User:THE/SS Deleted Scenes

DELETED SCENES

The following scenes were cut from the original theatrical release of the feature film (mainly due to budgetary constraints and contract negotiations between Semi-National Films and the picture's cast members). Here, each deleted scene has been masterfully remastered by legendary film technician and amateur figure skater Joe Smith #20, presented in their original, unaltered glory. Each scene features an introduction by co-director, writer, and choreographer Peter Bogdanovich. Here to introduce the introductions is Peter Bogdanovich.

BOG: YAAAAAAWN.. God, really? Well then, ah, here we go...again.. Well then, um, Welcome, to the del-..eted scenes, section. Or portion, if you will. Of this sulsiv-- EXclusive DVD edition of Suck-.. Sea.. what was this movie called again? Seagull something? No? Nothing to do with seagulls? Hunh.. OH, ah, yes, it is Sex Seafood, isn't it? I directed this picture. And of course, um, I rrr-- I wrote the picture, in addition. I was aided, in my direction, um, by some gentleman.. it'll come back to me.. siiiiiigh.. Well, these are some scenes we didn't like, I suppose...

Deleted Scene 1: Young Alister

BOG: Yes, I remember it, uh, this scene. It would have been quite a.. good sequence but.. ahhh.. the, eh, filming, was faulty. Something was, quite wrong to say the ve-- very least. And, of course, the vocal performances were.. mmmmm.. great.. oh, no no, I was thinking, uh, about frosted flakes.. Actually, aaaa, yeah, no, they weren't any good. At all. The microphones, sigh.. messed up. Or something. And...um...the man, who played the small, child lobster did an awful.. voice. Kid voice. We.. siiiiiiigh.. d-didn't have enough time, I guess, to record this dialogue again. Over. It's about the main, uh, character.. lobster.. when he was a larva, or whatever they are, you know, when they're little.. Oh, and his fuh-father.. also, if I recall...

The lobster tank. A small speck, YOUNG ALISTER, is swimming around in the bowl. His father LUCIUS is crawling around also. YOUNG DENNIS is swimming in circles, around and around and around.

ALISTER: Daddy, do you believe in the existentialist philosophy that each individual creates the universe as they experience it, and therefore all that they don't know is void? It does not exist until they themselves experience it? Or does existence precede essence?

LUCIUS: What the fuck are you talking about?! Why don't you go play "spin" with the other larvae?

ALISTER: "Spin" is a game of plebeians! All they do is swim in circles for hours! Don't they ever stop to wonder: "What is the purpose of all this? Is there any meaning?" Do YOU think there is any meaning to it all, daddy? Are we all the subjects of an indifferent universe, or is there some order behind it all, some purpose, some higher power or force of some sort governing our destinies? I don't wanna play "spin!" I wanna play "discussion of the merits of the classicist rationalism of the Greek period as opposed to the existentialist philosophies of Kierkegaard and Nietzsche in the early 19th centuries!"

YOUNG DENNIS stops spinning and swims up to Alister

DENNIS: What's wrong with "spin"? My daddy played "spin"!

Peter Bogdanovich: (off screen) NO, NO, NO! Smith, uh, damn it!! Have you never spoken like.. a.. um.. CHILD before!? JESUS!

The camera starts drifting towards an inactive corner of the tank and continues to drift upwards as Bogdanovich speaks.

Joe Smith: (also off screen) Listen, until you start paying at LEAST minimum wage over here--

Peter Bogdanovich: (cutting Smith off midsentence) Well, there goes this.. sigh.. this, scene. Where's my coffee, dammit? And who hid my brandy?? Smith, are those microphones still, huu--, on? Shut them off!

All audio is cut off, and several minutes later the shot abruptly ends

Deleted Scene 2: Avant-Garde Animated Sequence

BOG: This scene, of sorts.. Uh, it was written and erect--, ahhh, directed.. by GQU. UG.. UQG? The quotes person. siiiiiigh.. So right, that man, um, wrote this. And filmed it. He did so, independent of the rest, that is, the entire...rest, of the film. Movie. He got a few of the Smith, um, people to do the voices. He did the animation himself...Well a-actually I don't know that for sure, I'm just guessing, due to, um, its lack of quality. Anyway...yes, and he wrote the dialogue. It was in the middle of that stupid.. sssssss.. dream. Sequence. But we cut it. He suh-said...he was unhappy withhh...us, cutting it. Actually, he said "and two hard boiled eggs." But he sounded angry, at least.

Fade in on an animated bus stop, with two fat men next to each other. One has a large furry creature on his head.

FIRST MAN: This is a bus stop.

SECOND MAN: No, it isn't, not from this angle.

Images of several different colored toothbrushes flash in front of the screen. Then, the characters reappear, this time in front of a tollbooth. The furry creature is now on the other man.

FIRST MAN: There's something on my head.

SECOND MAN: Hairy.

FIRST MAN: Is this a tollbooth?

SECOND MAN: No.

FIRST MAN: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

SECOND MAN: What? I thought this was a bus stop.

FIRST MAN: Are you threatening...me?

The first man shoots the second man. He explodes, and this begins a ten minute shot of a can opener, while some avant-garde poetry is muttered in the background in Polish. Then, a disconcerting shot of an unknown internal organ is shown, while some loud shrieks are herd in the background. Then, we return to the bus stop.

FIRST MAN: This thing is still on my head.

SECOND MAN: Yes it is.

FIRST MAN: I shot you!

FURRY THING: NO YOU DIDN'T!

The screen goes black, and the sound of an ant on a microphone starts in again as the normal dream sequence returns...

Deleted Scene 3: Endorsements

BOG: At one point, early in the making...siiiiigh...of the fin..film, we were rather low on fucks. Funds, I mean. I had spent some of the money on...a haircut? Because I didn't think it was consistent with the filmmaking process to have a director...siiiiigh...with, uh...hair. That was too long. So we were high -- or low, I suppose -- uh, on funds, but then, some adv-..advertising companies said they'd give us some. Money. If we, erm...I'd like to interject here: by "we" I mean UQG and I...if we agreed to endorse some products and do some product.. siiiiiigh.. damn...what's the word...oh, placing. Placement. I of course, eh, was opposed to this, as I am a director. With integrity, and standards. And genius. Luckily, Semi-National.. cough.. films, signed us, on. And uh, I think the companies compram-.. eight second pause.. we came to an agreement. We would put this scene in the s-s-sequel instead. But we didn't make a squeal. Sequel. Or did we? No, right? So anyway, this scene remains...Um...here.

Alister, fully grown now, is crawling around in the cage. He walks by cleverly placed can of Red Bull.

DAPHNE: Hey, Alister, baby! Let's have sex!

ALISTER: Now, now, Daphne! Sex can be BAD! It can spread all kinds of diseases and things like that!

DAPHNE: (gasps) I had NO idea!

ALISTER: And you don't want any STD's, do you, Daphne?

DAPHNE: NO sir! No I don't!

ALISTER: Well then, just remember to use a Rough Rider Condom® (available at your Wal-mart, Walgreens and your local pharmacy!) every time, and you should be all set!

DAPHNE: I want a condom! I want TWENTY condoms!!!!

Several condoms drift down into the cage.

ALISTER: And only Rough Rider Condoms® come in thirty distinct sizes and flavors, for all our sexual needs and desires!

DAPHNE: Let's try the glow in the dark one!!!

ALISTER: OKAY!

Fade to black. Fades back in, with Alister and Daphne lying next to each other

DAPHNE: That was super!

ALISTER: Wasn't it though? And if we had used an imitation brand, it would've been totally LAME!

DAPHNE: I'm sure it would have been! But only now I can't sleep!

ALISTER: Well it's no wonder, Daphne! Look at that mattress you're sleeping on! It's not even a mattress, it's just kelp!

DAPHNE: So?

ALISTER: Why sleep on kelp when you can sleep on a TEMPUR-PEDIC MATTRESS©, made of 100% pure Visco-Elastic Memory Foam™! It's the only mattress that you can run over with a bulldozer!

DAPHNE: But why would I want to run over a mattress with a bulldozer?

ALISTER: For adventure! The Tempur-pedic Mattress provides the most comfort you'll ever need, comes with a money back guarantee. Tempur-pedic is so confident you'll love their even send you twelve mattresses for the twice of two! Plus, order now, and you'll get a free armpit pillow! No more itchy armpit hairs at night!

DAPHNE: But I don't even have armpits!

ALISTER: That doesn't matter! BUY ONE NOW!! NOW!!! NOW!!!!!

DAPHNE: Okay! (she runs off)

ALISTER: (calling after her) AND AFTER THAT, WE CAN SHARE A CUP OF FOLGER'S CRYSTALS® AND WATCH MY SONY FLATSCREEN TV SET IN MY BOB'S DISCOUNT FURNITURE RECLINER CHAIR, WITH SOME ORVILLE REDINBOCHER'S POPCORN™ AND A COCA-COLA©! I JUST BOUGHT THE NOTEBOOK, A NEW LINE CINEMAS PRESENTATION, ON DVD!

Deleted Scene 4: Political Statements

BOG: As a person, um, with a great deal of genius, I felt compelled... ahh, to share. To share my opinions...um...with everyone. Any person who might, watch this film. I may not be the first director to do this. But, I am, definitely the most genius. The people, ah, at Sem-m, Semi, um, Semi-Nation Films, they made me.. siiigh.. cut the film. I mean this scene, of the film. It was of course, the 70's, and I myself...I had began experimenting with herbs, sold to me by a fascinating Native American, gentleman, by the name of Jack, who wore this fascinating tribal outfit shaped like a greasy t-shirt with jeans. Come to think of it, he might not really have bring, uh...been...Nat...what was I saying? Oh yes, I soon realized that the sentiment might, uh, date the film so to speak, so I removed it. On my own terms. Me... me.

Alister and Leonard sit gazing out of the tank

ALISTER: Ya ever wonder about the messed up shit that goes on out there, man?

LEONARD: Not particularly...

ALISTER: Christ Leonard, you really need to open your eyes, man!

LEONARD: I don't have any eyes. I'm a jellyfish. Come to think of it, how do I even talk?

ALISTER: Dammit Leonard, don't point out continuity errors in the script! Leave that to IMDB!

LEONARD: What the hell is an IMDB?

ALISTER: That isn't important Leonard! JESUS!!

LEONARD: Sorry, but does that mean I shouldn't point out that a reflection of the camera can be seen at this exact second, in the lower left corner of the screen?

ALISTER: SHUT UP!!!

LEONARD: Sorry.

ALISTER: Anyway, the "open your eyes" thing was a metaphor!!! I just mean...there's like, war going on and stuff! More and more people are disappearing every day because of that stuff!

LEONARD: Gerald the shrimp disappeared just last week. Come to think of it, his whole family disappeared...

ALISTER: Damn it Leonard, the point of activism is to care about the well being of people half-way around the world, not the people who are close to you! If anything, you should be worried about families of shrimp disappearing in fish tanks on the other side of the world! That's where the real angst is!

LEONARD: Oh...um, alright I guess...

ALISTER: Fine Leonard, you sit by and care about nothing. I want more! I want freedom! Not only for me, but for all indigenous sea creatures everywhere!

LEONARD: What does war have to do with freedom?

ALISTER: Do you even know what war is, Leonard?

LEONARD: Not really. I'm a fucking jellyfish.

ALISTER: Good point.

LEONARD: How did you find out about this "war" stuff, anyway?

ALISTER: Someone dropped a pamphlet into the tank for an interesting group called the Weather Underground. They seem like a delightful bunch of young people.

Deleted Scene 5: Meet Alister

BOG: Well erm....this...siiiigh....scene, it uh...actually was n-nov-..never deleted in any way. The Semi-National people...we...they...the people just uhm..included this scene...because...erm...they wanted to make this section of the DVD longer so uh...they could advertise the uh, sex. Section. As being long, as I suppose. Sex?

Alister stands in the large tank, alone.

ALISTER: I've been in this condition for a while... Its hard, life is hard. Hard for a lobster...

He shuffles towards the glass a bit

ALISTER: There must be something more. Where is emotion? What comforts does this world afford us in life!? Surely it isn't only the view, the distant, wonderful bar of salad...

Grabs food pellet in pincers

ALISTER: Flecks, flecks of nonsustaining nourishment... I would like to visit that salad bar one day... If I weren't a lobster, I'd be a great explorer. Or a wizard! Yes, the greatest wizard of them all, one Orson Welles could be proud of! But lo, I am here, and am no such man or beast endowed with that majestic gift of sorcery. No... merely... I exist. Where is justice for this soul of mine?

Alister looks off into the distance

Deleted Scene 6: The Unconscious Alister

BOG: This.. siiiiiiiiiigh.. This scene takes place, uhm, after the duh-dream sequence, or scene... That scene with the dream, um, in it. After the dream, but after. But, also before. Before Alister wakes up. Yes, Alister is still.. siiiiigh.. asleep, and the other animals are...uh...anyway, this scene was recorded, unfortunately, with the Unknown, uh, Unrelated, Quotes, man playing Cecilia because...urm...the Smith fellow who played her was sick I guess. This wahhh...it was originally the scene where Dennis was introduced. Or met. Met by us. But we charge, uhhh, we changed the scene. By deleting it I mean. I can see now that it was....an awkward, and fairly.. um.. Jesus just watch the damn thing already...

Alister lies curled up after being stung by Leonard. Daphne, Cecilia, and Leonard are near his body.

LEONARD: Christ Alister stop being an urchin vagina..

DAPHNE: Who's Alister?

LEONARD: He's the one who threw this party, remember?

DAPHNE: Oh yeah! (looks at Alister, then away quickly)

LEONARD: Yum, aren't these worm flakes grand Cecilia?

CECILIA: Down, down, down, to the deep, deep south. No no, a little further north.

LEONARD: Um...don't you mean "Yum, these certainly are good, honey! And now that Alister's unconscious, all the more for us!"?

CECILIA: Might I suggest some orange juice? Grape juice? Lemon juice? Pineapple juice?

DAPHNE: (admiringly) Alister looks like a worm flake when he's curled up like that.. (tastes him curiously)

LEONARD: I suppose it was silly of me to lose my temper and sting him...what do you think, Cecilia?

CECILIA: Thornton and I spent hours in court on various pre-trial hearings.

Dennis crawls over.

DENNIS: Now hold on a gosh darn minute! What happened here?

LEONARD: I stung Alister because he insulted my wife.

CECILIA: Duties that need to be performed only a once a week include checking air pressure in the tires and emptying the rock traps when combining crops other than soybeans.

LEONARD: Hunh..

DENNIS: I don't trust that Alister fellow, never had. When he was a kid, he would never play "spin" with the other little tikes.. He seemed to be convinced that there was no meaning to swimming around in circles day in and day out...and now, all this nonsense on ex-o-stentialism or whatever the heck he's talkin' about.. I say, he should just keep his head down and eat his worm flakes. Just like his father, and his father before that father!

LEONARD: He had two fathers?

DENNIS: What?

DAPHNE: Who's father?

LEONARD: Alister.

DAPHNE: Who's that?

LEONARD: Forget it.

CECILIA: OH, MY GOD!!!! WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YEAR IT WAS THAT THE PITTSBURG PIRATES WON THE WORLD SERIES?!?!