User:Nameable/UnScripts:Nurseryland Police Dept, Interview Transcripts, 1998

This is the transcript of the police questioning that took place into the case of Cock Robin, who was found murdered on Sunday 8th January at 5am. The records were obtained from Nurseryland Police Dept. They are as complete as far as possible. Requested under The Freedom Of Information Act.

Interview 1

Tape begins.

DI JONES: This is Detective Inspector Jones, of the Nurseryland Police Force, commencing questioning at 12:03pm on Sunday January 8th, 1998. Will you state your full name, please?

FLY: Fly. Just Fly.

DI: I'm afraid I can't, I don't have wings.

JUST FLY: Er...no. That's my name. Just Fly.

DI: Ah, yes. Of course. Are you related to Simple Simon?

JUST FLY: Er, no. He's a boy, I'm a fly. That would be weird.

DI: Oh yeah, of course. So, Fly, I would like to hear an exact account of what you saw and heard at 5am this morning, please.

JUST FLY: Well, at 5am, let's see. I was sitting on a tulip leaf, pondering life. I looked up, and saw it was a cloudy day. Us flies, we don't live long, so having a cloudy day was bad news. It meant that I was going to spend a quite sizable percentage of my life out of the Sun. So, knowing that, I felt quite morose, you know what I mean? Anyway, just then, the wind blew, and so I flew off my tuli-

DI: (impatient) OK, Fly, I only really need to know about the murder.

JUST FLY: Oh yes, of course. Anyway, I was sat there, on a tulip, looking at the pond, when I saw Cock Robin arrive. I was admiring his physique, when BAM! (Gets distracted) Do you smell curds?

DI: What? No! What happened after BAM!?

JUST FLY: You sure you didn't have any curds and whey for breakfast?

DI: Yes! Now tell me.

JUST FLY: Oh yeah, sorry. Well, he collapsed dead with an arrow in his heart.

DI: Oh really? And you saw nothing else?

JUST FLY: Well, um... I saw some kittens looking for some mittens just before that, and also, in Cock Robin's last words, he said something weird. Like "Beware the Woollies!" Or was it Wallis? Or Sewing? Or Wheels? Do you smell whey?

DI: Thank you very much, Fly. I will contact you if I need you.

JUST FLY: Awesome. It's so cool being a witness! I, Just Fly, with my little eye, I saw him die!

DI: Yeah...Interview terminated at 12:24pm.

Interview 2

Tape begins.

DI JONES: This is Detective Inspector Jones, of the Nurseryland Police Force, commencing questioning at 14:13pm on Sunday January 8th, 1998. Will you state your full name, please?

BAA BAA BLACK SHEEP: My birth name or my cool name?

DI: Your birth name, please.

BB: Baa Baa Black Sheep. But that's a stupid name. Like Little Red Riding Hood. My friends call me BB.

DI: OK, thank you, BB. Now, I am here to talk to you about the murder of Cock Robin. According to a witness, his last words were "Beware The Woollies!" You are reported to have known him well. What does "Beware The Woollies" mean?

BB: I have no fucking clue.

DI: Right. (Pause). So how's the wool business going?

BB: It's going alright, actually. I have three bags full today. I'm gonna give one to that Old Dame Hubbard down the lane, yeah. I had some wool ready for her yesterday, actually, but it was stolen.

DI: Oh really?

BB: Yeah. Taken from right underneath my chinny-chin-chin. Anyways, can I go now?

DI: Sure. Oh, actually, wait! Have you seen Miss Mary Muffet recently? She's been gone a few weeks now.

BB: What, the one with the severe arachnophobia? No. We don't talk much any more.

DI: Oh. Of course. The stalking.

BB: Well...yeah. But that was ages ago, okay! I was only just a lamb back then! My fleece was white as snow! (sadly) It's not like that any more...Anyway, I better get back to Bo Peep.

DI: Interview terminated at 14:24pm.

Interview 3

Tape begins.

DI JONES: This is Detective Inspector Jones, of the Nurseryland Police Force, commencing questioning at 16:20 on Sunday January 8th, 1998. Will you state your full names, please?

KITTENS: We are Kitten 1, Kitten 3 and Kitten 4.

DI: Thank you. Wait - only 1, 3 and 4? (realises) Oh, I am sorry for your loss. Was it that well again?

KITTEN 1: No, it was a drive by shooting.

DI: Oh...So, did you know Cock Robin?

KITTEN 3: Us? Not at all.

DI: Who did know Cock Robin?

KITTEN 4: Well, Simple Simon was pretty good friends with him. Old Mother Hubbard hated all birds in general. And Sparrow and Weasel really hated him, because he was always taunting them.

DI: Interesting... So, where were you at 5am this morning?

KITTEN 3: Outside, looking for our mittens. We'd only knitted them yesterday, and they were already lost.

DI Did you see anybody else?

KITTEN 4: Well yeah, a whole crowd. There was that fly, Simple Simon, Little Jack Horner, his sister Jill was there I think, Sparrow flew in at some point, Old Mother Hubbard walking her starving dog...

DI: But no Cock Robin?

KITTEN 1: No. He was over by the pond and the tulips. We were in Mary's cockle shell garden.

DI: Huh. Guess that explains why Just Fly didn't mention any of those people to me. (suspicious) Hang on, where did you get the wool for your mittens from?

KITTEN 1: Er...yeah, we might owe BB an apology...

DI: Not just an apology. I'm arresting you on suspicion of theft. You have the right to remain silent, but anything you do say may be used against you in court. Interview terminated at 16:35.

Interview 4

Tape begins.

DI JONES: This is Detective Inspector Jones, of the Nurseryland Police Force, commencing questioning at 09:16 on Monday January 9th, 1998. Will you state your full name, please?

OLD MOTHER HUBBARD: Old Mother, or Old Dame, Hubbard.

DI: Do you understand why you are here?

HUBBARD: Is it the dog thing again? Listen, I already gave him a bone. PETA are lying. Anyway, that old man who rolls down hills, you know, Nicholas Knack, he gives the stupid dog plenty of bones as well! The dog just has a very high metabolism, I swear.

DI: Er, it's actually not about that.

HUBBARD: Is it that I whip my children? Because what I do in my own shoe-shaped house is of my concern and not yours.

DI: Er, no-

HUBBARD: (interrupting) Is it because I swallowed that fly this morning? Because he literally just flew into my mouth and I couldn't help it. I then had to eat a spider to catch the fly, and then a...

DI: Hold on...you swallowed a fly? Just Fly? Hang on, does this mean you swallowed the only witness?

HUBBARD: Witness to what?

DI: The murder, at 5am yesterday morning, of Cock Robin.

HUBBARD: Oh my god! Er, yes, I may have swallowed the only witness...But I didn't do the murder. I was fast asleep at that time! But-(stops)

DI: But what?

HUBBARD: Well, I think I know who did do it. You know that weasel? Well, I overheard Sparrow and him talking. Weasel was saying how much he hated that Cock Robin. Called him a cock, amongst other things. The sparrow was agreeing. I think that the weasel may have murdered him!

DI: When was this?

HUBBARD: Ooh, a few days ago. Friday the 6th, I think.

DI: Well, that's very interesting. But it can't be right. The weasel in question died of an overdose on Saturday 7th January. Tuppenny rice and treacle were involved. (pause) That was a full day before the murders took place. Which means...(comes to sudden realisation) Interview terminated at 10:11.

Interview 5

Tape begins.

DI JONES: This is Detective Inspector Jones, of the Nurseryland Police Force, commencing questioning at 15:06 on Monday January 9th, 1998. Will you state your full name, please?

SPARROW: I am Mr. Sparrow.

DI: Is that your full name?

SPARROW: Yes, I'm a sparrow. We don't really do names. (angrily) We're not pets, you know!

DI: Very well. Mr Sparrow, do you know where you were at approximately 5 o'clock in the morning of Sunday January 8th?

SPARROW: Yes.

DI: Right. Where were you at approximately 5 o'clock in the morning of Sunday January 8th?

SPARROW: I was in my nest, as usual. I had just woken up - I always wake up early. I like to get the best worms, see.

DI: So, you are saying that you were in your nest at 5 o'clock?

SPARROW: Quite.

DI: You didn't leave your nest?

SPARROW: No.

DI: Mr. Sparrow, I have reason to believe you left your nest. Three witnesses saw you leave your nest.

SPARROW: Who?

DI: Some kittens, who were out looking for some mittens they'd lost. Now, did you leave your nest?

SPARROW: NO! I already told you. It was probably them kittens that did it, if they're lying about me leaving my nest.

DI: Right. We'll move on. Mr. Sparrow, why, when we searched your nest, did we discover that you are currently in possession of a bow and arrow?

SPARROW: What? No I ain't.

DI: I am now showing Mr. Sparrow Exhibit A, the murder weapon. Why was this found in your nest, Mr. Sparrow?

SPARROW: (flustered) I don't know! I'm being framed! It wasn't me!

DI: It has your feather prints all over it...

SPARROW: NO! It can't have!

DI: I'm afraid it does, Mr. Sparrow. Now, I would like to ask you - did you kill Cock Robin?

SPARROW: (gulping) No, no...

DI: Was it you? WHO KILLED COCK ROBIN?

SPARROW: (crying) OK!!! I, Mr. Sparrow...(sob) with my bow and arrow,...(sob) I killed Cock Robin.

DI: Wha- Hang on, was that a confession?

SPARROW: (pause) Yes...

DI: Bingo! (seriously) Why did you do it?

SPARROW: (breaking down as all captured murderers do) It was all the taunting! The endless taunting! He said I was one of the blackbirds that was baked in a pie! A blackbird indeed! I'm so much more than a blackbird. And he was always getting on the Christmas cards, showing off his body. I mean, why don't they ever have sparrows on Christmas cards? It just infuriated me so much. The last straw was when he managed to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. He made me look like a fool, when I couldn't do it - and I have an engineering degree and everything. Damn him!

DI: So you killed him?

SPARROW: Yes. It was easy. I nicked some wood off that boat that goes gently down the stream, and fashioned it into a makeshift bow and arrow. I told him on Saturday that the weasel was coming to kill him, because he was tired of being "popped" at. I hoped that he would tell everyone about it, and they would blame Weasel. Then the weasel died of an overdose before I had killed him, ruining this plan. Still, I went ahead. The next morning, I went to the pond very early. I knew he'd be there, to look at his reflection. And I shot him right through the redbreast. Then I flew off to my nest in the cockle shell garden, making sure that the kittens saw me, so I had an alibi.

DI: Ah! I knew it! Well, some of it. But I still don't understand...Just Fly said something about "Beware the Woollies?" What did that mean?

SPARROW: It wasn't Woollies, it was Weasel! Cock Robin hadn't heard about Weasel's death when he died.

Pause.

SPARROW: Hey, I just realised that his name was Cock! Lol!

DI: Right. That was pretty bloody complicated. At least it now all makes (some) sense! Anyway, you are now formally charged with murder. You have the right to...blah blah blah. Interview terminated at 16:02.

Tape stops.