User:Zernst/Eaten by bears

A bear attempting to eat a man.

“Bears are giant, marauding, godless killing machines.”

~ Stephen Colbert on bears

Bears, which are the scourge of forests, often eat people.

What are bears?

A bear .

see Bear

Symptoms

One of the many symptoms of being eaten by a bear includes being dead, or dying.

• How can I tell if I've been eaten by a bear?

There are two primary steps to telling if you've been eaten by a bear:

1. Are you dead?
2. Was the last thing you saw the inside of a bear's mouth?

If you answered yes to those questions, chances are you have been eaten by a bear!

• Is there any remedy to getting eaten by a bear?

Chances are: No. Sadly, 10 out of 10 people who are eaten by bears will die of it.

• Are there any medications I can take to improve my chances of surviving?

A study was performed where 500 people eaten by bears were given Exlax. 250 patients said that taking Exlax improved their condition. 249 did not respond because they were dead. The remaining 1 person was eaten by a grue, for which there is no cure. No one was available for comment, because they were all eaten by bears.

• So is it all hopeless? Should I just accept my fate?

Of course not! Just because you'll eventually die from being eaten by a bear, doesn't mean you can't prolong your pitiful life as long as possible.

• how can I do that?

2${\pi }$ out of 3 scientists recommend the "2nd Guy" approach.

Second Guy Theorem

  Two men are camping in a forest. The whole day they are hiking, nothing happens. 
  The pair decides to bed down, so they set up camp. During the middle of the night, 
  they awaken to loud noises emanating from their camp. 
  
  The first man says to the other "I think that's a bear"! 
  
  The other responds "Oh, Dude! What are we going to do?!" 
  
  The first one thinks for a minute. "I'm gonna run for it".
  
  The second says "Dude! You can't outrun a bear!"
  
  The first one responds "I don't have to outrun a bear. All I have to do is outrun YOU!

Such is a breif allegory explaining the second guy theorem