User:W.T. Door/Miracle Whip
“And the Lord said "Let there be Miracle Mhip", and God proceeded to slather it on his BLT. And it was good.”
“Truly miraculous. It can cure aches and pains, remove stains, and be used as a personal lubricant in a pinch.”
Miracle Whip (also referred to as "the Sauce") is a condiment that was created by God at the beginning of time, right after light and shortly before animals and Twinkies. Miracle Whip has been a driving force throughout the ages in religion, politics, and sandwiches. In recent years God has liscensed the recipe to Kraft foods in an effort to spread his Holy Sauce across the world. As a result of this, Miracle Whip can be found in every country that matters.
Creation[edit | edit source]
In the book of Genesis it states that God was looking for something to add some zing to his Most Holy BLT. Something to truly bring the meal together. So he concocted a miraculous condiment, Miracle Whip, out of 20 spices and a pinch of his own Holy Essence. It was found to greatly improve the flavor of his meal, and he was pleased. All biblical scholars agree that this was how Miracle Whip came to be. In fact, Miracle Whip was found to be so perfect that many theologians argued it was God's intended heir to His universe. It became such a pernicious problem that it was finally adressed by famous biblical scholar Thomas Aquinas.
| “ | It is universally acknowledged that Miracle Whip is divine in all instances. It is also acknowledged that Man is not divine in all instances. Thus it follows that Miracle Whip is indeed better than man, due to its divinity. But without Man, who there be to appreciate the Lord's Sauce? Who would spread its goodness across the world? Who would mix the 20 holy spices to create a fresh batch? The Sauce cannot appreciate itself, spread itself, or recreate itself. Ergo Man is God's greatest creation, as through Man does Miracle Whip come to be
- Summae Whippae Miraculae. |
” |
This line of thought has been the mainstay of the Catholic doctrine since its inception in the late 13th century. Most Protestant Christians only differ from this in that they believe we must have a personal relationship with Miracle Whip. Islam denies the divinity of the Sauce in its current form, claiming that the Jews have corrupted its recipe, and that Mohammed will grant them the true recipe upon his return. Jews claim that Miracle Whip should not be consumed until the coming of the Messiah, as the destruction of the 2nd Temple of Jerusalem made it impossible to be created in the proper ceremony. As such all who currently consume the Lord's Sauce are considered dirty goyim.
Early Christianity[edit | edit source]
The Holy Sauce played a large role in the New Testament of the bible. In fact, it is asserted by some that in the classic story of Jesus healing the blind man (John 9:1-25), it was actually not mud, but Miracle Whip that the man rubbed in his eyes. The disputed line is "So Jesus spat on the ground and made mud, then put it in the man's eyes". However, the early Christian theologian Cyril of Alexandria viewed otherwise.
| “ | In the book of John, it tells of Jesus placing mud in the eyes of the blind man, and then telling him to wash in the pool of Siloam. Verily it should have said "The Lord's mud". And mud being not unlike the consistency of Miracle Whip, it can easily be seen that what actually caused the healing was the Holy Sauce.
- Commentary on the Lord's Sauce |
” |
Miracle Whip is also seen to play a central role in the famous "Last Supper". Here Jesus shares breaks bread, and proceeds to smear Miracle Whip all over it. This is what allows for the transubstantiation of the bread. For it mixes the mundane element of bread with the divine element of Miracle Whip. Highly sought after is the vessel which Jesus served his Miracle Whip from, often referred to as the Holy Grail.
Medieval Times[edit | edit source]
The Lord's Most Holy Whip was also a driving force in Medieval politics. Due to the extreme power of the church, which controlled almost every aspect of everything, Medieval kings did their best to please the pope. Along with sending him money, fruit baskets, Hallmark Cards, and young concubines acolytes, they often tried to curry the pope's favor by going on a crusade. The goal of Crusade was often to retrieve a holy relic. This icluded shards of the True Cross, the Holy Gourd, the Holy Sandal, and of course the Holy Grail. According to Arthurian legend, only the knights to actually find the Holy Grail were Sir Galahad, Sir Percival and Sir Bors. The other knights were unable to make it, as their journey was barred by Frenchmen in the Castle Arrrghhh (which resides in the French Province of Ruoen). The Legend of the Holy Grail would become of such importance in the psyche of the Medieval world that it inspired actual kings to go on an actual crusade. For instance, the Second Crusade was launched supposedly to free the Holy Land from the Seljuk Turks. However, recent discoveries in Vatican records show that it was simply because Pope Eugene III wanted to find the Grail. This exerpt from an ancient letter found in the dusty archives of the Vatican elucidates.
| “ | Hopefully when that fool Louis conquers the Holy Land, my missionaries will find the Grail. Then I will proceed to fill it with the Holy Sauce, and slather it on my favorite acolyte
- Letters of Pope Gregory III |
” |
Post-Reformation Europe[edit | edit source]
After the Reformation, Miracle Whip was again in fashion. Everyone, from the explorers to the poor, had a jar of Miracle Whip with them. Then came the French Revolution in 1789, and King Louis XVI was executed, with his blood mixed with Miracle Whip as a celebration.
