User:Skinfan13/Albert Haynesworth

Fat Al accepting his ludicrously lavish contract from the Redskins last coach, Zorn the Clown.

Albert Haynesworth, or Fat Al as he is more properly known as, is a gigantic walrus that poses as a very fat NFL defensive player. He is a member of the Washington Redskins, but the term 'teammate' is very seldom used to describe his role in the organization. Many tend to just refer to him as "that fat guy who occasionally makes a good play, but complains way too much." Haynesworth is also the current fixation of a scientific phenomenon now known as the Haynesworth anomaly. Fat Al is literally so big that his mass creates enough of a gravitational force to suck all U.S. Dollars within 5 miles into his center of being.

Early Life

Albert Haynesworth was born 17 June, 1981 in South Carolina. He holds the South Carolina record for "fattest child born naturally" at a weight of 29 pounds, 3 ounces. His mother also holds the South Carolina record for most pain felt at a single moment. Little Albert would often consume his own weight in food during the first few months of his life. Haynesworth also holds a South Carolina record for being the youngest person in the state to reach a weight of 100 pounds (age 17 months).

Albert began playing American Football at the age of 7. He was considered an extremely gifted and selfish player by his coaches. Albert was awarded the Best Pee Wee Player, or BPWP award after his 3rd season of little league. Local legend has it that this was so unsatisfactory to Albert that he demanded a better award. The little league then created the Haynesworth Award, which is still used to this day.

Albert immediately started for his varsity high school team. He set many state records for tackles and interceptions for a defensive end. Haynesworth is the proud owner of numerous state citations for his abysmal sportsmanship and general lack of etiquette. Typically during a good year, Albert's weight would account for $1/3$ of the total weight of the team's defensive unit.

College Football Career

Haynesworth became an instant hit with the coach of the University of Tennessee. He also instantly became the most hated teammate of the Tennessee Volunteers. Albert started at defensive tackle immediately and became a very dominant player. His teammates though began to hate him more and more after it became apparent that Fat Al was only interested in boosting his own stats.

During preseason summer camp during his sophomore summer, the team decided to do something about Fat Al's attitude. In the middle of the night they went medieval on Al's ass and gave him a soap party. You know, like in Full Metal Jacket. Instead of loosing his mind and killing R. Lee Ermey in the middle of the night, Al simply tolerated the beating for exactly one second before he devoured teammate John Henderson. Needless to say, showered in the blood and limp skin of their teammate as he was being snacked upon, the Tennessee Volunteers slowly backed out of the room and into various therapists offices.

Albert Haynesworth made the All-American first team during his junior and senior years after the NCAA president received an anonymous letter saying he would be eaten alive if he did not include Haynesworth on the first team.

Professional NFL career

Sources say that Albert Haynesworth may be prone to melting in direct sunlight.

2002 NFL Draft

Despite the fact that he was a fat walrus who liked to eat his teammates, the Tennessee Titans drafted Albert Haynesworth 15th overall in 2002. Albert was considered a, "dangerous threat who is exciting to watch. He is also a pretty good football player," as it was written in Sports Illustrated.

Tennessee Titans

During his first stint with an NFL team, Haynesworth was a resoundingly significant force on the field. Afraid that they would be crushed or eaten alive, offensive players of all varieties would avoid contact with Fat Al on the field at all costs, usually flinging themselves at the nearest defensive player to avoid being tackled by Fat Al. This effect is now known as the Fat Al Law of Football. Indeed, even his own fellow Tennessee Titans were deathly afraid of being devoured, and therefore they became overly indulgent of Haynesworth whenever they had the displeasure and bad luck of coming within 100 feet of his mammoth presence. They would often bring him gifts and tributes in the form of hot dogs, funnel cakes, or Twinkies.