User:Orian57/12 Days of Cristmas/Day Two
Guilt tormented me through the night – how could I forget a whole father!? I walk through the flat bleary eyed. “You know you’re almost thirty, David. It’s about time you settled down, got yourself a house and a wife and children.”
“You’re not my real mother.” I mumble half conscious.
“What?” I spin round, sending my ‘piggin’ mornings’ mug flying at a lethal velocity. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Er who are you?” Sorry? What the fuck for!? It’s your flat you need to demand what this stranger is doing here.
“I was with Gerry. I was just leaving anyway. I think he’s still asleep so…”
“Um, Ok.” I nod. It wasn’t an entirely new experience: strange men leaving Gerry’s room as they replaced wedding rings on their hands.
I probably should talk to him about this. I mean prostitution is technically illegal. I could almost imagine some midnight raid by the police – storming the house to catch them in the act but instead finding me masturbating my way through a box of tissues as I cry.
I spend the rest of the morning desperately searching for something to wrap up and give to dad. Nothing too big as I don’t have much wrapping paper left.
Bent down under the kitchen sink I turn my head. Oh dear god that’s colossal!
“Ge- Gerry! What have I told you about not-wearing clothes in the house?”
“Oh yeah, sorry mate. I just needed a coffee.” He says spooning four or five loads into his cups.
“Look, please, that has to last!” I say blocking the spoon.
“But it’s fair trade, Dave. I’m doing the world a favour. I need it anyway if you could believe the night I’ve had. Kinda glad the boss made me work actually.”
“Pimp, Gerry. You mean your pimp don’t you?”
“Look I don’t know why you think I’m a slutty rent boy!” The spoon clatters to the ground and the kettle grumbles. Oh no, here comes a tantrum. When will you learn to just leave well enough alone? “I’m insulted! I mean I even showed you the office where I work!”
“Do you mean the one where nobody knew you and the security guard tazered my testicles before throwing us out?” I probably should make an appointment with the fertility clinic actually.
“Yes, I explained before my colleagues are a bunch of jokers – you know they like having a laugh! Honestly you’re such a fantasist!” He stomps back to his room with a coffee and slams the door.
Later I give him a knock and call into his room over the grunting and panting and loud rap music.
“Try and keep the noise down tonight, I need to leave at four to avoid the traffic.”
“Homophobe!” He shouts in between the words "fuck" and "me".
“Look, I am not being homophobic. I just simply asked you to keep the noise to a minimum.”
“Oh go back to the BNP, ya tosser.”
I am going back to the BNP. I’m spending Christmas with my family. They might lynch the man delivering the Chinese.