User:Nikau/UnNews:“Back of Tall, Balding Man’s Head” most viewed film of last year, expected to sweep Oscars
Los Angeles, California - As Hollywood looks towards the awards season with high hopes, higher actors and an ever expanding silicon bill, an Anglo-American survey has found that the most popular film viewed in cinemas over the last year was instead an independent production, Back of Tall, Balding Man’s Head, with a script acted entirely by unknowns. Accompanied by the harmonious soundtrack of man with a simultaneously loud and contagious disease and the folk drawl of woman who can’t stop asking what other films that particular guy with the hair has been in, the film is a surprise favourite to clean up in all major acting categories at the Oscars and leave half empty Coke bottles in the minor categories.
An adaptation of the Rameau opera, Rear of Ornate Wig and clearly drawing from Shakespeare's play Richard the Third Fucking Baby That Won’t Stop Screaming, the film is most often seen as a romantic comedy. One is given a candid look into the world of the titular character as he attempts to both awkwardly embrace his love interest and find a comfortable leaning position in the modest setting, the whole 96 minutes viewed from behind the cover of a chair sparsely decorated with crudely penned genitalia. Though the characters remain unnamed throughout, by the conclusion of the film it is agreed by most critics that "...you could embrace that 20 square centimeters of thinning hair as your own family. At Christmas."
In 1733 the original opera swept Paris into a riotous frenzy not seen for minutes with its authentic depiction of courtly life and outrageous lack of cleavage. The cinematic version has so far lived up to this pedigree, with enthusiastic frenzy among contemporary Anglo-American families for largely the same reason (cleavage lying top of the Mother’s Universal Bad Influence Scale, far exceeding Satan and gratuitous violence), the survey concluding the average child had seen the film 3.7 times in the past year. Popularity is strangely high across all demographics though, and the film’s signature tune Absolutely annoying preset ringtone number seven remains the nation’s most popular preset ringtone number seven.
No single factor has yet been isolated as a cause of this success, however industry insiders are citing both strong acting and immersive 3D effects, whereby patrons may actually feel as though their seat is being kicked by a hyperactive child during the tensest scenes. An air of art-house is also maintained throughout, with the dimly lit setting and constantly flickering aisle light-source starkly aluding to how many characters have smacked their shins against that in prior productions.
Particularly praised has been the film's depth of sub-plots, wherein one previously minor character commands a minute of screen time as he shuffles slowly by in front of the hero, muttering apologies. Several minutes later the anonymous man returns to inch back in the opposite direction, now muttering both apologies and curses about taps precision guided to spray on his groin. "No film has captured the grand narrative of man, or man with hair, in such a way," points out columnist Fiona Laughlin "...that the entirety of human progress has been to prevent the spillage of stuff onto groins, yet all we have done is make the spilling more efficient. The wisdom is there for all to behold."
Despite the unanimously glowing reviews, many reported their viewing experience had been spoiled by some strange, giant moving pictures on the wall facing them. “I tried glaring at these pictures to make them stop, one of my friends even tried nudging them a bit, but they just wouldn’t,” laments one movie goer “I think the wall was trying to tell a story to someone, I couldn’t really see. Either way it ruined the whole movie for me.” Records show that such technical difficulties would dog Rameau's work also and, as the peasants threw down the tyranny of the jumbo beverage combo, the play would be dramatically shortened to something boring about people singing on a stage.
A cinematic sequel is already in pre-production under the working title Pony-tail of Lanky Teen Girl Who Spends Entire Time Texting with magazines abuzz as to who might play the leading couple. An actor who wishes to remain anonymous, mainly because he is Tom Cruise, ruled himself out of running however, much to the disappointment of one viewer we approached “I could empathise with the man, you really felt as though you were surrounded by a bunch of assholes. Tom Cruise would just make it that much more genuine.”