User:Swapgunsforjam
Pronounced Day-vid Lall-la
Words of Wisdom[edit | edit source]
It can't all be shit
-David's encapsulation of the essence of karma
Ah Nyazzus!
-David's exclamation of joy/fear/sadness/orgasm/disappointment/falling into a bear trap
I think everyone has the right to be abused
-David's equal opportunities abuse policy
I have a hankering for a libation
- David while temporarily possessed by his alter-ego, Prof. Brian Arkins
I think we should seek directions from the gods
- David's solution to being lost and alone in a foreign city
Early Life[edit | edit source]
David was born to travelling monkey seller Yusef Aziz and his elderberry scented child-bride Tina in 1984. Due to their hectic work schedule, they relinquished responsibility for the child and abandoned him in a ditch in Castlebar. This was to signal the start of David's lifelong fear of fieldmice. Raised by wolves for his first three years, David's adoptive parents rescued the violent smelling waif, having fallen in love with his wolfish Ger Loughnane impression and his teeny tiny face.
Eight years, a pair of converse all-stars and some braces later, he was a barely functioning member of society. Success.
David's early education took place in a hedge school in Offaly. The curriculum encompassed how to skin and cook things you run over with your Zeteor Crystal, advanced seduction of cousins and how to vet potential partners based on the size and quality of their "land". This was also where David's longrunning love affair with animal husbandry began.
When David's adoptive parents, Johnjoe and Kathleen Lalor won the parish lotto in 1999, they selflessly pawned the box of USA Assorted Biscuits for an education at the all-boys, superposh private school, Clongowes. Mingling with such intellectual totty as James Joyce and St. Stanislaus Kostka was to prove a formative influence on the former wolf boy's life.
Career[edit | edit source]
David's career in porn began when a school sports day picture featured in the Clongonian magazine revealed that, despite his diminutive stature, he was in fact hung like a Siberian beast of burden. Working his way to the top of his game, he collaborated with such stars as Angelina Holie, Mary Black and Kevin Sorbo on such projects as David Does Drogheda, Once You Go Black, You Never Go Back and Herbie Goes Bananas. Accepting the 2002 Golden Dong for Best Bestial Porn Actor, he thanked God, his parents and his Clongowes education for teaching him that guinea pigs are not just cuddly pets. It was while working on the movie Cowhide Baps that he met his lady love, Big Suz.
Family Life[edit | edit source]
David and Big Suz married in a Vegas style drivethru wedding chapel in Tullamore in 2003. They have seven severely developmentally challenged children. Of his kids' difficulties, David says he wishes Big Suz hadn't drank so much while she was pregnant but admits that he situation was probably not helped by him slapping her up the wall with such frequency and rigour. "She may be my cousin and half-sister" he says, "but sometimes you gotta show your woman who's boss."
