Note: If you are too young to have a boyfriend, but you have noticed that your dad is older than your mom, perhaps your mom can use UnBook'''Sarah:'''Mummy, why is father so old? to explain.
Voiceover: In a school full of conventional straights and a camera appropriate number of queers and token visible minorities, Lolita is taken to be a very strange person indeed. Of course as with all teenage dramas she has an absurdly large number of friends and there's her cinematographic perfect looks and her ability to render hollywood clichés so easily. Why does she not have a boyfriend in her own grade even though she is beyond average in appearance? Don't all high school girls in films find themselves embedded in love triangles? Why does she not blab endlessly about boy bands or kpop-dudettes? No she is strange because she likes more mature rockers like Springstein and Frank Sinatra. It's one of the many issues in this sad yet uplifting story of drama and ignorance, jealousy and happiness, a young girl realizes that her love is just as good as anyone else's. But let's first start in the halls of Everywhere-Junior-High
Noon. The setting is a school cafeteria. Two 14 year old girls, Dolores and Mindy, walk in and sit down. As they begin to eat, the girls talk about boys, because hey, do they ever talk about anything else?
Dolores: Hey Mindy! How have you been?
Mindy: Terribly suicidal. Every concievable disfunctional problem happens at my home every day.
Dolores: Yeah. Your family totally sucks. My life is so ordiary
Mindy: You are a pretty vanilla type personality, except your deep dark secret, that no one, not even I know about...yet.
Dolores: I am too busy with my teenager angst to acknowledge you just said that.
Mindy: Do you know the boyband M5DCX?
Dolores: You mean Koreas most girly boyband yet?
Mindy: Yeah, they are going to perform at the Coca-Cola slash Pizza Hut slash MasterCard concert center this weekend
Dolores: You mean the one that's too far away for us to go without our parents finding out?
Mindy: Yeah...we will have to devise an elaborate plot to get there which will surely backfire and land us in trouble.
Dolores: Hmm. We could not possibly afford as young teenagers but we'll still inexplicably procure tickets.
Mindy: I think "Choi Cheong" is such a stud, he probably waxes his little Korean choda.
Dolores: No way, he's a douche. His eyes aren't slanty enough and his lips are way to tight and delicate.
Mindy: What about Kim Bu?
Dolores: No. He's so anorexic his belt requires its own belt to stay up.
Mindy: Okay then what about one direction? Who do you think is the hottest?
Dolores: I dunno. None of them. They're so immature.
Mindy: So then if you had to like, beat off any boy-band member, who would it be?
Dolores: Ehh. I guess Mark Wahlberg. And even then...I dunno
Mindy: Ewe gross. He's like 50.
Dolores: Well wait...he is, like, a mature 50.
Mindy: You nasty girl. New kids on the block. All of their songs are like, so lazy and geriatric.
Dolores: I know that's what makes them so deep.
Mindy: I think there's something seriously wrong with you. You have total daddy issues.
Dolores: No I have grand-pa issues. My dream date would be with Ray Charles.
Mindy: Uhhh...he's like dead.
Dolores: Yeah...that's the kind of maturity I'm looking for.
Mindy: Were you like abused by some old priest?
Dolores: Ewe. No. I'm not a choir boy.
Mindy: Well you dress like one sometimes.
Dolores: Hey Minday. That really hurt.
Mindy: I'm sorry Dolores. I didn't mean that. I went too far and hurt your feelings. Let's not fight again.
Dolores: Of course. I really value our friendship.
Mindy: Awe. You're so sweet with your Justin Bieber haircut.
Dolores: So...uhhh...if you had to take it up the ass by some boy-band member who would it be?
Mindy: Well I think it would be Taylor Swift.
Dolores: But she's not in a boy band.
Mindy: I know but, I'm like 14, which means I'm going through my lesbo-curious phase.
Dolores: Yeah. I went through mine already. I was obsessed with and was briefly stalking Madonna.
Mindy: My God...she's like 60. You really have a thing for old wrinkly people don't you?
(Sarah joins in)
Mindy: Hey Sarah
Sarah: Hey super-skanks, what-up in da house hoes???
Mindy: It seems Mindy is attracted to pedophiles.
Dolores: No. That's totally not true
Mindy: I mean she totally wants the math teacher to take her in the janitors closet
Dolores: I do not.
Sarah: Yeah that would make him a pedophile. You're so twisted Dolores.
Dolores: No I'm not. He's fresh out of teacher school. I need someone with more life experience. Like Principle Smith
Sarah & Mindy: Oh Dolores oh God no.
Sarah: He has fake teeth. You're a total sugar baby?
Dolores: Just because I'm dating a 79 year old actor doesn't make me a sugar baby. Once I turn 18 we're gonna get marriedand I'll ride his wrinkly dick. Can't you see that for the first time in my serious pre-teen life I'm actually happy?
Mindy (feeling the feels): You've really touched me there. Maybe I'll be a Lolita as well, since you've found such a beautiful love to inspire you to go on living. By the way, what's the lucky man's name?
Dolores (exuberantly): Patrick Stewart! ^_^
Now Dolores has gone to class. This time her friend Tamara, sitting in the desk next to her, is curious about Dolores' lover. But here Dolores encounters resistance, as you shall see...
Tamara: Hey Dolores! I totally love your Justin Bieber haircut.
Dolores: Thanks Tamar. I love the way you let that tampon string stick out under your skirt.
Tamara: Yeah I totally saw Dakota Fanning do it on Instagram and copied it because I want people to give me the kind of attention she gets.
Dolores: Way to conform!
Tamara:' You've been staring at your phone all day. What's his name?
Tamara:' That's such an old man name. Who is called Patrick anymore? Can I see a picture of him?
Dolores: Sure! (opens facebook on her phone)
Tamara Oh my frikin God...how old is he?
Dolores: You think it's a problem?
Tamara:' Did you not hear me say oh my frickin God.
Dolores: Yeah, that was a pretty intense "oh my frickin God".
Tamara:' He's older than President Trump.
Dolores: You know I thought you would be more supportive...considering who your boyfriend is...
Tamara:' What's wrong with Jake?
Dolores: Well the fact that he is in the mental ward and dying of super-AIDS right now. Super AIDS that you gave him!
Tamara:' It's not my fault my immune system is so much stronger than his.
Dolores: I'm just saying you aren't one to talk.
Tamara:' I just don't want you dating this man. Why don't I find you a nice boy your own age.
Dolores: Tamara, it feels like you are looking at me, but not really seeing me.
Tamara: (bitchy) Look bitch, I see you. I see you getting married when you're 18 and then you have gross pervert sex and then have a kid. I mean he'll be six-foot-under before the kid is in middle school.
Dolores: Then I'll be the best garbage young single mother I can be.
Tamara:' And anyways, I heard that Patrick Stewart is a wife-beater
Dolores: He's been voted like, the nicest human being who ever blessed both the Shakespearean stage and the Bridge of the USS enterprise. I mean...if anything he should be afraid of me.I occasionally scare him with my bat-shit crazy jealousies!
Last class of the day. Dolores barely knows the proud butch lesbian, Freddy but she is so good at making new friends. They quickly open up to one another:
Dolores: Hey Freddy! Got you really have been working on your hot man shoulders!
Freddy: Thanks your petit frame really turns me on.
Dolores: I really have to confide in you. I only like older men. Is that bad?
Freddy: (slightly disappointed as Freddy has always wanted to plow Dolores) As long as he doesn't make you do anything you're uncomfortable with, in which case I'll kick his ass, this seems legit.
Dolores: So far he has been such a graceful and beautifully bald gentleman.
Freddy: You shold always be the authentic Dolores. I remember I had my first lesbo-kiss with that hot black and sexually confused kindergartener, and I was like in grade three. So that was considered pretty controversial back then, but not so much anymore. People adapt. They'll get over it when they find you're going out with a pedo.
Dolores: Good for you. I love it when people volunteer their bizarre sexual histories to me so openly. I found out I was a 21st century lolita when I was thirteen. But even before then, I knew I didn't really like the boys my own age. Like I had a crush on my uncle when I was only ten.
Freddy: Okay yeah, that's getting a little riské but maybe in a decade that will be totally normal. Who knows. Progress and shit...am I right? Besides I've had my own fantasies about old women in diapers. My vagina totally gets twitching whenever I think of Dolly Parton. I mean...she's so old she must be wearing adult diapers.
Dolores: Wow. That really puts things into perspective. Hmm. You know...
Freddy: ...what is it?
Dolores: We've only actually been close friends for like two minutes, but I just want you to know that I really value our friendship. Even if we won't dyke out, I hope we can grow closer as friends.
Freddy: I can't promise I won't be thinking about scissoring you the whole time we hang out, but I'd like that too. I think we can be friends.
Dolores: I have to say, I've really valued our short friendship.
(The girls go their separate ways and walk home.)
Weeks later. Just after crappy-breakfast time. Dolores is feeling confident enough to put up erotic drawings of her and Patrick Stweart together in age innapropriate poses. Having finished the awful school breakfast, she walks up to her friend Lupe to have a random conversation. But of course the chat turns to her artworks...
Dolores: Lupe I am obsessed with your purse. Where did you buy it?
Lupe: Hey I stole it from a Mexican immigrant who was taking a nap on a bus.
Dolores: My boyfriend actually gave me a new purse the other week. That and an entire wardrobe, and this ring and a car that I'm too young to even drive.
Lupe: Get the fuck out of here you skank-dumpster-truck. He proposed?
Dolores: Yeah. I mean I implanted the idea in his head with my manipulative teenage girl powers but yeah, I knew it was only a matter of time.
Lupe: So when is the big date?
Dolores: Well we cannot get married in this state until I'm 18 but we are considering going to Kentucky when I'm 17.
Lupe: Get the fuck out of here. I've heard that Kentucky is like, the 48th most touristy state in America. Don't forget to check out the sights of Louisville.
Dolores: Totally. You know, even though you're like my seventh best friend, I totally value our friendship.
Lupe: That's so sweet Dolores.
Dolores: You know, I think I may even make you a bridesmade.
Lupe: Get the fuck out of here. I will throw you the most depraved bachelorette party ever seen.
Dolores: You better or you aren't invited. Make sure there are some 80 year old strippers there.
Lupe: Ehhh...get the fuck out of here Dolores. Nobody but you finds that attractive.
Dolores: Sigh. So when do you want to get married?
Lupe: Like as soon as possible. I'll marry the first gas station attendant who proposes if it means I can get the fuck out of here.
Dolores: God Lupe I totally love your catch phrase.
Lupe: I know, its new but I think I have staying power.
Dolores: We're going to be totally late for Math class if we don't hurry.
Lupe: I heard a rumor you have a thing for the math teacher's balls.
Dolores: Ugh. I've said it a thousand times, he's too young for me.
Lupe: Get the fuck out of here Dolores.
Dolores and Lupe at the same time: LOL!!!!!!!
(They walk to their first class of the day.)
Friday night. Dolores, at home, chatting on Facebook. Patrick Stewart is in England at the moment preparing for a play with his gay friend Ian McKellan. Dollores and Patrick have both posted selfies
Dolores: (looks at Patrick' sexy selfie, jealously notices another woman's like) Who the fuck is that hoe bag who "liked" you?
Patrick: She is just my niece Dolores. No need to worry my sweet little girl.
Dolores: Oh yeah, well how do I know you aren't in an incestuous relationship with her?
Patrick: Well that would just be perverted Dolores. Come now...don't you think so?
Dolores: You know Patrick Stewart, you come off as cool and composed but it just feels condescending sometimes.
Patrick: Trust me my little hot-cake, you are the only one. The only one I care about. I think about you every day. I cannot wait until we are united. I would wait a thousand years.
Dolores: (she gives a sympathetic look) But you don't have to wait a thousand years! Just five years!
(Both send crying emojis)
Patrick: Do you want to make virtual love with me? I'm so horny... (sends dick pic)
Dolores: Patrick I think sending a dick-pic is crossing the line here. I mean you could get arrested for that!
Patrick: I want to kiss you and make you happy... it's not against the law to make-virtual love across the Atlantic ocean...
Dolores: I'm pretty sure that's a legal grey area Patrick
Patrick: You're so mature for a 13 year old. That's what I love about you. So like...are we doing this...?
Dolores: (rolls her eyes) Ugh. Okay. Fine.
Patrick: Yeah so send me a boob-pic
Dolores: Patrick...I dunno
Patrick: Come on babe, just the cleavage
Dolores: Okay whatever...here it is
Patrick: Oh baby that makes me so hot. Let's do this...
(Dolores looks really uncomfortable)
(five minutes later)
Dolores: You know I've realized something
Patrick: What's that sugar-muffin?
Dolores: I don't think I can be with you anymore
Patrick: What the fuck babe?
Dolores: I realized that you only like me because I'm easy.
Patrick: There's nothing easy about you Lolita...I mean...Dolores. You're a challenge if anything.
Dolores: Well I don't want to be a challenge. I want...
Dolores: I want...
Patrick: Pff. You don't even know what you want. I thought you were more mature for a 14 year old.
Dolores: You know what Patrick. You really are a condescending ass.
Patrick: Whatever. I'm too old for this kind of drama. I'm outta here.
Dolores: Yeah...and clearly you aren't mature enough to stick around through a hard time.
Patrick: Pfff. This is tired shit babe.
Dolores: Patrick. Listen. I'll always value our friendship...
Patrick: Yeah whatever, there are all sorts of pre-teen girls I can be friends with.
Dolores: ...and I hope we can still be friends...
Patrick: Whatever. I'm about to film then next X-man movie. I'm not even able to process any of this shit.
Dolores: Okay. As you like. I'll always remember you as my first...
Patrick: ...your first what?
Dolores: The first 80 year old I sent a cleavage shot to. You won't be the last. But you'll always be the most special. I really do wish you the best with your next child conquest.
Patrick: Well I can't say it wasn't fun Dolores. Maybe you should just have fun, enjoy school and then when you are 18 you can legally start perusing old-folks-homes and having one night stands. You know...play the field a bit, before you settle down.
Dolores: That's a really great idea. I never thought it was possible that I could...just be single.
Patrick: Yeah Dolores. Just be you.
Dolores: I'll always value what we had.
Patrick: Cool babe.
Dolores: Well then Patrick I guess all that's left to say is...
(Patrick stewart has already deleted her as a facebook friend before she can finish).
Narrator: And that is our sad and yet somehow uplifting story about how being yourself, even if it means grotesquely inappropriate and illegal behavior, is the best option...always.