User:RAHB/Kobe Bryant In Egypt

Kobe Bryant In Egypt is an animated comedy TV series that originally premiered on the Adult Swim programming block on Cartoon Network on July 1st 2003, before its almost immediate cancellation six days later after news of Kobe Bryant's arrest in connection with an accusation of sexual harassment. The program is notable for having the highest IMDB score and Nielsen ratings of any ever canceled after its first episode, and for being a large influence on future shows airing on Adult Swim and other networks.

In all, three episodes were produced, the latter two having never been aired and speculated to contain a large amount of rape humor and surrealistic monologues about Bryant's ostensibly large genitals.

Cast And Characters

• Kobe Bryant as Himself - A successful basketball star who is suddenly and inexplicably transported to Egypt. He is largely unphased by this development and only occasionally quips humorously about the state of his situation. He soon surmises that he is on a quest to "get [his] boy some chocolate milk", his boy presumed to be his sidekick Dee Fish. He has powers that he does not fully understand yet and which are only superficially related to his athleticism, and a penchant for witty catchphrases.
• Derek Fisher as Dee Fish - A talking fish that Kobe is constantly holding in his right hand. By default he accompanies Kobe on his quest in Egypt, but he is not as non-chalant about their predicament as his friend, largely because he is a fish stuck in the middle of Egypt, likely doomed to a slow and painful death. Kobe occasionally dribbles Dee Fish like a basketball when his whining and insults go too far.

Plot Synopsis

The show begins with a shot of Kobe Bryant standing in the foreground of an unidentified Egyptian pyramid. Immediately, Bryant shouts the now famous catchphrase, "What the fuck am I doing in Egypt?!" For the next 20 seconds, Kobe silently alternates looking from his left to his right, before settling on the left, and walking casually off-screen in that direction.

Eventually the voice of Dee Fish is finally heard. He scolds Kobe, first because he believes Kobe to have been the one responsible for bringing him out of his natural habitat into the sweltering heat of Egypt, and also for not passing to his open teammates in a recent game. Kobe non-chalantly retorts, "Hey man, that's just how the ball bounces on a fucking sand dune." Eventually, the two realize that Dee Fish will slowly die if they cannot find some chocolate milk to sustain his hydration, and they set off for the nearest pyramid, which they presume will house some. As Kobe puts it, "I bet nobody could hear the screams of a passionate forced sexual encounter in there."

Upon entering the pyramid, the two are quickly accosted by a group of reanimated skeleton warriors, all bearing a strange religious marking resembling a pair of sunglasses. Dee Fish quickly formulates a plan, shouting for Kobe to "go up top!", and the skeletons are soon dispatched as Kobe flagrantly charges through them on the way to a sacred vase displayed in the center of the room, catching Dee Fish who had previously leaped into the air and slam dunking him straight through the opening in the vase. Before Fish can properly express his distaste at being pajama-jammed into a dusty ceremonial relic, an old stone door opens amid a cloud of dust, as though triggered by the monster smash that had just occurred. Kobe looks to his friend cautiously and quips, "Just remember, Dee. What happens in Egypt, stays buried for thousands of years in a creepy pyramid tomb...in Egypt", before the two continue on through the new opening.

In this room, which appears to be an ornately decorated trophy room, Kobe and Fish encounter what they first believe to be a statue of the infamous Michael Jordan. Kobe spits on the ground and chuckles before the statue begins to talk, startling the duo. The statue is in fact the real Michael Jordan, frozen, mid-backboard-shattering dunk, in carbonite, with only his lips free to move. Jordan warns Kobe and Fish of the evil of the great Pharaoh: Miami, the one who placed him under this curse and the wielder of a power greater even than Michael's. Kobe, ever the arrogant ballhog, responds dismissively, "Man I don't give a McDonald's sponsorship about no Pharaoh's curse, I'm just tryin' to get my boy some chocolate milk!" The two leave through an opening at the back of the room, leaving Michael to muse aloud concerning his future plans for becoming Manager Of Basketball Operations for the Charlotte Bobcats, noting that "This place should do just fine for my office."

The next room at first appears to be nothing, and Kobe reaches up to his forehead and says "Man, why I gotta be wearing this headband so close to the equator?", taking it off and tossing it onto the floor. The floor in turn suddenly opens up and swallows up the headband, Kobe and Dee Fish and as they plummet downwards it is revealed that they're falling toward a massive bed of spikes. Kobe yells in shock and makes a motion to block his eyes, and at this moment Kobe learns the first of his powers. Basketballs endlessly flow forth from his hand like an energy beam and fall to the floor below, filling out the area in between the spikes and eventually towering above them. The duo land and basketballs go flying everywhere. The two come back up out of the basketballs and Kobe has a ball lodged into his mouth, which he spits away. Kobe and Dee Fish discuss what just happened and come to the conclusion that whatever brought them here must have bestowed mystical powers upon Kobe, that as of yet he can only used when in a stressful situation.

"Woo boy!", Dee Fish exclaims, "that sure was scary! But probably not as scary as being tricked into being used as some kind of sex object by an influential and respected public figure, only to be further punished by the accusatory eye of the media and the twisted, puritanical double-standards of the public eye."

Horatio from Csi: miami which had recently come out plays the pharaoh: miami. he defeats the pilot's villain by outsmarting him in a woodchopping competition.

The replacement for the show was re-runs of the educational program Potato Salad Around The World, starring Michael Palin

Anti-humor "catchphrases" and rape stuff