User:Orian57/12 Days of Cristmas/Day Six
It’s six in the morning and I’m standing outside in my dressing gown as slush invades my favourite pair of slippers. Why? Because my flat is on fire.
“Couldn’t you have gotten dressed before coming outside? I mean even if you do sleep naked you could have at least had the decency to put on some pants.”
“Oh for god’s sake David stop being so uptight – don’t you know that the human body is the most beautiful work of art on the planet?”
I can only sigh as I look up at the flames.
“I’d really like to know how that started. You did turn off all the plugs before going to bed didn’t you?”
“Of course I did, what do you take me for!?”
Incompetent. Foolish. Moronic I raise an eyebrow at him.
“I might have left the oven on though.”
“Oven!? What were you cooking at four in the morning?”
“Just some brownies…” He shrugs.
“You weren’t cooking hash brownies again were you?”
“No, of course not. I took the hash before starting. Figured I’d be nice and high by the time they were ready. Must have fallen asleep. I hope the firemen don’t steal the bag I’d kept for New Years.”
“You’ve left drugs up there!? Christ I’ll get arrested – what if they think I’m a dealer?”
“Relax Dave it’s not illegal, just like tobacco.”
“It is you know.”
“I did kinda wonder why they put those pictures on the packet. Must be some sort of warning: ‘don’t buy this product or we will cut out your lungs!’ crazy world.”
I shake my head.
We ended up spending the rest of the day being examined and asked questions. I had to tell people that none of the dildos were mine – I didn’t know who left the hash behind the plug and that yes I knew better than to put used incontinence pads in the wastebasket.
However the animal-hating land lord found out about the cat that “hid under then bed and died” then promptly informed me I was not welcome back after they’d cleared up.
Eventually we were directed to a bed and breakfast, a step up from the motel, granted, but nothing too fancy because I still have to pay for it.
“Wow this is nice.” Gerry told the elderly woman behind the desk.
“Is it. I’ve been telling Bastard for months it needs doing. Haven’t I? Bastard!?”
“Yes dear I know, but I’ve been telling you for months that we can’t afford it.” said the man comming out from the back room.
“Yes because this shite décor scares away potential customers!”
“That’s highly doubtful, dear.”
“Oh just fuck off Bastard and show these gentlemen to their room.” She snapped, thrusting the key into his hand.
The owl-like man lead us up the stairs and passed the communal bathroom to the big bedroom at the end of the hall.
“As you can see this room is on suite, there’s some coffee there if you want to relax and the TV has all four available channels. Breakfast is served between seven and ten, if you need anything just scream and we’ll be with you as soon as we can. Try not to burn the place down.” he added good naturedly.
“I didn’t burn the last place down – it was his faulty oven!” Gerry defended.
“Yes. Sorry, sorry. Please, do enjoy your stay.” He left before I noticed there was only one bed. Gerry is lying on it and he looks at me.
“Can you believe the cheek of him? What a bastard!”
“I don’t—”
“Of course you don’t think so, you’re reasonable!”
“No – he is – but could you sleep on the floor?”
“No.” He pulled back the duvet. “It’s not a dream come true for me either, Big Boy.”
“Look I’m not one of your clients—”
“I wouldn’t have said that to any of my clients even if I was a cunt-for-rent.”
“Oh, ok.” I give in. It'll be ok if we top and tail. That's still acceptable, right?
I spent the rest of the night staring at his feet, while trying not to fall off the edge and worrying about the fact I’d have to ask to stay at dad’s to avoid the frankly pricy bills.