User:Nachlader/peegirlbestfriend

|Hscore=5 |Hcomment=Hello again, Tagstit. It is once more a pleasure to review an article of yours. I said on the VFH page that I think this article has some clear potential, I'm not sure about VFH, but it could definitely be better.. But much like the UnBooks:Diary of a Monkey Lover article (which ought to make the featured status now), before I reviewed it, there are areas that I think need shearing, others some reconfiguration, and finally, perhaps total reconstruction in several sections.

I give the humour score a 5 overall. And I'd say that's a generous score. The defining factor for me is that, as you write it, the idea of a humour article is subtle, yet it is very easy to see what is before me on the computer screen. Sounds daft I know, but I believe the most crucial mark left by a comedian is the aura that tell's the subconscious that they are being funny, they keep the prose alive with somewhat exciting use of their vocabulary and they never fall back from injecting . It is much more apt a style for an article at Uncyc than it is to keep the resounding effect in your writing that you are trying to be serious far too much and the humour dies down.

Anyway, apart from the spirit in which the article has encased in a diamond. There is some nice humour in parts.

But then it also feels like the spirit is locked up in a basement, rather than captured on the deft ends of eye-lashes. Some of the joke seems to rely a tad too much upon cheap humour. The character of Stacy, the girlfriend's best friend, is a rather crude and disinteresting person. The self-abominable joke centring around her weight is a cheap and tactless swipe of a joke. It's been done before too many times and it simply doesn't count as fresh humour. |Cscore=6 |Ccomment=Somewhat nice. Before I read the article, I believed I was into the kind of tale where a man is obsessed with his girlfriend's best friend (who is doubly attractive) and the humour twirls around the man's lust and temptation, his pitfalls in trying to chat up the warm and cool best friend whilst his loving other half is looking the other way. It sounded like it had a nice scope.

But I have to say, it was disappointing to find, instead, a blunt character that develops only grey patterns in my brain since the joke seems fairly obvious. It does follow a trend of yours to elicit grotesque humour, of which has worked in your favour several times before |Pscore=7 |Pcomment=Now, the most obvious part first: the italics almost make the entire article damn near hazardous to my eyes. Like, the words are trying to sharpen themselves and cause oracular haemorrhaging on the scale that a puncture to the vitreous fluid is left embarrassed. The article is in first person, and I understand that the italics represent the thoughts of the character as the story toils on. However, most first person articles that I've encountered simply use standard text formatting. I'd say that in almost every situation, italics are best used for quotes (as well as making keywords stand out). There are plenty of quotes here. Perhaps you should switch the text formatting around?

There are also several spelling mistakes. |Iscore=5 |Icomment=Four images, all caption work. Only one image made me laugh and that was the whales image. The other images are respectable "keep the eyes busy" components to the article. They could be bigger though, just play with the "100px" tool until the image looks large enough.

I can't suggest much here. As ever, the article feels more text-oriented. |Mscore=6 |Mcomment=Average'd to some extent, I don't know. |Fcomment=So. I've gone insofar to suggest two paths: stay on with your idea, or completely redevelop the article (despite the fact that it made it to VFH, but Socky votes for everything) |Signature=---kun "whisper sweet nothings into thine ear..." 20:42, 19 April 2009 (UTC) }}