User:Unknown user/Battle of the Bulge in my Pants

And Here My Troubles Began

Well, one day I woke up in the morning, showered...got dressed, you know the whole schpiel. As I head to my car, something hit me. I look down and see my little man waking up, leaving a mound-like extrusion. Realizing I was late for school, I climbed into my car and drove off, not worrying much about my little trouser tent. "It's probably nothing...maybe these pants don't fit right...It'll go down if I ignore it." But no matter what I could do to distract myself, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Suddenly-it grew! As I parked the car in the lot, my friend Allison approached me. Now Allison was something, wheeeeeooooow. "Oh no, here she comes, better hide it. I placed my books on top of my lap to conceal it." For the next couple of moments I strained myself not to let it pop up. "Not again...Not this time..." After she passed, a striking pain erupted in my groin, as if someone had just caressed my member only to hit it head on with a cast iron frying pan. "HOLY SHIT!!...No, you're not gonna win this time...NEVER AGAIN!!" I checked my watch. Homeroom was in 3 minutes.

The 3 Minutes In Hell

I stumbled out of the car, using my coat as a shield for my bulge running and dodging people right and left. Suddenly, I trip on an inconveniently placed hall pass and fall face down. "SWEET JESUS ON A STICK!!! FUCK!! HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST!!! You will never overcome me!! You hear? NEVER!!" At that moment, I realize I had just said that out loud. A circle of kids had formed around me, snickering. "Who are you talking to?" "Are the voices telling you what to do again?" "Loser". Realizing my exposure, I turned red and walked quickly to homeroom. As I sat down in my seat just in time for the daily school announcements, my nemesis once again rose from it's semi limp state. "You...you did that. You made me announce that out loud" Suddenly, I responded to myself "You're right. I did."

The Nightmare Continues

Realizing that I am hearing things, I tried my best to keep myself calm. As I limped to Spanish class it did it again. "ow, Ow, OW!! I-I,I have Willpow- WILLIAMS! YES WILLIAMS FOR SPANISH!!" Once again everyone stared at me and laughed. But I had in fact scored a small victory for myself as I was able to control my outbursts. In Spanish we were going over the vocabulary, when Allison sat down next to me "what's the verb to put in Spanish?" Knowing the answer, turned to speak. But as I was about to speak, the little devil in my pants made me let go once more "Pone-BON-I,I mean Pone-BONE HER!!!". It was then that I had just about lost it. Fortunately she missed my little bit of tongue slippage, but the class did not. Rather than make a big deal about it, I curled up and put my head down on the desk, waiting for the world to end. "From now on, I'M in control, not you..you filthy serpent of Satan."