User:THE/FOX
A brass section plays loudly and impressively as an animated text swirls to form the words: FOX NEWS.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to FOX NEWS, the fair and balanced station, guaranteed to deliver you absolutely fair and unbiased news; news that is completely objective, unbiased, and untouched by the mass liberal conspiracy! And guess what, kids? It's time for FOX news's exclusive, half-hour children's program, THE AMERICAN LEAGUE OF AMERICAN HEROES WHO ARE AMERICAN!!!! Tonight's episode: INVASION OF THE DRUNKEN IMMIGRANTS FROM MEXICO!!!
The theme song of the children's show ensues.
ANNOUNCER: Whenever danger strikes...
The screen cuts to a shot of a man in a school, teaching evolution.
Child: But teacher, I thought God created living things!
Teacher: Oh, no, living things appeared out of nowhere! Rocks transformed into them!!! That's what we liberals think, anyway! We come from monkeys, and God doesn't exist! BURN THE BIBLE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHA!!!!
ANNOUNCER: The AMERICAN LEAGUE OF AMERICAN HEROES WHO ARE AMERICAN is there to save the day!!!
A humongous muscle man, who looks astoundingly like Pat Robertson, crashes through the window and grabs the teacher.
ROBERTSON: No need to fear, children! I, Pat Robertson 2000, am here to save you from this mentally corrupting liberal bastard who makes up lies to convince you to turn away from the eternal salvation of God!
CHILDREN: YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
ANNOUNCER: THE AMERICAN LEAGUE OF AMERICAN HEROES WHO ARE AMERICAN!!!!
The theme song, which is the national anthem, ends with a shot of the league, which consists of George Bush, Dick Cheney, Pat Robertson, and a vixenlike Ann Coulter.
TONIGHT'S EPISODE: THE INVASION OF THE DRUNKEN IMMIGRANTS FROM MEXICO!!!!
A young girl and her brother skip merrily along the side of a corn field, the boy holding a fishing rod and the girl holding a barbie.
JANE: It's a lovely day, isn't it Benny?
BENNY: It sure is, Jane! Say, you want to go practice the pledge of allegiance?
JANE: YEAH!
They start skipping home. But then, out of the bushes, a fat, drooling man with a puddle of sweat underneath him emerges, holding a bottle in one hand and a marijuana plant in the other. He has green scales and appears to have horns.
BENNY: Who are you?
MAN: No hablo inglés!!!
JANE: OH MY GOD!! HE REFUSES TO SPEAK ENGLISH IN OUR PRESENCE!!!
BENNY: THE HORROR! THE DISRESPECT!!!
Benny passes out.
MAN: (taking an exaggerated swig of beer and belching loudly) Oooh....Jane...ME RAPE!!!
JANE: OH NO!!!! WHO WILL SAVE ME FROM THE EVIL IMMIGRANT???
A loud whoosh is heard, and Dick Cheney flies out of the sky, wearing a red, white, and blue outfit.
JANE: Who are you?
DICK: I AM SUPERDICK!!! HERE TO SAVE YOU FROM THIS SCALY, SLIMY IMMIGRANT BASTARD!!!!
JANE: You aren't a superhero! Superheros wear tight outfits!
DICK: That's only because of an inherent liberal bias in the media. Male superheros wear tight outfits that indecently show off their male organs. This encourages homosexuality! And if there's anything that could destroy this country, it's tolerance of homosexuals in children's programs! Because we all know that it's characters in children's shows showing the slightest hint of homosexuality that causes gayness in our children, don't we, Jane?
Jane nods obediantly.
DICK: Now, I'll show this Mexican bastard not to mess with our American children anymore!
Cheney wraps the Mexican in an American flag, and throws him over the border violently. The border is shown as a line with flowers on the American side, and drunken bums, filth, and slime lying on the other side.
DICK: I've gotta make sure this doesn't happen again!!!
Cheney starts building a 900-foot high brick wall, enforced with barbed-wire fence and tanks, along the border. The children start cheering.
ANNOUNCER: On next week's episode, a bunch of liberal, anti-American Mexican lovers try to prevent the building of the glorious fence that will forever protect America from its worst enemy: the impoverished Mexican who wants to get a minimum-wage job!!! Will the evil liberals triumph, and the wall be destroyed? Find out next week, on THE AMERICAN LEAGUE OF AMERICAN HEROES WHO ARE AMERICAN!!!! Remember kids, believe everything the president says, and you will be happy forever and will go to Heaven!!! See you next week!!!
The camera fades out, as closing credits roll.
Then, the camera fades in again.
ANNOUNCER: And now, it's time for a live morning news update.
SMITH: Yes, good evening, I'm Shephard Smith, and welcome to FOX news, the station determined to provide fair, unbiased news that is completely unnaffected by the evil, anti-American, unpatriotic, radical, feminist, queer-loving liberals who control all other news stations. Before I begin my special report for tonight, I need to announce today's terrorist risk.
Smith ruffles through some papers
SMITH: According to our expert terrorist attack predicters, the risk of a terrorist attack is...INSANELY HIGH today, as it has been for the last 8 months in a row. Here's terroroligist Mike Manly with more.
The screen cuts to Mike, who is standing in front of a green-screen map of the United States with several cartoons of bearded men holding turbans and Qu'rans scattered randomly across it.
MIKE: Yes, today in the morning it will be fairly humid, with a 50% of terrorists by midday. As you can see, we've had a wave of low pressure across the midwest, which greatly increases the chance of terrorism because the little Arab bastards love hot weather. Also, there will be a feminist march on Washington today, which greatly increases the risk of a terrorist attack, because we all know that feminism and terrorism are practically identical, don't we Shep?
SMITH: We sure do.
MIKE: So yeah, the feminists will likely blow something up, that is if the great President Bush doesn't have them rounded up and forced back into the home where they belong!
SMITH: Our president sure is a powerful man, isn't he Mike?
MIKE: He certainly is. Which reminds me, I forgot to put on my mandatory George Bush pin this morning!
Mike pulls a pin with a picture of George Bush on it, and pins it to his shirt before continuing.
MIKE: Getting back to our terrorist forecast, by mid-afternoon the chance of a terrorist attack will have increased by 20%, which means you might want to stay indoors, and watch as much FOX news as possible. However, by tonight, thunderstorms will have hit much of the country, which means that the risk of a terrorist attack will decrease because the Arabs know that God will smite them if they even set foot outside!
SMITH: You've got that right!
MIKE: Well, that's all for this morning's terrorist forecast. Back to you, Shep!
SMITH: Thanks, Mike. Today, I'm doing an exclusive special on racism. Many liberals seem to think that racism is still around in some forms in this country, and that the slow response to Hurricane...uh...what was that hurricane called again? Whatever, that the slow response to that hurricane indicated racial inequalities in the country. So, to discuss the issue, I've brought into the studio for an interview...a real, live black person! Hello sir, what's your name?
NED: I'm Ned.
SMITH: Uhm...Ned? Don't you mean "Jamal" or "Hakim"?
NED: No, my name is Ned.
SMITH: Are...are you sure? I'll give you some time to think about it, I know it's a complicated question.
NED: Yes! My name's Ned!
SMITH: Oh, well pleased to meet you, Ned.
Smith shakes hands with Ned, then quickly sprays his hand with disinfectant spray
SMITH: So...has anyone ever been racist against you?
NED: Oh yeah. Happens all the time.
Ned leans forward in his chair slightly, to reach for a glass of water. Smith screams.
SMITH: PLEASE!!! DON'T HURT ME!!!
NED: What are you talking about, dude? (Ned stands up, looking concerned) Are you okay?
SMITH: AAAAAH! Don't mug me!! PLEASE! I've got kids! HERE! TAKE MY WATCH!
Smith removes his watch, throws it at Ned, and runs screaming from the room.