User:Peteinhou/John Singleton Copley

John Singleton Copley (1738 – 1904) was a fairly untalented American painter who produced most of his works in late 18th century New England, a period known as The Era of Shitty Painting. Copley was born in Boston, known at that time as Ye Towne of Beans, however throughout the course of his bizarre life he also lived in London, Calgary, and Minas Tirith. Copley is best known for his portraiture (people paintin'), choosing as his subjects rakish scoundrels, foppish dandies, and insolent traitors to the Crown.

Copley's notable Snot-Nosed Punk with his Stupid Rat

Early Life

Copley’s father was John Singleton, noted director of such plays as Ye Lads in thy Hamlet and Shafte. Copley’s mother is not known, as women were of no importance during that time. Copley himself was not enamored by the theater, and instead dreamed of joining the slave trade. As a young man, he attempted to enter such common period occupations as cobblestoning and pewtering, with little success. He began attending fairs and drawing sketches of ridiculous people with enormous heads, asking in return for farthings or pences or whatever the hell the currency was. While there Copley was discovered by eminent Italian painter/sculptor Murray Goldstein, who took Copley into his tutelage.

Fame, Fortune, and Babes

Under Goldstein, Copley perfected his wearisome and unimaginative style. At the time, paint could only be obtained through the rendering of human blood, making artwork available to only the wealthiest and most sinister members of society. Copley’s approach appealed to these individuals, mainly due to their exceedingly poor eyesight. His works typically portrayed an eerily cold elitist staring lifelessly out from a morbid canvas. Usually there was a clock in there, too. During his time in Boston, Copley painted such noted colonials as John Adams, Samuel Adams, John Quincy Adams, Gomez and Morticia Adams, and Grizzly Adams. An attempt was made to persuade him to join in the American Revolution, however he declined due to his Kabbalah faith and an acute allergy to musket balls.

Decline and the Grave

As Copley advance in years his already lousy work continued to get worse. Prominent Bostonians were now turning to Annie Leibovitz for their likenesses, and Copley’s commissions dried up. His final painting - Ye Dogs Pley Poker - received only token recognition. Copley developed an addiction to leaches and faded into obscurity. He took to panhandling just outside the Hancock Tower, being seen there so frequently that people began to refer to the square as his. Soon before his death, the citizens of Boston honored him by loading him into a cannon and firing him into the harbor, whereupon he died. Today, the spot he entered the water is marked with a lobster pot, except when it’s not.