOB: You bout to get CREAMED, Mister. Imma splatta yo' INNADS everywhere. You are too smart. We Fraternity kids are not smart. Smartness is no cool. Say meet your maker, I gots to beef, foo! Ha Ha!

ALFRED: What in the HELL-?

ROB: Well done, Snob! You DONE it!

SNOB: Thanks, Rob.

DON: FOOLS! Do you know who it was who you beat to a pulp just now, in broad daylight?

BOB: A nerd?

SNOB: No.

ROB: Whodunit?

DON: ALFRED ABERCROMBIE! A genius! A high IQ, a stunning GPA! He belonged to Mensa! Practically a savant! He was exemplary! He was in all our ads! He attracted people to THIS College, made us look clean! Now, he's in the hospital! Nobody wants this college if they see it as a fraternity-ridden haven of violence, I've got a mind to ban this Frat, FOREVER!

ROB: NOOOOO! HORRORS!

BOB: People like smart? I just like strong.

SNOB: Fondue.

BOB: Don The Dean, is there any way we can elude detention? Or Frat to be banned?

DON: Do you still know how to make those bomb-ass tacos? Give me 5.

BOB: YES SIR!

DON: Oke.

ROB: How will he eat those?

SNOB: With this mouth.

BOB: He... uh...

INT. The Frat House

ROB: Two more challenge, Snob. NUMBER ONE! Go downtown with this money, on fiscal street and 14th Ave, there is a pizza restaurant. Get a 14 inch pizza, bring back here, we will eat. I want peppers and sausage, Bob want black olives on the pizza, and you can pick other topping.

SNOB: THIS is a challenge?

ROB: Yes. It is very hard to walk.

EXT. The Football Field

ROB: FINAL chalenj, Snob. If you win, you are us. If you do not win, you are you. The final, last game is the sport of America. FOOTBOWL. Ball. Me and Bob are the one team. You are the other. Mr. T is on the A team. YOU MUST WIN! Throw this object.

SNOB: Yum.

ROB: GO!

ROB: John Elway.

BOB: Yes.

BOB: On fire!

ROB: YES! 25, 30.

ROB: NO! Snob has got the piggyskin.

SNOB: I shall WIN, Biotch! I excel!

BOB: Chariots of Fire

SNOB: Athlete Supreme.

ROB: NO!

SNOB: I win.

ANNOUNCER: SNOB HAS winned!

INT. The Frat House

BOB: Welcome to the Club, BroTher.

BOB: YOu are now an OFISHUL member of our Dorm. Remember to Hashtag, Tweet and Snapchat. We will now give you a tattoo on your eyeball. NOW, just a few more thing.

SNOB: I am Hot!

BOB: This is the milk we use. After you drink the milk, please put it back in the fridge. Or it will become YuCChy.

SNOB: I love to milk!

ROB: We keep our all drugs in this very SECRET BOX. They are good, fun drugs, they are loads of fun. We all pay $25,000 a year to our FRAT. No poor peple allowed

SNOB: Daddy-O

BOB: Here - Another Fratnity benefice. We can help you with yor homework! Askz us, we will give you answers FREE. We may not know the answers, though. We only know Kindergarten Level think.

SNOB: What is 2 and 2?

BOB: Five. Thirty

ROB: Now, Brother, we must tell you the greatest frat secret of secret all - THE SECRETE HANDSHAKE - You mus' not tell a soul. This is how we identify if we are in this macho, beefy, masculine frat, or if we are IMPOSTORS.

SNOB: I shan't tell a soul, Rob, believe me. So, how is the SHAKE done?

ROB: We embrace and KISS!

ROB/BOB: (kissing)

SNOB: Yuck! Is such a practice not gay, which we are not supposed to be? That looks quite very gay.

ROB: No! It is NOT gay. It is for identification purposes ONLY. We in this frat are mach, strong, non gay white people. My muscles are RAD!

BOB: I have rubbed your muscles a lot, Rob.

ROB: Grrrr. However, though, would you still require convincing that we are not in love, I highly suggest you meet our next door neighbors - I like Brett Kavanaugh.

INT. The Sorority House

ROB: WE are the DELTA EPSILON BETA ALPHA GAMMA ALPHA OMEGA DELTA PI FRATERNITY. But these are our next-door neighbors, NEXT DOOR! Snob, meet the PI DELTA OMEGA ALPHA GAMMA ALPHA BETA EPSILON DELTA SORORITY. They are three very sexy females.

BOB: We call our fraternity a FRAT. What do you call your sorority?

ALICE: We call it a SOROR. I'm ALICE. I'm the equivalent of BOB in the frat. We are not Lesbos. I swear.

PHYLLIS: I'm Phyllis. I'm the equivalent of ROB in the frat. I know how to make CAKE!

JAUNDICE: I'm JAUNDICE. I am the same as SNOB in the Frat. I, too, am new.

ALICE: I enjoy romance

PHYLLIS: Tee Hee

JAUNDICE: We eat lots of Nachos.

BOB: What ere you waitin' for, Snob? Get it on with theze sexy female humans!

SNOB: What is getting it on? I have never done such a thing.

BOB: AW, MAN! You don't know about the human life cycle?

SNOB: No. I never studied it in 2nd grade.

BOB: Try it out! You'll enjoy it!

SNOB: Oke.

ALICE: Dur

BOB: You see, Snob, the advantage here is, although we call us Brothers and Sisters, unlike REAL brothers and sisters, who aren't disgusting and stoopid - WE CAN GET IT ON!

ROB: Now, a disgusting auction - we shall have JAUNDICE from the SOROR auctioned off to a high bidder. This is similar to sex traffic, but is LEGAL because JAUNDICE says she is OK with it. The winner kin get it on with her. I will be a BIDDER and the AUCTIONEER.

BOB: Is that corrupt?

ROB: Yez.

SNOB: Oke.

ROB: Here - JAUNDICE! Begin bidders!

SNOB: I bid one penny cause I know somebody will bid higher then me. I don't wanna get it on.

ROB: Going one time! Going thrice! SOLD! She is sold to you, Snob, for one penny.

ROB/BOB: You win.

ROB: Now, let us turn this SUPER PARTY into a SUPER MEGA VIOLENCE PARTY! Kill and burn, my brethren, and feed the blood of the innocent to the dark lord, SATAN. Let us wreak havoc amidst the campus!

SNOB: Cool!

EXT. Somewhere on campus

ROB: HAHAHAHAHA!!!

ALICE: HOOOOHOOO!

(Fire SFX)

SNOB: THE BLOOD IN ME NOW SHINES

ROB: I LOVE MY FRAT

PHYLLIS: HAIL SATAN!

DON: Satanism! Murder! Arson! That does it! I've had it with you kids! You've bribed me with food long enough! Now, justice must be served - I'm BANNING THIS FRAT until you three grow up! And the Sorority, too!

BOB/ROB/SNOB: NOOOOOOO!

SNOB: Wait, Don the Dean... not only do we make them KILLER TACOS... but last night, I made this very DELUXE ENCHILADA. It has burrito... beany cheesy... MMM this looks good! And we made it FOR YOU... we love you, our favorite DEAN... Yummy Tex-Mex beefy enchilada... Keep the frat!

DON: Mmm. OK! I guess you guys aren't so bad after all! Go ahead! Keep your fat!

BOB: CONGRATULATION, Snob! You have SAVED OUR FRAT! You are great.

ROB: How will he eat that?

EXT. At the phone booth

BOB: OK, last challenge, Snob. Very fun. How many of us, do you think - can fit in that phone booth there? Well, just LET US SEE! Here we GO!

BOB/ROB/SNOB: (stunned silence)

BOB: Our FRAT is still a lot small.

EXT. Title

ANNOUNCER: FRATERNITY FOLLIES! Bob, Rob, and Snob are 3 fun-loving college kids. Join them in a heartwarming tale of friendship and perseverance. DID YOU ENJOY THIS COMIC? There's lots more waiting! Rip off this page and fill out the catalog on the back, then send it to: Nicolas Sequeira, Denver, CO. Here at Nicolas Comics we've got a delightful assortment of wacky surprises just waiting for you - so buy some comics! They're top notch! The BEST comics in Denver! $4 off for Denver Residents!!! Nicolas Comics Real Comics For Cheese People.