User:PopGoesTheWeasel/HowTo:Steal Tommy's Cookies

Can your day get any worse?

It's been a long day. It can't get any worse, can it? You've been dumped, fired and robbed - and everything happened in one day. And here you are, on your way home from work. Delightful, is'nt it? You trudge back home. You're wearing your Grandma's blue underwear.It has a Snoopy Dog logo on it. Your worst nightmare. You're too broke to even sort out your own undergarments. Delightful, is'nt it?

After your friends all laugh at you, you're finally back at home. Then you hear grumbling. Is it the pipe? You haven't paid the electric bills yet. So no air con for the day. And that's bad news. Without air con, your chest cannot adapt. It grows hair. Really itchy hair. You can feel it. You want to shave it off, but does your shaver even work? Come to think of it, you sold the shaver in desperation for money. It only lasted you for one day. Probably not even one. But only now, you realise it is'nt the pipes. It's your stomach. It hungers for food.

Nothing to eat except for that. But you won't eat that.

You open the fridge. To your anguish, there's nothing left inside. Oh, what's that? Nope, just the head of that bitch. Why did you kill her? Come to think of it, she just would'nt shut up when she saw you taking some cookies from her brother Tommy. So you're so broke you're stealing. And she says :

“ You're taking bro's cookies! I'm telling my mother! ”

You kill her in desperation. You hide her body in your freezer. At least you won't go hungry. That's what you think as you munch away on her pelvis. Scattered with pepper. And melted cheese. You like cheese. You wasted three bucks on the cheese. But in 1 day, you finish most of her body. What is left? Her head. You don't like that head. You're planning on dumping it later. So what can you eat? Then you see Tommy again. He's holding the same jar of cookies. He's flashing a ridiculous grin. What a bitch.

You can't just kill another kid again. You have your reputation to worry about. You may have gotten away with your first crime, but what about this? This is why you're reading this article, right? Right. So lets go back to where you were standing. You're standing outside the window. You see Tommy. What is he doing? Aha! Looks like he 'still' has his jar of cookies with him. You must steal it or else you will go hungry again. But do it with style. With dignity. But is snatching a jar of cookies from a little kid bitch called stealing with style and dignity? Nah. Remember, like I said, you have your reputation to worry about. So that's why you are reading this. Right? Right.

Step 1 : Calm Approach

You're overdoing it.

Your smile is too short.

Approach Tommy calmly. After, all, he can't be as noisy as that little bitch, right? Right. Is he still outside your door? No. Appearently, he's been knocking numerous times. What happened? You did'nt anwser? That's too bad. You can't invite him into your house and beat the living shit out of his head with your baseball bat anymore. What's that? You sold your baseball bat too? Bah, there's still time.

Indeed, your outfit looks very dignified and formal. Now learn to walk properly.

Remember, the last thing you want to do is to make him suspicous. In order to camly approach him, appear as dignified as possible. Try to wear your best clothing. Yes, that's right. Walk to him calmy. Puff your chest up. Shit. Your chest hair. I forgot. Fuck. Try another clothing.

That's better. Remember, dignified posture. Walk as if you walk that way all your life. Give yourself a faint smile. Noooo not too much! A smile measuring a length of 10 cm is enough. Any longer and your face might crack. A 10 cm maximum. Not too short too, or Tommy might think you're Bat Fuck Insane. Although that might be true because of the undergarments you're wearing.

Step 2 : Be Polite

Every kid likes an adult being polite to them. So when you walk up to good ol' Tommy, remember, you're here for his cookies. Try to be polite.