User:Tagstit/Planet Earth: Humans

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Sweeping scenes of the manmade modern wonders of the world, including the pyramids, eiffel tower, and Statue of Liberty.

Narrator: Humans; natures ruler. Creatures with characteristics that should leave them at the bottom of the food chain, but strangely, they are at the top of it. Many specialists, have determined that through their brainpower, these laughing stocks of the animal world have managed to overcome weaknesses. We will take you through their unique aspects, achievements, and variety, that separate them from the rest of the animal kingdom.

Human Systems[edit]

Shot of a man sitting at a bench eating a sandwich.

Narrator: A common man, eating a sandwich at a bench during his lunch break. Instead of hunting out in the wild for food for his family, he works at a fast food restaurant where he makes money. This money, he can exchange for food which other people have gathered.

Pause in speech. Close up of him eating the sandwich. He grabs a coke and drinks it, and throws away the can.

Narrator: Today he is going to ask for a raise in payment from his superior. This is obviously seen from the way his hair is overly done, and his suit is neater than a man working at a fast food restaurant should wear. His family has to live in a small space, and his next offspring will not have a place to sleep unless he can afford better housing.

The man stands up and throws away the remainder of his sandwich and walks into the restaurant.

Narrator: Good grooming is critical in the modern world of humans. It increases the appeal of many varieties of humans. It may help this working man to get the raise.

The man and his superior begin talking, the superior gets angry and takes off the man's badge. He throws the badge away and points the man out the door.

Narrator: This man has been fired for asking for his raise. He will go home jobless, to his wife and even perhaps, eat his children to survive.

Sweeping shots of suburbs with music playing. Music then stops and there is a shot of a man, his wife, and two children sitting around eating a turkey and mash potato dinner.

Narrator: This family, has settled down after a long day of work. The children, in training to flourish when they grow into adulthood, have returned from school.

Close up on the kid eating mashed potatos.

Narrator: Good manners are key to proper dining. A little slip up, could lead to tension between the family. This often times leads to disasterous consequences.

The family keeps eating, shots of the different food sweep.

Narrator: The mother has gathered the food using the money the father has provided. She then cooks this food and prepares it to present it to her family.

Suddenly, the smaller child spits out his food. The mother gets angry and arguement erupts.

Narrator: It seems that our young friend has improperly tossed away his food.

The mother tells the child to go to bed. And the boy sadly does so with his head down.

Narrator: He will have to wait until morning to finish his meal.

The rest of the family continues eating.

Narrator: This may seem like a harsh method of punishment, but it is necessary to teach the young child manners which are valuable later in life. It is called "tough love", and is practiced by many parents.

The Young[edit]

Scene transitions to different views of different babies. Some are laughing and some are crying.

Narrator: Man is one of the most social creatures on the planet and as such, their children are highly dependant on their parents. When a baby is born, the father often is forced to work longer hours to support the newborn, while the mother stays home to take care of it all hours of the day.

Scene of a mother holding her child.

Narrator: This mother, is currently swaying her child, so that it might fall asleep quicker. She is sad because the father didn't want a baby, and she decided to have one anyways. The father often comes home very late and things between the parents are often unpleasant. Babies, although very loved and dear to the parents, often can be more of a pain than a joy.

Different scenes of different schools are shown.

Narrator: When a child reaches proper age, it is often sent off to a learning facility.

Scenes of different kids playing in the playgrounds and eating lunches.

Narrator: It is here where they will learn mathematical formulas, literature, and other lessons they will later use in life. Along with this, the young communicate with others and learn social manners and methods. Some kids will become more popular, and have more friends. Others, will be alone.

Screen of a boy sitting alone in a classroom.

Narrator: This poor child has been unpopular ever since he started school. He is preparing to say something clever and witty, in an effort to impress his classmates, and make friends. Humor is often the strongest way of earning friends, and later in this young boys life, mates.

The boy stands up from his desk and says something loudly. There is a few moments of silence.

Narrator: He was unsuccessful.

The boy sits back down and puts his head on his desk.

Narrator: He will have to wait for another day to make an impression. One that is hopefully more successful.


Narrator: The mating habits in humans distinguish them from other animals for a number of reasons. This is because the mating process is more formal in some ways and more informal in others.

Scene of a girl putting on makeup.

Narrator: This young girl is preparing for a night on the town by applying makeup. Many less than average women like to give the impression of beauty by painting their faces to highlight glamorous features and hide embarrasing ones. In this way, the ugly and less attractive females can find mates even when naturally beautiful females are close by. They trap the male with their temporary good looks, get him committed to the relationship, and then marry him. Later they will not wear make up and the husband will be stuck in the relationship until he dies.

She stops and examines herself.

Narrator: She needs enough makeup to hide all of her physical flaws. If she puts too much on though, she will look like a whore and will be talked down of by her peers. It is a very thin line she is dealing with. One slip up could mean complete social rejection.

Scenes of marriages on beaches and in churches.

Narrator: Humans are the only known creatures to have formalized bondings between two distinct specimen. This bonding creates permanent mates. Going outside of the marriage for mating is strictly looked down upon, yet happens frequently.

Scene of a teenage boy staring at a girl from across the cafeteria.

Narrator: Although marriage doesn't happen till around age 22, interests arise early on in a human's life. This boy, although only 16, is staring at one of his older classmates with eyes of desire. Her breasts are far more developed than the breasts of those at his age, and her older age will make her more mature and therefore, easier to mate with.

The boy keeps staring and it is starting to become obvious.

Narrator: Sadly, for this young chap, he is rather weak, and won't be able to woo such an older female. All he can do now is stare and imagine, but even that may have its consequences.

The girl looks up and notices. She puts her middle finger up at the boy.

Narrator: This rejection, although minor, is very embarrasing to the male. He will have to settle with another, less sexually developed female.


Scenes of young children playing soccer.

Narrator: These youngsters are in the process of practicing a tradition that dates back to centuries ago. Using a ball, two nets, and a bit of sweat, they play with one another actively in a sport. These sports are numorous and varied, from the popular rough and masculine football game, to the elegant and feminine tennis match.

Show parents on the sidelines cheering and waving flags.

Narrator: Sad to say though, most children are placed in sports against their will. With an influx of new technology ranging from handheld MP3 players to complex gaming systems, youth is often distracted from physical activity. Yet, they play by force, as if slaves to the parents and coaches.

Referee blows the whistle and the game ends. Both the winning and losing side have no difference in expression.

Narrator: At the end of a game or match, a winner is announced based on points gathered throughout by the competing teams. These youngsters, seem not to care about the outcome. The winning team gathers nothing from their accomplishments except a pat on the back or a "high five" from their coach. The losing team gets words of encouragement. Both teams get snacks, the climax of the game for the children. Although the children show little enthusiasm for the outcome, the parents make up for this.

Scenes of the parents on the winning side jumping up and down for joy, blowing horns and screaming in praise. The coach is running around hugging all the kids with a look so happy, it strikes fear in the common man.

Narrator: The parents on the other hand are very animated in their pride. They take credit for most of their children's accomplishments and feel they have done something right. The parents on the losing side on the other hand...

Scenes of parents shaking heads and crying. The coach snaps his clip board while a dad next to him throws his beer on the floor.

Narrator: These parents are very sad. They feel as if their children have failed and will never become the soccer stars they dreamt of them being, while the children beg them to go home so they can play soccer on their gameboy systems. Some children though, break from the technologic trend that has captivated so much of human youth. Some are extremely into their sports, and become adroit in their skills. Often times they take it too far, and end up becoming used for their ability to play sports.

Scene of a big burly teenage boy walking through a school hallway.

Narrator: The meathead. A term used to refer to those humans used for their brawn, rather than their brains. Often times,