User:Shabidoo/happymonkeycompetition/2011/Lyrithya

Happy Monkey Competition Winter 2011

Pee reviews for: Lyrithya

Article: Jefferson Airplane (something)

Pee Review from Shabidoo

Humo(u)r:	7/10	Overall it is funny and there were a few LOL moments for me. I have to admit, Im not a fan of "ehm" and "er" but it works really well in your first sentence. Well writen switch back on photos, funny. Artistical, funny, so many funny things at the beginning. Mom most stoned time of life funny. The opening of the history section is a LOL moment. Very good metaphysical thorught experiment. Comments on names funny, that you dont care, makes it a little less funny. Comment on wikipedias list, interesting funny and cretive but again I recommend you cut out the blaséness. Hungarian part very funny. The end line is funny "i dont get it" in a very what the hell is going on conclusion sort of way. I would recommend looking for the line where "what is this shit" is funny and kind of drags down the humour instead which happens a few times.
Creativity:	7/10	I have the feeling that the topic you got didnt inspire you. There were many things you could have done, such as Airplanes named Jefferson, or a whacky fictional account of the life story of the lead member. The topic are a bit of a lottery. In 24 hours I think you wrote a creativelike story but that there could have been more imaginitive things. For instance pictures or really funny links.
Images:	7/10	Over all I like your choice of images, placement and what not. What actually give you the 8 I have you was for the "bank like" comment you gave.
Prose, Formatting, Links:	4.5/5	Out of 5. All dont well, lots of links, good writing and no big mistake. Well well done for 24 hours.
Concept or whatever you want to put here:	3/5	Out of 5. I was afraid at first that you were going to do a I dont know who they are in a blasé I dont know anything way. You did, but without too much blasé it which would have been a shame cause the way you did it in the end was good. The moments that you did get borderline (refering to the wikipedia article etc... is where I think the article is the least consistant, humerous and without it I still think you can keep the whole "who are these guys" without the blasé I dont care about this aritcle (thus why should we) kind of thing. Apparently they were pretty good suits the theme well for instance,"I dont know anything about music" it could be rewritten to be much funnier and les blasé in my humble opinion. Over all I understand your story, I dont know who these guys are, whats with these things people talk about that we cant relate to kind of way. Funny. You did go in and out of the intesnity of your indiference though, from a kind of "these guys are whack" to a "hey, heres some band doing band stuff". I really dig the last kind and I think if you wrote the article consistantly that way it would be good, even for a topic that didnt inspire you.
Final Score:	28.5/40	I liked your article, a good try for a topic that didnt seem to inspire you with good writing and good laughs. Id like to see if you continue with this article and but a consistant concept behind it and brush it up. I know you can as you can do anything well with more than 24 hours :)
Comments:

Pee Review from: Magic man

Humo(u)r:	5/10	Hey Lyrithya! I guess this is the first time I've done a review of one of your articles, so let's see how it goes... So the first thing I have to say is why the fuck did you put an ICU on your own article?! No sense at all... Anyway, all joking aside, the article as a whole is OK. I agree with Shabidoo when he says he thinks you got you got a topic that didn't inspire you (of course I wouldn't want to assume, that makes an ass of you and me. *ba-dum crash!*). Really in the end I feel that the whole arguing with yourself gets old. When I say arguing with yourself I mean like "I think this. But on the other hand... Unless this happens. No wait...". Ya know what I mean? Which is really the only joke through out the whole article. That and the Wikipedia references. You need to vary your jokes. The whole "Who the crap are they?" attitude doesn't really work for this article. When I clicked on this I expected the article to be really silly, fun and out there. But instead I got a blunt, prolonged statement that the author doesn't know anything about the topic. Because that's all it really is in the end. Like I said, if I were you, I'd make is a more fun, silly article. Maybe written by a die-hard Jefferson Airplane fan, or an old stoned man. Because all truth be told, I even got a little bored while reading your article. So all I'm trying to say is you need to vary your jokes, because they all seem very cookie cutter.
Creativity:	5/10	I hate to give this a five in creativity, I really do, but I find that I see this kind of theme like "I don't care, I have no idea what I'm talking about" a lot. The only reason I gave the article this much was that after seeing the name (Jefferson Airplane (something)), and then seeing how the article was written I laughed for ten minutes. Because the name fits the article like a bow. And I found that to be pretty creative, so... Five.
Images:	7/10	Eh, the images were fine. Nothing special, but nothing bad either. The captions were pretty funny I guess. So this is pretty much fine...
Prose, Formatting, Links:	4.5/5	I kinda suck at written grammar, spelling and the like, so I can't really tell. But it all looked fine, everything made sense, all in a good order, so yeah...
Concept or whatever you want to put here:	3/5	Like I said, nothing new here. I think articles written in the first person are great, but this one's just not funny. The whole "I don't care, I have no idea what I'm talking about" thing was only rather amusing the first time I saw it, so you can guess how tired I was of it when I read your article (much less finished it). And I feel that the rest of the community will feel the same way.
Final Score:	24.5/40	So this article could be really great, and I think you're a great writer too, so who better to do it, right? But I think getting a topic that you didn't like, mixed with being pressed for time was a recipe for disaster. Anyway, good luck. I hope I wasn't too blunt.
Comments: