User:Wicca/Lil Pump
“A walking billboard for the straight-edge lifestyle.”
Lil Pump (小泵, xiǎo bèng) is a noted philosopher, business owner, entrepeneur, linguist and religious influencer of Mexican (I think? He's sorta mocha-coloured. I mean, he's definitely too dark to be white, but he's not black. But he's allowed to say the N-word. It's weird) descent. Created in the same factory that made Lil Xan, Post Malone, 6ix9ine and other men who model themselves after the desk at the back of biology class, Pump is primarily notable for his musical asermons in which he espouses the virtues of abstinence from drugs and alcohol.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Pump was born Donald Juan Trump in a small town in Mexico (or Puerto Rico? Chile? He's definitely not from the Dominican Republic. Is he white? He might just be really tanned. But like I said, N-word. Do they let Mexicans say the N-word?). He had his name changed to Lil Pump in 2015 to avoid confusion with noted American oncologist Donald L. Trump. Pump was frequently bullied for the distinctive birth marks on his face and neck, often said to resemble low-quality tattoos. A gifted child, Pump excelled in both languages and mathematics, taking an interest in oration.
From a young age, Pump observed the effects of psychoactive substances on his peers; while he focused mainly on advancing his knowledge of mathematics and the arts, others around him were mainly preoccupied with getting "high", as one familiar with the urban parlance might say. Pump wrote his first lecture on the perils of drug addiction at age 14, a two-hour monologue entitled "Regretamine: Leave It For The Horses". Pump published seven more lectures over the next few years, each based around detailing the negative effects of an individual drug. Perhaps the most famous of these early lectures, Mephedrone? Mephe-don't! has been cited in several works by accredited Harvard Harverd alumni during their research into exactly why it feels so good to get high on Chinese research stimulants and beat your dick like it owes you money.
Music career[edit | edit source]
“I ain't ever wanna sip lean (nope)I ain't ever wanna smoke weed (nuh uh)
I don't need a pill to get high (ouu)
I just enjoy my life (yuh)
Drugs are for mugs, drugs are for mugs,
Drugs are for mugs, drugs are for mugs
”
By the age of 18, Pump was experimenting with ways to make his message palatable to a wider audience, particularly demographics most affected by the drug epidemic. After several unsuccessful leaflet campaigns, Pump hit upon the idea of recording his lectures to a musical backing. Taking to the studio the next day, Pump recorded over sixty tracks in a distinctive style combining droning repetition with distracting noises to create a truly tolerable listening experience, even flirting with concepts such as rhythm and melody.
Pump's breakout hit, "Sobriety", released on 6 January 2016 and quickly garnered over 10 million YouTube hits, earning Pump an international following despite mixed critical reception. Many critics praised the track's positive message, while others, dependent on powerful hallucinogenics to cope with being a professional music critic, lauded the track for its suggestion that a life of hazy memories and psychic visions is sometimes less than ideal.
“Sobriety, aye, sobriety, yuhSobriety, aye, sobriety, yuh
Sobriety, aye, sobriety, yuh
Sobriety, ouu, sobriety, yuh”
“A flurry of drums, alarm sounds and weird gunfire onomatopoeia. Also, he's really into the idea of intercourse with the listener's relatives. If his lyrics are to be believed, Lil Pump has had sex with my mother more times than my dad has. And that's great; she hasn't had much of a sex life recently, and it's great to hear that someone is willing to take one for the team. I sure wouldn't. Bitch looks like a melting waxwork of Kevin James. Bitch looks like Peter Griffin let himself go. Bitch looks like a burlap sack full of cottage cheese. God, my mom is fucking disgusting. You know she's banned from an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet in Florida? They have her picture up on the wall and everything, next to the calendar with the cartoon dragon on it. Who the fuck gets banned from an all-you-can-eat buffet?! When they say "all-you-can-eat", it's not supposed to be a challenge, you ugly tub of fuck! Lil Pump's debut mixtape is pretty good.”