User:Xombi p/the unnecessarily literal zombie hunting guide

About Your Fearless Commander Comms Channel Contributions, or why everything I have done and ever will do is great Zombie killing

This is my guide for actual real-life zombie killing.

Resources for the Successful Zombie Hunter

The Ultimate Zombie Destroyer

• This page, which should be your bible for all zombie-related functions (be sure to check out the links on the bottom of the page)

• A minigun (you should have one anyway)

• Like, 40 grenades

• NecroTech equipment

• Power Armor

• Zombie Movies (watch them)

• Flamethrower (in case you run out of minigun bullets)

• This outbreak simulator

How to Kill a Zombie

Just blow its head off. Sheesh. It's not rocket science.

How Not to Become a Zombie

Don't get bitten. To accomplish this, wear plenty of power armor. As far as I know, zombies cannot bite through power armor. Also, it may help if you kill the zombies with your minigun. If a zombie is splattered on the wall, his critical chance of biting you will be severely weakened, as his teeth will be laying on the ground.

How to Become a Zombie

Why would you want to become a zombie? I'd have to slay you if you were a zombie.

Here are some disadvantages of being a zombie:

• You don't have a large vocabulary.

• You get killed by zombie hunters.

• Zombies eat people, which makes discussion about the dead guy on your table replacing the traditional turkey awkward at thanksgiving.

• Zombies can't access Uncyclopedia, or any other thing on a computer for that matter (they aren't very tech savvy).

• Brains aren't nearly as good as other foods, like donuts or twinkies.

Other Suitable Zombie Killing Weapons

These will come in handy when you run out of minigun bullets and don't have a flamethrower:

• Shotgun (sawed off): Use it to blow zombies apart. Make sure to saw off the cumbersome barrel.

• Laser: Cut zombies into little slices.

• Sniper Rifle: It keeps things stealthy, and the dead won't know what hit them. Make sure no zombies sneak up on you when your aiming

• Assault Rifle: I recommend its use when you have other people hunting zombies with you.

• Handgun: It only works when you use it against a zombie's head. Use it as a backup weapon.

• Uzi (or other suitable sub-machinegun): It looks coolest is most effective to have dual uzis which you fire simultaneously.

Some Unsuitable Zombie Killing Weapons

Here's some stuff you shouldn't use, unless in the special situations described:

• Bolt-action Rifle: Here's an idea: Let's create a long, cumbersome gun that can't engage enemies that are nearby without considerable skill. And let's make it so that you have to pull a lever after each shot, while the zombies come up and eat you. This is only acceptable as a sniper rifle.

• Rocket Launcher: Though it would blast zombies to pieces, you have to reload after each shot and you got to make sure the rocket doesn't hit something nearby and blow you to wee little bits. Also, ammo would be hard to find.

• Mortar: Good luck figuring out how to aim it.

• Ninja Stars (Unless Being Used by Ninjas): It would take a long time to train to be accurate enough to get a zombie in the head.