User:Musty Elbow/Axe

Typically replaces "ask" when used by African-Americans. e.g. "Can I axe you a question?" Also used as a subliminal threat: "Can I axe you--(pause)--a question?"

An axe is a type of weapon which is often used by vikings, particularly when raiding an pillaging in a forest. It's a little known fact that the use of axes was responsible for killing every tree on Easter island, which is ultimately responsible for the loss of the island's entire population, as they decided that the island was no longer pretty and then threw themselves off a cliff in a group suicide. It was a sad day. Except that no-one really cared.

Types of Axe

A lumberjack using his weapon of choice.

There are several common types of axe, all of which have evolved from the Viking Axe.

Battle Axe

Battle Axes are more feared than Viking Axes as they are able to act automously. There are few known defenses against old women: the only two being another Battle Axe or a bite from the vicious tree serpent of Vietnam.

Hammer

The Hammer was invented after the great MC Hammer was using a Viking Axe and noticed that it was blunt and was therefore suitable to place nails into wood, therefore allowing for great advances in woodwork. Because of this, the Hammer became increadibly popular and is now the worldwide number one type of axe, a fact which makes the vikings very angry. Hammers are generally designed for use with one or two hands, although other versions do exist, and have a flat, rather than sharp, head. To combat the popularity of the Hammer, the vikings invented the screw, which cannot be put in place with a Hammer. Big penises are very common in this area. I LIKE DILDOS!

Throwing Axe

Throwing axes have all the deadliness of a normal axe but they are all long ranged weapons. It is believed that the throwing axe was invented by a young Leif Ericson when he was only 7 years old. Leif was scared of the monsters that would come out of his closet when he turned off his room light, but he knew that his blanket was a monster-barrier, and that no monsters could penetrate it's magical sheild. So, when he went to bed, before he turned off his monster-repelling light, he would climb into bed, cover himself with his blanket, and then throw a stick with a sharp rock tied onto it at his light. The light smashed and went out, and thus promptly the monsters came out. Baffled, they realized that Leif was safe underneath his blanket, and they could not do any harm to him. Leif supposedly then shouted at the monsters, "Pzam biotches!" The monsters then sadly left their home (Leif's closet) and went to Australia eventually evolving into duck-billed platypuses. Today, the throwing axe is used as part of the olympic event called the "Vikathalon" which constists of a collection of Viking-related activities and athletic feats.

The Teacher's Axe

The phrase "Be very afraid of the Teacher's axe" originated from a teacher who had threatened her students with an axe if they were not quiet. This resulted in several desks being split in two and students writing sentences on the chalkboard. The children told their parents about the teacher and her axe and then several calls to the school followed. These were of parents who were greatly impressed by the teacher's disciplining abilities and told every other teacher that they should use Axes as a disciplinary tool, as the previous disciplinary tool, Rulers, were getting very outdated and were very very dangerous. Soon after the new tools were implemented, children developed a defense known as the "Hadou Ken", which, utilized correctly, can obliterate a teacher from 8 paces. Though only few possessed the skill necessary to use it, the ratio is good enough that at least one kid in every classroom could cast it.

Big Ax

This is a really really big axe that can be found in a treasure chest somewhere. Along with the Ax you will most likely find some party members, and then the fight will begin. The prementioned fight is a cataclysmic and climatic battle where you have to kill Satan approximately 20 times without dying. This, of course, is a breeze. After all, you got a Big Ax.

Deodorant

The use of axes as a deodorant is thought to have first occurred around 1700AD, when someone commented that a viking raider's armpits were smelly, at which point he lopped off both of his own arms in a style which has been preserved perfectly to this day. The onlookers were immediately amazed at the reduction in smell, and all proceeded to follow the viking's lead. This method is still common in the United States of Armenia, however has been superceded by the Lynx method in Great Britain, whereby a household Lynx bites off the smelly person's arms. Several reports claim that both of these methods make people say "bom chika wah wah," unlike the pepper spray used to suffocate all of the miniature wookies inhabiting the armpit hair.

The use of Axes as a deodorant is not to be confused with a brand of deodorant called "Axe" because the name for the chemical is over 40 letters long and takes at least two and a half minutes to pronounce. Because of what it really is, it is not normally called "Axe". It is more commonly known as "Death Cloud in a Can."

Maintenance of Axe

It is very important to every proud owner of an Axe to keep it clean and in shape, in order not to fail when attempting to use it. Be sure that all blood is wiped off before mutilating, as your victim might get ill otherwise. It is also important to sharpen the blade as hacking through bone often duals it to the point where the Axe can only be use as a curved beating stick. Upon slaughtering your victim, it is suggested that you grin and slowly let your tongue glide across the blood spattered parts of the axe. This is proper axe edicate.