User:Multiliteralist/haikus
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An important announcement[edit | edit source]
In total capitulation before the superiority of far eastern culture, the cornerstones of western literature will be converted into a series of haikus during this year. This will save the precious time of the future generations, who will be busier and busier having fun. The following haikus are the first speculative attempts at the task. The reader is welcome to contemplate the depth and meaning of these magnificent poems.
Harry Potter[edit | edit source]
Harry and the Sorcerer's Stone[edit | edit source]
- Boy left on front stoop / magical mystery tour / six more books to go
Harry Pooter and the Chamber of Secrets[edit | edit source]
- Boy goes back to school / some mysteries to be solved / it was a big snake
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban[edit | edit source]
- Wizard sought by dog / Dementors kiss is chilling / Harry saves the day
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire[edit | edit source]
- Harry is set up / must compete against schoolmates / Voldemort rises
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix[edit | edit source]
- Dumbeldore sacked / Dee Umbridge tortures Harry / should have killed the bitch
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince[edit | edit source]
- Dumbledore fries hand / Keys to past sought by two / Dumbledore gets it
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows[edit | edit source]
- Harry on the run / Hiding with Ron and Granger / kills Voldemort, fin.
The rest of them[edit | edit source]
Grapes of Wrath[edit | edit source]
- Pack up lives - go west / Sister nurses homeless man / I am out of here.
Gone With the Wind[edit | edit source]
- Spoiled belle loves man / War rages between North South / Fiddle de de she's screwed.
DaVinci Code[edit | edit source]
- Man dies, leaves clues / Two seek answers to meaning / Of course she is it.
New Testament[edit | edit source]
- Christ dies for our sin / resurrected from the grave / It's a miracle!
The Color Purple[edit | edit source]
- Girl enslaved by Dad / Sold to Mister; falls for Shug / Making pants pay bills
The Odyssey[edit | edit source]
- Troy has fallen. Odysseus lost / twenty years, wife courted / he comes home, kills all
The Iliad[edit | edit source]
- Achilles loses prize / sulks while Hektor rampant / towards the end A. kills H.
The Castle[edit | edit source]
- Man comes to village / tries to get to Castle / Fat chance, sucker
Old Testament[edit | edit source]
- God makes Earth and all / Adam and Eve eat apple / The Lord's hand smites thee
Heart of Darkness[edit | edit source]
- Man goes to jungle / finds another man there / kills him, ambiguous
Lord of the Rings[edit | edit source]
- This One Ring / such a badass trinket / destroyed by the good ones
Below Zero[edit | edit source]
- I'm bored bored bored / bored of snorting coke / pissing off, bye!
Frankenstein[edit | edit source]
- Victor the poor genius / creates a magnificent jerk / who kills him
Dracula[edit | edit source]
- Count sucks your blood / crosses the ocean for love / consequently dies
Crime and Punishment[edit | edit source]
- Man kills another / presumably for money / gets caught, punished
Auto-da-Fé[edit | edit source]
- Professor with a load of books / marries his servant / what a fucking mess
Rebecca[edit | edit source]
- Timid girl gets man / at manor, meets Mrs. Danvers / Manderlay in flames!
Hansel & Grettel[edit | edit source]
- Dad loses his job / into the forest children / witch wants snack; kill her!
Anything by John Updike[edit | edit source]
- Angst filled aging men / obtusely searching for answers / I'm confused by plot