User:Mrs Goggins Trophy
The Mrs Goggins Trophy (or MGT for short) is a cup awarded to the winner of the Pro Evo bout 'twixt co-hosts 'Long ball' D and Raven, and attendees 'rock god' Esq and 'vinegar toes' Phwilly.
The trophy derived from the attending Esq's likeness to the Postman Pat character.
D usually takes control of Arsenal - the pump up the field from the goaltender or the 'hook' from a defender up to Henry suiting his long ball style of play. D is also noted for rarely scoring from open play and also letting his netminder take all corners, free kicks and penalties, as well as bringing him out of his box on more than one occasion. Not to mention his knack of heading the ball into his own net when a ball is whipped into his own box.
Raven reigned supreme throughout all bouts on Pro Evo 5 with his self-created Norwich City team but alas hasn't had time to enter said team into the new version of Pro Evo so he usually settles for Manchester United or disgraced Juventus.
Esq plumps for his beloved AC Milan - such is his Italian heritage. Said loyalty is further reflected by his donning of the official shirt worn by the Rossoneri (Red-blacks).
Dearest Phwil (Schildkröt or shelled toad), in homage to his looky likey Rafael Benitez, dons a retro Liverpool top (evoking memories past of the time he received delivery of a pizza in said garb) as he takes charge of the mighty Reds. His game lacks any real skill with Phwilly usually putting all 11 men behind the ball and shutting up shop from the off. He has yet to win a bout or even come close. Poor Phwilly.
Current MGT Champion: Raven (03/06/08 - present day) Previous winners: Dood (08/04/08 - 03/06/08) Raven (18/03/08 - 08/04/08) Esq (two titles 28/01/08 - 18/03/08) Raven (14/01/08 - 28/01/08) Esq (18/12/07 - 14/01/08) Dood (30/10/07 - 18/12/07, two titles in Raven's absence) Raven (three titles over 276 days 25/01/07 - 30/10/07) - reign ended by injury Dood (23/01/07 - 25/01/07)
Master Table[edit | edit source]
- Up to and including bout 12
1. RAVEN P 54, W 32, D 11, L 11, GF 109, GA 61, GD 48, PTS 77
1.42 PTS PER GAME, 2.02 GOALS PER GAME, 1.12 CONCEDED PER GAME
2. DOOD P 72, W 35, D 20, L 17, GF 134, GA 94, GD 40, PTS 95
1.31 PTS PER GAME, 1.86 GOALS PER GAME, 1.31 CONCEDED PER GAME
3. ESQ P 66, W 31, D 16, L 19, GF 134, GA 96, GD 38, PTS 79
1.19 PTS PER GAME, 2.08 GOALS PER GAME, 1.45 CONCEDED PER GAME
4. PHWIL P 66, W 1, D 13, L 52, GF 51, GA 177, GD -126, PTS 16
0.24 PTS PER GAME, 0.77 GOALS PER GAME, 2.68 CONCEDED PER GAME
Head-to-head[edit | edit source]
- Up to and including bout 12
RAVEN
Vs Dood 8 Wins, 5 Draws, 7 Losses GF 29 GA 26
Vs Esq 9 Wins, 4 Draws, 4 Losses GF 33 GA 25
Vs Phwil 15 Wins, 2 Draws, 0 Losses GF 47 GA 10
DOOD
Vs Raven 7 Wins, 5 Draws, 8 Losses GF 26 GA 29
Vs Esq 10 Wins, 8 Draws, 8 Losses GF 45 GA 42
Vs Phwil 18 Wins, 7 Draws, 1 Loss GF 63 GA 23
ESQ
Vs Raven 4 Wins, 4 Draws, 9 Losses GF 25 GA 33
Vs Dood 8 Wins, 8 Draws, 10 Losses GF 42 GA 45
Vs Phwil 19 Wins, 4 Draws, 0 Losses GF 67 GA 18
PHWIL
Vs Raven 0 Wins, 2 Draws, 15 Losses GF 10 GA 47
Vs Dood 1 Win, 7 Draws, 18 Losses GF 23 GA 63
Vs Esq 0 Wins, 4 Draws, 19 Losses GF 18 GA 67
Records[edit | edit source]
- Up to and including bout 12
Winning streak: 7 (Dood)
Losing streak: 11 (Phwil)
Undefeated: 13 (Esq)
Without a win: 49 (Phwil)
Without a goal: 6 (Phwil)
Highest-scoring game: Dood 6, Phwil 2 (Bout 1)
Dirtiest game: Raven 0, Dood 3 (Bout 1) 5 red cards for Raven
Finest comeback: Dood 2, Esq 3 (Bout 2) All 3 of Esq's goals scored after 90 mins
Most boring game: Dood 0, Esq 0 (Bout 3)
No shots on or off target: Raven 3, Phwil 0 (Bout 4)
Biggest win: Dood 7, Phwil 0 (Bout 6)
Greatest Goal: First appearance of Raven's 70-yard special (Raven 6, Phwil 0 - Bout 8)
Phwil's first win: Dood 0, Phwil 3 (Bout 10)
Tournament Format[edit | edit source]
The Pro Evo bout takes the form of the 'Nearly Times' table which refers to every player facing each other in a round robin contest, followed by a 'Times' table where the fixtures are reversed in a Home and Away leg scenario. This results in a total of 12 games being played and, with such a mammoth fixture list, refreshments take the form of Tropical Fruits cordial provided by co-host D and pizzas (chicken and sweetcorn with BBQ sauce regular) kindly provided by Canaries.
Fixtures and Latest News[edit | edit source]
Tuesday, January 16th was originally penned in as the date of the inaugural round of the MGT with Phwilly hotly tipped to finish bottom. Alas, Esq's car failed its MOT so the opening bout will have to be re-scheduled for a later date.
In an unprecedented and slightly unusual scenario, the following has been planned:
Tuesday 23rd January 2007 - Phwilly will be attending a three-man bout along with co-hosts D and Raven. Esq cannot attend due to his garter being too tight.
Thursday 25th January 2007 - Esq will be attending a three-man bout along with co-hosts D and Raven. Phwilly cannot attend as he will be scouring the city looking for nipple pads that he can use once his first-born makes an appearance.
It has been confirmed that even though both nights will be played with a man short, the MGT WILL be contested. Who will be the first lucky fiend to daub his name on this marvellous artifact? Watch this space...
In an unscheduled dress rehearsal for the opening contest of the MGT, Raven's Manchester United took on D's Arsenal over two legs. D had no answer to Raven's exquisite play (led by the evergreen Giggs) and - once discovering his usual long ball play wasn't having the desired effect, and with no Plan B to switch to - reverted to bringing out his keeper on numerous occaions but the fixture was well and truly over by then with Raven emerging victorious 4-1 over two legs. Bookies immediately installed Raven as odds-on favourite to be the first to lift the MGT on Tuesday, January 23.
Tuesday 10th July 2007 - for the first time since the creation of the Goggins-monikered trophy, the four founding fathers of the MGT will be in attendance at Dandy's new abode at RAF Coltishall. Rumours are abound that Phwil is revelling in this military theme and will don a camouflage jumpsuit and will attend as his alter-ego, Colonel Jumbo.
Unusual Rules[edit | edit source]
Occasionally the participants of the MGT will agree to break from the norm and invoke the Unusual Rules clause. This involves scores being based not on goals but also on the following criteria as listed on Ye Olde Unusual Rules Scribe:
Yellow karton = 1 goal
Red karton = 2 goals (2 yellows = 2 goals)
Woodwork strucketh = 1 goal (multiple strikes welcome)
Ball atop net = 2 goals
Air kick = 1 goal
Corner flag strucketh = 1 goal
Player knobbled = 1 goal (Awarded to distributor not recipient)
Player knobbled harsheth = 2 goals
When playing under Unusual Rules, Esq will attempt to cheat and strike a sneaky corner onto 'atop net' The wily fox has yet to succeed with such a cheapshot.
The Text Message Garnai Controversy[edit | edit source]
One rule that was initially entered then scrapped from the scribe involved 1 goal being awarded to a player if his opponent garnered a text message on his mobile during a match. However, this was scrapped following protest from Phwilly who receives, on average, 507 texts during the evening. It was also assumed that sneaky D would text the players during a game to influence the final standings.
Pre-bout Betting[edit | edit source]
Betting odds on each contestant are provided before the tournoi by the mobile texting Question and Answer service AQA. However, this system has been called into question after, during the final bout before the introduction of the MGT, it predicted Esq to top the table, even though Raven took the crown in all bouts prior. This resulted in further questioning of AQA at £1 a pop but they remained steadfast in their backing of Esq which led to a volley of abuse via text, notably from the aggrieved Raven.
In the end both Raven and AQA were proved wrong as D threw the form book out of the window and took the title.
Further doubt has also been cast on AQA after it predicted that a 'glorious free kick would be struck in the second game'. No free kick (glorious or otherwise) has ever been scored in any game by any player in any bout, ever.
The Inaugural MGT Bout[edit | edit source]
As the snow fell on a typically frosty, cold, bitter January eve so the inaugural bout to contest ownership of the MGT took place at the Mouflon on Tuesday, January 23, 2007.
As Esq was missing from this bout (no doubt due to the rock god rehearsing with his band) the usual bout format was ditched in favour of a threeway round robin consisting of 12 games with everyone playing each other thrice times over a 'Nearly Times', 'Almost Times' and 'Times' table.
D's Arsenal put six past Phwil's Liverpool in the opening bout but Mr Pie Mix did manage to bag two goals in reply. The second game was a comfortable affair as Raven's Red Devils kept a clean sheet against Phwil, bagging a goal up the other end to take all three points. In the bout of the 'Nearly Times' table D and Raven fought a 1-1 draw in a tense affair with Raven scoring from the halfway line after D did a regular and brought his keeper out to take a free-kick.
In the second sequence of games Phwilly shocked all attending by coming back from 2-0 down to secure a 2-2 draw with Dood. In the next game Raven once again comfortably saw off the Phwilmeister with a 3-0 win, in the process scoring the goal of the competition with a delicious lob over the keeper from 20 yards. However, it was in the final game of the 'Almost Times' round that got everyone talking as Raven fell victim to some ridiculous refereeing and became the first contestant ever to lose a game by default after having five players dismissed. Everyone was in agreement that all but one of the red cards dished out was fair. It will forever go down in the MGT record books that D was the first to secure victory through naughtiness.
In the final three games of the bout of the evening both D and Raven saw off Phwilly with 4-0 and 3-0 scorelines respectively. This meant that Raven had to beat D in the final game of the bout to lift the trophy. After a typical finish from a long ball, D took the lead and managed to hold out for a 1-0 win, despite Raven being down to 10 men and striking the bar in the 85th minute. Most pundits agree that it was an undeserved victory.
A short ceremony followed as Dood's name was the first to be etched onto the MGT followed by photographers snapping the bespectacled one lifting the trophy. The press conference that followed was short and sweet with the winner merely proclaiming "all the best". Odd.
The Wheel Mystery[edit | edit source]
The inaugural MGT bout was soured by the theft of dearest Phwil's bicycle wheels. Said bike was chained up on a lamp post situated just outside the Mouflon but, after only half an hour of Phwil's arrival, an alert Raven, just happening to glance out of the window, noticed that the wheels were gone. The bout was suspended whilst the three participants scoured the area looking for clues that would lead them to the culprits.
Unfortunately the search came to nothing although suspicion was aroused at the twitching of curtains at a nearby flat. Brave D considered a confrontation but, fearing such an act could result in his greatself being stabbed in the heart, stepped down off his high horse. The naked frame was brought in from the cold and, as of 25th of January, is still waiting to be picked up by the vinegary-toed one.
The bout resumed under a cloud of sombreness. The neutral observer could say this was the root of Phwil's poor showing but, looking back at past bouts, this is a nonsensical claim.
Further suspicion has since fallen upon the two fiends seen "larking about" (© old man Dood) shortly after the man with two phones' arrival and customary "Ello Cock" greeting.
AQA suggests that the culprit was known to Phwilly who was said to have 'cried for hours' upon learning of the theft of said wheels.
The Return of the King (Raven reigns supreme once again)[edit | edit source]
25 January, 2007 - There was a hint of peppercorn sauce in the air as Esq, the inspiration behind the MGT, entered the arena of The Mouflon for the second bout of the Mrs Goggins Trophy (In Memory of Kröt's Claude Butler wheels "We hardly Knew Ye").
Would Dood retain his crown or would Raven recapture the form that led him to remain undefeated in all bouts encompassing the previous incarnation of Pro Evo, or would Esq leave the Mouflon with the much-coveted trophy? One thing for sure was Esq would put up more of a fight than Phwil two days prior, but no-one could have predicted the drama that would unfold during the final game of the evening...
With only lime cordial on offer, Esq thanked his lucky stars that he had provided his own beverage and so the games commenced, following the same thrice-times format used in the previous tournoi.
Raven's trademark laidback manner appeared to be his undoing in the opening bout as Esq's AC Milan managed to squeeze out a 2-2 draw against Manchester United. Reigning champ Dood then stepped up to the plate but was brushed aside 2-0 by Raven as D's Arsenal ended the game with 8 players on the pitch. The final game of 'Nearly Times' saw Esq's notoriously weak defence torn apart in a 3-2 defeat to D.
Esq's defensive frailty was exposed further in the first game of 'Almost Times' as a rampant Raven blasted four past the hapless Goggins lookalike in an emphatic 4-2 victory, including a last minute penalty scored by goaltender, and Mirkin clone, Edwin van Der Sar. The next game 'twixt D and Raven saw the tables turned as it was the Red Devils turn to cause the referee to see red. Despite playing with 10 men for most of the game Raven was heading for a famous 2-1 win to clinch the trophy only for D to equalise with minutes to spare. The title was still wide open, and D still had a chance to snatch the cup from under Raven's nose despite a 1-1 bore draw with Esq to end the 'Almost Times' round.
After a 1-0 victory over Esq in the first game of the 'Times' round courtesy of Rooney's sweet right foot via the inside of the post in the 85th minute, Raven needed only a draw against D to secure the MGT and once again reign supreme at The Mouflon. Raven's title quest was never in doubt as he ran home 2-1 winners against a lacklustre Arsenal.
That left D and Esq to fight it out for the runners-up spot - one that, on previous form, D would secure, or so he thought...
With D looking set to consign Esq to the wooden spoon after taking a 2-0 lead what can only be described as lunacy set in on the part of D as not one, not two, not three, but four of his players saw red with 20 minutes left. This put the game on a knife-edge as one more sending off and D would automatically lose the game 3-0 - relegating him to the bottom of the pile as Esq only needed to win by a goal. But with the clock on 90 minutes, and D still 2-0 up, time was against Esq. Incredibly, and three injury-time goals later courtesy of a non-existant back four in the Arsenal team, Esq came out victorious in a thrilling 3-2 win, encompassing perhaps the finest comeback ever witnessed, to send the reigning champion to last place on the leaderboard. This caused the presumptious, and new champ, Raven to tear up his finely-crafted final table and restore Esq to his rightful runners-up position.
After his dreadful performance at the back, and equally unconvincing display upfront all eve, Esq is contemplating changing teams. Whether or not the MGT board will allow such a move will be put to a vote at the next bout.
D went to bed livid.
The Curse of the MGT - poor Phwilly Om[edit | edit source]
Indood, things just keeping getting worse and worse for the tubby one. After suffering the indignity of having his 'wheels' stolen from underneath his nose (the framework is still, D notes, propped up at The Mouflon. The bespectacled one and Miss Raven are seriously considering 'pimping' it up into the mother of all Penny Farthings. Pics to follow...), he went and purchased a brand spanking new one.
However, days later, further misery was heaped on the vinegary one. Whilst peddling as fast as his little chubby legs would go to Auberge, Norwich's culinary equivalent of Oxfam, he hit an irksome wet patch of road when going round a corner, lost control of his back wheel and hit the floor, in his own words, "hard", fracturing his wrist and suffering severe bruising. Currently bedridden, it is not known if dear Phwil will ever be able to particpate in a bout again. Upon hearing of this news, the other three MGT founding fathers dispatched a glazed ham and pearl necklace to help keep his spirits up. It is alleged that wicked spinster Althe intercepted the goodwill parcel and tried to inseminate herself with the necklace, foul sow.
It is worth noting that had Phwilly perished in this most loathsome of accidents, the MGT would of considered renaming the trophy after their dear friend. After recent events, the MGT competition has been suspended until further notice.
The Fat Ronnie Controversy[edit | edit source]
Prior to the bout on the eve of the 25th of January (the date which, as loyal followers will remember all too well, the veteran-looking Esq snatched second-place and broke D's heart in stoppage times), said veteran, aided by Raven, edited AC Milan's team to include Massimo Oddo and Ronaldo who, apparently, had both signed for the team. Not questioning Esq's second-to-none-Italian-yocker-knowledge, the deal was sanctioned post-haste. The bout came and went, Ronaldo struck a winner or thrice, D went to bed v angry, the Uncyclopedia page was updated and so forth.
However, on Tuesday the 30th of January, AC Milan announced they had signed Ronaldo from Real Madrid just a few days before the January transfer window snapped shut. D noted this news with great interest... If the chubby, fading Brazilian had only then been transferred, D endured the sickening realisation that Esq, with his wicked deceit, had led the other two participants that night up the garden path to allow this transfer to go-ahead a week before the actual move. D is confident that had said move not taken place, his Gunners side would have quite easily claimed second place, dumping the putrid Milan to the bottom of the pile. Esq, you are no better than that other corrupt swine in Milan, Berlusconi.
Legal proceedings are underway to try and strike this bout from the record books.
Ronaldo Scandal ruling[edit | edit source]
As co-host and reigning MGT champion, Raven was installed as judge and jury to preside over the case of D vs Esq surrounding the Ronaldo to Milan transfer saga.
At a courtroom in Geneva, Raven issued the following ruling:
"As Ronaldo is portrayed on Pro Evo as overweight, cumbersome and far inferior to any of the other strikers on the books at AC Milan, it has been decided by the MGT court that no advantage was gained by Esq playing the goofy Brazilian, thus all results stand."
After appealing the decision, D was told to "Go suck a lemon" by Judge Raven as he wielded his axe of power with considerable authoritah.
D stormed out of the courthouse and went to bed livid.
Thrice times[edit | edit source]
Indood, Tuesday 10th July heralded the third bout in the MGT's history. The bout was particularly memorable for four reasons. 1. It was the first contest where all the founding fathers of the MGT were in attendance; 2. 'Twas the first bout to ever be held at Dodi's new abode; 3. The game was to be played on the fabled PS3 for the first time and thus wireless action was going to be enjoyed (until daft Dandy realised two of the three pads weren't charged and thus one competitor always had to be near the TV, 'plugged in') & 4. The host had a plethora of beverages on offer (alcoholic and soft - no expense spared!) which made up for the debacle that was the second bout when all Dodi had to offer was own-brand Lime Cordial and the disgruntled Esq was forced to supply his own drink.
First things first, and all relevant transfer activity was made to mimic real life transactions. Ronaldo, Oddo to Milan, Torres to Liverpool (who were renamed 'Phwilly Cock' for one night only), Hargreaves Nani, Anderson and, controversially, Tevez to Manchester United. D was incensed at this presumptuousness to sign the Argentinian neanderthal (opening up old wounds caused by Esq's Ronaldo incident months back) and his fury was further confounded when he realised Arsenal had bought sweet fuck all and sold their best player, Henry.
The competitors long break from the MGT showed as the first few fixtures encompassed uninspired and dull play. Phwil, in particular, might as well had been in a coma for all the enthusiasm he was showing. A dirty protest from Esq in the downstairs shittere and constant eggo parping from all and sundry matched the rotten stench that the gameplay was oozing. ln the opening fixture, Raven easily despatched of Phwil 2-0 and was never seriously troubled by the vinegar-toed one. Esq held Dodo to a poor 0-0 bore draw before easing past Om 1-0. In what was the plum tie of the 'Nearly Times' fixture list, Raven demolished Dood 4-0 who, to be fair, had a brace of players sent off and was still smarting at not having his former best player. Oddly enough, the bespectacled one plumped for Mart Poom as his starting goaltender which can't have helped his cause one bit. Dood's red card flurry continued into the next game with the stout Schil. A goal up and seemingly coasting, Dood then received four straight red cards. Phwil had approximately 10 clear cut breakaway chances and couldn't convert either until D's luck ran out and Phwil cooly slotted a low drive past the advancing Poom in the dying minutes, Incredibly, straight from the kickoff, Dodi went up the other end and scored, resulting in an extraordinary, if somewhat fortunate, 2-1 victory. The first round of fixtures concluded with Esq recording an outstanding 2-0 victory over Raven, sending the ever-greying one to the top of the pile with 7 points.
Raven resumed normal service by beating Lord Hoggington 2-0 (ending, mathematically, his title chances) and Dodi narrowly defeated Goggins to make the championship race wide open. Outrageously though, Goggins pissed away two vital points as Phwil held him to a 1-1 tie. This in turn led to Esq launching an unprecedented verbal attack on the rotund one, livid that he seemingly upped his game against him and not anybody else. Phwil, in dulcet tones, mumbled 'Shit happens' then continued his vicious one-man assault on the Tangy Cheese Doritos.
Dood and Raven played out a thrilling 2-2 draw with both teams having ample opportunity to finish the other but Messrs. Poom and Mirkin Van Der Saar were in inspired form. Dood then defeated Phwil 3-1 (the consolation being a last minute penalty which wasn't deserved) to leave it all down to the final fixture. Dood, with his fixtures complete, had 11 points, Raven trailed with 10 and Esq with 8 (Phwil's absymal tally does not warrant a mention). Esq once again launched into a foul tirade at Phwil, claiming no effort whatsoever was being given by the Auberge pie mixer. Harsh as it was, it was hard to disagree. Maybe Om was downheartened at not being able to receive his regular multitude of text messages due to faltering reception at the former RAF base. In the final fixture of 'Times', a Raven win or draw would ensure his second trophy capture in row whereas an Esq win would send him level on points with the Tenacious one and the title going down to goal difference. As it was, Esq succumbed to a pretty poor 2-0 reverse (probably as all his energy had been sapped by bellowing at Sir Oink) and Raven was presented with The Mrs Goggins Trophy for the second time in his illustrious career.
Controversy[edit | edit source]
A case has been raised by the veteran Esq that Phwilly's lack of effort and enthusiasm at the much fabled MGT bouts is an absolute bloody disgrace and should be looked into. One option is for Phwilly to be relegated from the MGT leaving the other three competitors to fight amongst themselves. Phwil would then join the lower 'Cock Shaped Soap in association with Shyla's Jurassic Park Flip Flops Liga' playing computer controlled teams in a separate room on his own with a 5" black and white TV. Even if he won promotion back to the MGT, he would be denied entry again for, well, shambolic foulness.
Another issue the Trophy administration is looking into is the fact Goggins disgracefully had a bowel movement 'brewing' all day, waiting to unleash it on the kind Dowdy's lavatory. A possible points deduction could ensue. Watch this space...
May the Fourth Be With You[edit | edit source]
At 7.20pm on Tuesday, August 21 the MGT board held a press conference at Dog Lane to announce the fourth MGT Bout in honour of the late Jeroen Boere. Majority shareholders D and Raven also announced that at the recent MGT AGM it was decided that if the terrible Phwil was to put in a performance as inept as bouts prior then a vote would be cast amongst competitors as to whether or not Phwil should be 'om'itted from the tournoi as his shit play has led to falling attendances.
Earlier in the day Raven received word from D that AQA had announced the betting form for tonight's competition and the bookies went with the unstoppable Raven to once again reign supreme. Should Raven secure the crown thrice times he'll be only two bouts away from an incredible 5 wins and thus eligible to keep the MGT. Should this occur then a new trophy will have to be forged - the current frontrunner is a bronze figurine depicting yet another Esq lookalike - Steve Coogan's comedy character Saxondale.
As the compeititors made their way across the windswept Norfolk countryside to the former RAF base, with D regaling Raven with tales of nearly-flat tyres and jay-walking snowy owls, so the fourth MGT bout was upon us.
After the regular late arrival of Phwil, and the equally-tardy Esq, so the tournament kicked off, but not before the diminshing of D's Arsenal squad in accordance with current teamsheets. A glitch in the high-tech next-gen PS3 meant that all player changes had to be entered twice as the Sony console flidded out Commodore 64 style. The laxadaisacal Om was crestfallen to note a lack of tangy cheesy snacky treats so proceeded to feast on his own jumper - greedy Phwil.
Reigning two-times champion Raven and regular wooden spoon recipient Om were first up to the plate. With the dark cloud of expulsion from the MGT hanging over Phwil's head, the Doritos devourer did little to help his cause by losing 3-0 to the mighty Raven. Although there was little surprise in the scoreline, more shock was expressed at the fact that not once did van Der Sar touch the ball in the whole game - Raven's shots numbered 25 to Phwil's 0 - a stat never before garnered on any version of Pro Evo, let alone the latest version. The game was lit up by two fabulous strikes in the second half - first Rooney curled a placed shot past Reina from fully 25 yards before a masterclass in one-touch football was out on display as four of Raven's players tore Phwilly's Liverpool apart before Tevez volleyed home from 20 yards - never before has 'goal of the tournoi' arrived so early.
Events then took an unusual twist as Phwil received a phonecall regarding his inflatable hot tub - prompting a quizzical glance 'twixt Raven and D - but apparently such a device does exist....
Dood then defeated Esq in a 3-2 humdinger before Esq bolstered his goal difference column by putting four past the wretched Om with the hot tub owner replying with only a solitary goal - one of only three he would score all eve.
Raven then saw off D 1-0 and Saxondale 2-0 to head into nearly times with maximum points and no goals against - a successful defence looked inevitable. That was until the PS3 threw a spanner into the works by plotting Raven against Phwilly on a snowy surface with an orange ball - Raven's Achilles' heel. Despite being at a visual disadvantage Raven triumphed against an eleven-men-behind-the-ball Om.
With the remaining games providing little in the way of entertainment, talk soon turned to those halcyon days spent at Blyth Jex High School with many freaks remembered. One such oddity was Bryce Mate, aka Paul Mackereth, the plagarizing albino Australian who claimed to come from the land Down Under but was as white as a sheet (and he also made false teeth). A search for the whereabouts of said Antipodean footballing great on Facebook proved fruitless and his existance remains a mystery even to this day.
D snatched a lucky 1-0 victory against Raven with a controversial offside goal - all this after Raven had struck the woodwork five times. This result created a scenario whereby the final fixture 'twixt Raven and Esq actually meant something. If the rock god was victorious then the title would go down to goal difference with Raven, D and Esq all finishing on 12 points. Such a mathematical nightmare never came to fruition as Raven put on a perfect display of possession football and sealed the game, and the title, with a single goal to finish on 15 points.
After another dismal performance from Esq the idea of him transferring teams was mooted. The Saxondale one neglected to mention that his team were the current European champions and as it stands no team changes have occured, nor can they til the transfer window re-opens in January.
As the visitors to the garrison town made their way home after witnessing yet another Raven triumph, conversation turned to Phwilly's inflatable hot tub and whether he would be taking a dip once he got home just after midnight. He said No...
Halloween Five-Ooooh[edit | edit source]
The fifth bout has been pencilled in for October 30 with the new version of Pro Evo being used. With none of the contestants having played it the trophy could be anyone's, even Phwilly's. Is Raven's vice-like grip and 276-day reign of the trophy about to come to an end?
Fearing having to give the trophy to a new home, Raven invested in a PS3 and PES 2008 to get in some practice because, as we all know, failing to prepare is preparing to fail.
An hour before the scheduled bout, an emergency call was received from Raven who declared that he would have to pull out of the bout due to an irk with his ankle. On outrageous assumption that poor Raven would perish this fateful eve, the bout was given the subtitle of 'In Loving Memory of Dearest Raven, We Hardly Knew 'Ye'. Sentiment was then thrown out of the window as the three-man bout commenced...
First up was Esq taking on the regular whipping-boy, Schilt. Could this bout be the one that Phwil took by the horns and finally recorded a half decent finish? Hmm... Frankly, no. Esq knocked five past the helpless Phwil who did, to be fair, manage a solitary consolation. Colonel Jumbo was then obliterated 4-0 by the bespectacled Dodi and to end the 'Nearly Times' sections, Esq and Dodi played out a tenacious 1-1 draw.
The ' Almost Times' section of the bout proved to be a much closer affair. Phwil fought bravely and narrowly went down 2-1 to Esq and then, much to the host's utter contempt and disgust, held him to a 1-1 draw. So livid was he, Dodi was tempted to boot out the fiend into the darkness on the former military base. Dodi did however hold Esq to a 2-2 draw thus ensuring the latter was in pole position for the juicy final section of the eve's bout - 'Times'.
Shockingly, Phwil's good form continued and he managed to hold Esq to a 2-2 tie. With Dodi dispatching of Schwilly 2-1, the whole eve rested on the final fixture - Esq and Dodi. Would Dodi scoop his third trophy or would Esq finally step up and claim the prize that he has craved for so long... A single goal was all that separated the pair on goal difference, in Dodi's favour, thus the scene was set. Alas, for such an important one the game was quite a flat affair. Dodi ran out a 2-0 winner, Esq never really got started and was left rue his finest chance of getting his hands on the Goggins since the conception of the trophy. The eve was concluded with the knowledge that Raven hadn't perished (all the breast lad!) and on a lighter note, Phwil scored six times - bloody 'ell woman!!!
6ix-tastic[edit | edit source]
The sixth bout in the Goggins illustrious history was an absolute corker... oof, well let's not get too excited, but it ruddy well was! Raven was again absent (this stoked up a minor controversy as after the event Raven was livid that he wasn't informed of this bout but Dodi was adamant that when he had initially extended the invitation, Raven said he was working). Anyway, the eve started in an unusual fashion with the host, Dodi, having to hitch a lift with Esq from the train station after the cambelt on his filthy, wretched 1998 Clio Biarritz had perished two days prior. What with losing his job as well, a bout win would surely be the perfect tonic...
The bout commenced in a fairly obvious fashion with both Esq and Dodi dispatching of a truly rotten Om 2-0. However, Esq obliterated poor Dodi 4-1, putting himself in a dandy position to claim his first Goggins trophy.
The centre portion of the bout, 'Almost Times', heralded another two shockingly dreadful performances from Phwilly - a 4-0 defeat to Esq and a 7-0 reverse to Dodi. With Om's goal difference nearing meltdown, Esq and Dodi took their places for their make-or-break fixture. An Esq win would have surely sent him on his way to his first trophy but Dodi, recovering from his humiliating defeat in the previous round, fought out a 1-1 draw, keeping his title aspirations alive. Whilst Esq and Dodi were fighting it out for the trophy, Phwil had his own personal battle - could he score a fucking goal??!
Well, the answer to that was a resounding 'NO' as he went down 4-0 to Esq and then by a solitary goal to Dodi (the Google-eyed kid was livid at this result and, if memory serves, kept punching his leg until he couldn't feel it any more). Truly rotten. Never before in a bout had a competitor not scored a single goal and this further enhanced the motion that Phwil should be banished from the Goggins forever. Bye cock indeed.
Still in with a shot of the title, albeit a very slim shot, Dodi was truly hampered by the 4-1 loss to Esq in the first round. A swift tot-up of the goal differences and it was found that to stop Esq from claiming his first contest, Dodi would have to win by six clear goals. The impossibility stakes were truly raised when Esq seized on a now-customary goalkeeping blooper in the opening minutes to take a 1-0 lead. Now seven would have to be scored! Dodi managed to score a quick-fire pair, sandwiched 'twixt a Pirlo red card, as the teams went in at the break. As Dodi gave his team the hairdryer treatment and a damn good slap apiece, the reality was that his boys had to score five unanswered past Esq's 10-man Milan. Thus, the second half started and Dodi quickly struck a pair of speculative efforts to make it 4-1. A tap in made it 5-1 and then Milan were reduced to 9 men with a shocking challenge and the converted penalty made it 6-1. Astonishing! Both competitors and even Phwilly could hardly believe what was occurring and the comeback was truly complete when Dodi struck a seventh. The whistle was blown and Esq was absolutely astonished whilst Dodi was cock-a-hoop . Better than cock-in mouth I suppose (thanks to Raven for that little gem). In no uncertain terms, this was one of the finest games ever witnessed.
Esq's misery was further compounded when he realised he had to give the gloating shit a lift back into the city. To make matters worse, whilst the journey was well under way, Phwilly realised he had left his phone at the former RAF base. Thus, Esq had to turn his wagon around and go all the way back to enable Phwilly to collect said electronic device.
7eventh Heaven[edit | edit source]
'Twas the Eighteenth of December and the four founding fathers of the MGT arrived at Chez Dood for a truly festive bout. The tree was adorned with multi-coloured lights and absurdly heavy Dodi-designed Narnia decorations and Raven was laden with a personalised cracker for for each competitor and premium Mr Kipling deep fill mince pies and miniature Cadbury chocolate logs (with a light sugar dusting - nice touch!). Gaudy paper hats were donned, snacks were snaffled, beverages were supped and thus the bout began...
Still livid at the shocking end to the bout the previous month, Esq had a score to settle with Dandy and didn't disappoint as the host crumbled to a 4-1 loss. Raven made easy work of Phwil, 3-1, who, you will note, broke his awful goal scoring duck. The two early pacesetters, Esq and Raven, ground out a 2-2 draw and Dodi clinically saw off Krot 3-0. However, Dodi's mini revival came to an abrupt end as he was dispatched of by Raven, 2-1 and Esq continued his good work with a 3-1 defeat of the shelled toad.
Dodi was most certainly not out of it though. After shovelling a couple of chocolate logs in his gob, the second portion of fixtures saw him undeservedly beat Esq 3-2, scoring a last minute winner when he had been under the cosh almost all of the game. Raven saw off Phwil 1-0 (in a much-improved performance from the Friar) making the top of the table his own. However, as loyal followers of the MGT will know, you just never know what is round the corner... and this was true to form when Esq thumped Raven 4-1, replacing him at the top of the pile.
Phwil shocked everybody by holding Dodi to a 1-1 draw, securing his first point in two whole bouts. Dodi was out of the title equation at this point anyway but nevertheless, and true to form, he promptly struck himself out of fury, whacking the wireless controller against his forehead. The host's rotten form continued with a weak 2-0 loss to Raven.
However, with a far superior goal difference, all Esq had to do to finish above Raven and claim his first Goggins victory was to beat Phwilly. On previous form, an easy proposition you would say. However, to give him his dues, Phwilly fought bravely (and consequently has earned himself a couple more bouts to prove himself in) but alas went down to Esq, 2-1.
Thus, Esq was made winner of The Mrs Goggins Trophy for the first time in its history, ahead of Raven on goal difference. Of course he'll deny it but I'm sure a tear was shed by his self, nestling in an unkempt tuft of facial hair. But what will the New Year bring? Will Esq's first victory increase his appetite to create a dynasty or will Dodi or Raven snaffle the prize again? Or, dare I say, will... actually, no, that will never happen! Festive wishes to all!!
An interesting thing to note is that Raven had sent a customary text message to question and answer service AQA, enquiring who would win the bout but, due to dreadful mobile reception at the former RAF base, a reply wasn't garnered until reception was obtained en route back to Norwich. Guess what the response was.... "AQA believes that Esq will finally be successful in the festive Pro Evo competition. It's his time to shine!" Spooky, eh ducks?!
Chez Phwil, Two Thousand and 8ight[edit | edit source]
The next bout will herald two firsts - the first bout to be held in 2008 and, more interestingly, the first bout to be at Chez Phwil. What will happen? God only knows but one thing's for sure, you'll read about it here first. (well, probably two months after the actual event due to Dandy's shockingly tardy typing-up of reports!)
AQA sent the following pre-bout prediction: "AQA believes that Raven will reign supreme in tonight's Pro Evo competition. Raven's secret practise games and tactic research will finally pay off."
A new year, a new bout and chief reporter Dodi has turned over a new leaf by penning the bout report the day after the event - incredible! The aforementioned bespectacled one and Raven arrived first at Sarah Phwilliman Close to be greeted by a bleedin' house full. Phwilly Junior was trying to escape from a brightly coloured mesh fortress, a pirate ship was being built and remarks were being fired around that Dandy and Krot were brothers... Oof, no!! Dodi fired in a cheeky comment - "well, we've both got paunches" which brought the house down, particularly well received by the guffawing in-laws. The tardy Esq, as per regular, was a full half hour late and it is also worth noting here that the MGT competitors discovered on this particular eve that Phwilly had proposed to his fancy six months prior. Livid at being left in the dark about this particular announcement, it was decreed that our forgiveness should be won with multiple packs of Discos. Nice one sirrah!
By and by, family Krot were booted out into the cold to allow room for the 'founding four' to flex their Pro Evo muscles (hmm...) and Raven almost fell off the plush settee when he caught a glimpse of the mambo 50" screen. Here was an interesting scenario - Phwilly could well have an advantage by being used to playing on such a whopper. After all, the other three could only afford Matsui branded 12" TV/VHS Combis. How the other half live... It certainly seemed a possibility that Phwil could be a contender when he snatched a last minute equaliser against Raven in the first match of the eve, a 1-1 draw. Raven, as you would expect, had most of the play but Phwill did look unusually dangerous at certain times of the game, be it a deft chip or cheeky back heel. It was after this game that it was noted that the joypad used by Player One was "a bit dingy" - i.e. X button didn't work, the sticks worn down to a nub . This became a constant irk all eve and at one point, Dodi did bark at Schilt to get on his bike (not locked initially, silly!) and purchase another at Comet if it was still open. This request was refused. Lazy shit.
The following game, comprising of Dandy and Goggins, had a moment of deja vu as the former committed a now obligatory goalkeeping blooter to hand the latter a 1-0 lead. Phwil's brother managed to get an equaliser with a deft header from the wily Walcott and with Esq then having the dirty Nesta sent off it looked as if it could be his day. However, switching to his regular 'all out attack' to finish off the fiend, Dodi left himself exposed at the back for Esq to snatch an unlikely winner.
Any hopes the greying veteran had about running away with his second Goggins on the trot were rudely dashed when Raven defeated him 3-1, a scoreline mimicked in the following contest 'twixt the Brothers Om (obviously in Dandy's favour although, truth be told, the vinegary one did have, for the second game running, a fair amount of the play). However, the Krot of old made an appearance in the next game, going down 4-1 to the current champion. Seemingly, the fat cunt of a screen didn't give him that much of an advantage... Raven was shocked not once but twice in the final fixture of 'Nearly Times' - once when Dodi came from a goal down to snatch an unlikely 2-1 victory after a trademark 'long ball down the pitch' cooly finished by luminous green-booted Emmanuel Adebayor. The second shock was when Phwil's dog escaped from his kitchen nook and pounced on him. Fortunately no injury was sustained but the general consensus was that the mangy mutt stank to high heaven. Dirty bitch.
The 'half time' break enabled beverages to be served, tinkles to be enjoyed (no 'muting' thank you!) and Clio Biarritz's to be checked for fear of them being unlocked. Raven also took time out, pretending to be a cat, to woo the wretched dog back into it's kitchen bed. It worked, and thus the 'Times' section began.
The old Phwilly was well and truly back in the building, being hit for six by Raven, literally. Oh Phwilly... To make matters worse, Raven scored one of his outrageous 70 yard bloomers that sailed over poor Pepe Reina's balding pate. Esq then narrowly defeated Dodi to keep his title aspirations on track. Dandy was most certainly not happy and bizarrely kept muttering 'boxset' all fucking eve. Raven also maintained his title hopes with a sturdy 3-1 victory over Esq. It was the return game 'twixt the Brothers Om that had everybody talking though. Phwil, playing delightfully, took a 1-0 lead in at half time only for Dodi to level up midway through the second half. Phwil had chance after chance to move ahead but was brutally raped and left with a 'gaper' at the death when a slick through ball paved the way for Arsenal to strike a last minute winner. Suddenly, Dodi was back in the trophy hunt but would have to fend off Raven in the final fixture... Before that though, Esq was incredibly lucky to see off the ever improving Krot 1-0 to leave his total points haul at a respectable 12 with a +2 goal difference. Raven had 10 points and Dandy 9 (with a +2 goal difference only). A point would not be enough for Raven or Dodi to overhaul Esq thus a win would need to be recorded by one of them to scoop top spot. The game started at a frenetic pace and Raven took a 1-0 lead. Dodo was soon back on level terms though but ultimately, and disappointingly, succumbed to two poor goals to lose 3-1. Raven was overjoyed. Esq was livid that Dodi had rolled over so weakly. Dodi kept repeating 'boxset'. Phwilly was astride the rocking horse. What a night!
To round off the eve, on his way home, Dodi narrowly avoided a fox darting across the North Walsham Road. Fascinating.
Chez Phwil, Dressed to the 9ines[edit | edit source]
After hosting a bout that passed with little incident, Phwil decided to hastily arrange another bout at Phwillyman and soon fired off texts to all and sundry. And so it came to pass that the ninth MGT bout would take place on the 28th day of 2008.
Pre-match betting from AQA garned a two-for-one response:
"Raven and Phwil are clearly the two best Pro Evo players and as the weeks go by they will share the title as best player in the group of friends"
"Raven will once again come out on top in Monday's Pro Evo competition. The reigning champ will beat the amiable host Phwil in a final tense match."
Both texts, I'm sure you'll agree, are absurd - Phwil to challenge? Phwil amiable? Nonsense! Although one can only agree with the prediction that Raven will come out on top again.
With hospitality kindly provided by Krot Inc® once more, the evening kicked off with, according to the aforementioned nonsense from AQA, a match up 'twixt the two favourites: the host Entschuldigung and Raven. Tension was high between the pair as, much to Raven's disgust, Phwil had announced no tinnies were on offer (only fizzy pop and the cold cup of tea in the centre of the coffee table, still there from the previous bout). What an opening game though! The pair fought out an outstanding 3-3 draw - a fantastic advertisement for the Goggins with it's much publicised dwindling support. Tenacious lived up to his name with a hard fought 3-2 win over the grizzled Esq in the second game and then ground out an equally tenacious bore draw with Raven. Any hopes Krot had of building on his first performance of the eve were brutally violated and tossed aside as Esq pounded him 4-0. Esq then ruthlessly destroyed a below-par Raven 4-1 to leave him in a very strong position. Unbelievably, the dulcet host then carved out his second 3-3 of the night by bravely holding the bespectacled one. After such a humdinger of a 'Nearly Times' section, all of the competitor's (including longshot Phwil who had struck an outrageous glut of goals) were poised to mount a title charge in the second half of the night. Before that though, Disco's of various flavours and assorted soft drinks (poor show) were proferred to all and sundry and, oddly enough even though it was gone 10pm, Phwil Jr made an appearance and commenced to cause havoc in his mobile contraption on wheels, taking poor Dodi's keys, jangling them around and then dragging discarded empty Disco's packets around the room.
In the 'Times' segment of the eve, normal service was resumed for Raven as he clinically despatched of the dreadful Scrote 4-0 and Esq and Dodi played out a tight 1-1 draw. Nothing could separate Dodi either when he faced Raven - 2-2 the result. A sturdy 4-0 thumping of Krot ensured the wily Gummidge was in pole position to clinch his third Goggins. With his final game against Raven, he had to draw to ensure nobody could catch him. Unusually, he calmly held his nerve and played out a thrilling 2-2 tie. The final contest 'twixt Dood and Mr Porky proved an anti-climax to the eve with the score an even 1-1. The draw ensured Dowdy leapfrogged Raven to claim the second place as his own. As for the winner, regular photographs were taken and name scribed on the trusty trophy. The competitors made their way home and that was that... Or so they thought...
By the time the kindly Dowdy had dropped Raven off (via a thrilling journey up Gas Hill no less) and toodled back to the former RAF base, it was just gone midnight. Absurd he thought as he headed for bed. However, whilst setting out his things for the next day, he fumbled around for his wallet to no avail. Thinking he may have dropped it in his wretched Biarritz, he braved the wintry night and had a gander outside. Nothing. Growing more and more concerned, Dowdy fired in an emergency text message to Schildkrot requesting he take a look around Williman and the surrounding area. A to-the-point and, frankly, rude reply tells Dowdy that it is not there - "Sorry!" which prompts Dodi into ringing the fiend up, asking him to look more carefully in the various nooks in his front room, up shittere etc. Lo and behold, the Diesel-branded item is discovered down the sofa - hidden by the thieving Junior Scrote D deduces. Realising he urgently needs petrol in the morn, a knackered Dodo decides to make the daft 20 mile round dash to Phwillyman Close to retrieve said artifact. And so, the item is collected and Dodi heads back to his abode. The night, ney, morning, can't get any worse can it for the Kindly one? Of course it fucking can - it slaps him around his face with a big fucking kipper as he gets caught by the speed camera at the bottom of Grapes Hill. 'Die, die, die" D exclaims as the night sky lights up with the fucking flash. Shaken up, he spends all night worrying about this shocking development secretly thinking it was Schilly Jr's agenda all the time. Fanciful and a tad cruel suggestion you may think loyal Goggin's follower but D is sticking by his guns... Next time he's at Phwil's, he's going to shit in his offspring's mesh fortress... Dirty boy!
[edit | edit source]
Still seething about the after hours shennanigans at Chez Scrote last bout, Dodi hastily ensured the next contest would be at his humble abode and not at Phwilliman Close.
After all, they steal your wallets there. Oooof! Sadly, Raven was unable to attend as he was busy wooing Althe in a candlelight scenario at Auberge (no doubt hoping for 'a little bit more' afterwards! Naughty).
Poignantly dedicated to the veteran actor, Roy Schneider (dead), the bout kicked off with a match up between Phwil and current holder of the Mrs Goggins Trophy - Esq. The former fought bravely but the latter kept up his good form from the previous week with a handsome 3-1 victory. What happened next was potentially the most shocking occurrence ever in the Goggins illustrious history - in a game between Krot and Dowdy. The google-eyed kid peppered his opponent's goal in the first half (something bloody insane like 20 shots to 0) but went in at half time, honours even, at 0-0. As the teams returned after the break, Dowdy's Arsenal had switched to their regular 'all-out-attack', certain the lacklustre Scrote was there for the taking. What followed though will be talked about for years to come... The wretched Phwil turned on the style like never before and spanked the shell-shocked D thrice-zilch!!! Esq's reaction to this result said it all, holding his head in his hands for a full 10 minutes. Phwil, however, was ecstatic - stripping off and doing a celebratory jig, á la kerb crawler David Pleat, down the now defunct airbase runway. Esq held the confidence-shy Dowdy to a low-key 1-1 draw to leave the host rooted to the bottom o' table after a third of the tournai played.
The second portion, 'Nearly Times' started like the first with Esq destroying Krot (back from his jig) 3-0. However, D's misery continued as, despite trying every trick in the book, could not find a way past his now-nemesis Schilt and had to settle for a 1-1 tie. Esq continued the trend of leaving D winless as the result of a 2-2 draw. With one set of fixtures remaining and with the Kettle Honey Barbecue crisps taking one hell of a beating, it looked a distinct possibility that Dowdy, on his present form, could well finish bottom o' pile. To note, Phwil had never finished anywhere other than bottom and to think of a second placed finish didn't bear thinking about. However, a keenly fought 2-2 thriller with the unkempt Esq suddenly made Krot's dream a distinct possibility. To avoid finishing bottom, D had to start winning... and fast. Alas, Phwil wasn't going to hand it to him on a platter and D had to scrap just to rescue a point. Obscene! With the fact that Esq had won the contest with a game to go (currently on 9 points), Phwil was in pole position to scoop the runner up position with a handsome 6 points (his finest haul to date). Dodi had 4 points going into his final game with Esq and nothing else but a win would suffice as he fought to salvage the evening. Alas, it wasn't to be. The down-on-his-luck host slumped to a miserable 1-0 reverse, ensuring he finished bottom without a single fucking win. Phwil, joyous at his fantastic finish, booked an open top bus to celebrate his achievements that paraded his good self around Cardiganshire, culminating in a heroes welcome at Phwilliman Close. Dodi was distraught. Had this of happened in the week at the tail end of '07 when he lost his job and his cambelt bust, he has no doubt that he would of flung himself in front of the Bure Valley railway. Likely result: shitty train is stopped by his girth and tips over. All in all a truly memorable bout, and hardly a mention of a boxset...
Seven or 11leven? Kevin![edit | edit source]
In the now customary text message garnai from AQA, the prediction was as follows: 'Dowdy will win the Pro Evo match at Chez Dood tomorrow. He will get lucky several times, through 'keeper errors, but will win nonetheless'. Hmm... a tad fanciful methinks going by his foul, churlish performance last time out.
'Twas the Eighteenth of March 2008 when Dowd, Raven, Esq and Schilt turned out for the eleventh Mrs Goggins Trophy matchup. Drinks aplenty (including a delightful 24-branded energy drink for dearest Raven) were dished out along with a plethora of luxurious snacks (the 'burgundy' flavoured Kettle Chips proved to be most interesting... Dodi just couldn't get his head round them: "burgundy's a colour ain't it?" mused the bespectacled one) and the first game of the eve saw the two-times reigning champion, Esq, rape the kind host 4-0. Raven, missing for the last bout I'm sure you'll recall, loyal Goggins follower, swiftly dispatched of Om, 2-0. This was particularly disappointing as much was expected from Phwil after his outrageous (and somewhat fortunate) heroics at the last meeting when he DIDN'T finish last. Fresh from his 4-0 thumping at the hands of Esq, Dowd picked himself, dusted himself down and carved out a cheeky 1-0 victory over Raven. F.W. de Krot put in a slightly better performance next, narrowly being pipped 2-1 by the confident Goggins. However, the reigning champion Esq came back down to earth with a bang after Raven trampled over him to take a 2-0 win. The 'Nearly Times' portion was complete when Dowd thumped poor Om (now fully confirmed as rotten again - and thus the cycle is complete) five goals to two.
With the bout at the halfway stage, the league table made interesting reading with Dood, Esq and Raven each on 6 punten. Phwil, alas, trailed with fuck all. Poor, lonesome Phwil. Dood continued his reasonably good form with a close-fought 3-2 win over Esq. Raven also took his tally to 9 points with a 3-0 humbling of Krot (now guaranteed bottom spot barring an almost impossible miracle). However, Raven upped the ante and underlined his title credentials with a confident 3-1 win over the kind host. Phwil continued his winless campaign, succumbing to a dreadful 5-1 defeat at the hands of the wily Goggins. And so it was, two games left and the table read as follows: Raven, 12pts, Esq, 9pts, Dowd, 9pts, Krot, nil point. The penultimate game, Raven v Esq had to finish in a defeat to Raven for anybody else to stand a chance of winning the gloriously hand-crafted trophy but it wasn't to be as Raven rolled over his rival 4-1, ensuring he became the first competitor to scoop the trophy five times. In the last game, Dodi had to win or least draw against Scrote to make the second place his own. Despite a nervy start where the wretched Om took an undeserved, against-the-run-of-play lead, D's class shone through and the game ended 3-1 in Dodi's favour. As the night came to a close, all talk was about Om and another 'no points garnered' showing. Unacceptable.
12welfth (Bout) Night[edit | edit source]
With dwindling support for The Mrs Goggins Trophy (possibly due to Phwil's god-damn-awful play), the contest underwent a radical identity change, being called solely 'The Goggins' (note the super-sleek, lens flare-aplenty livery).
The Random Generator® threw up a humdinger of a first match with Raven finally fending off Scrote 4-3 after it looked destined to end in a thrice-all tie. Kindly Dowd fended off his arch foe, Esq, with a score of 3-1 in the second tie of the eve and this was followed by guffawing aplenty as Esq spurted out a most impressive word: 'Clunge'. Repeated all night long, this word will no doubt be a staple every time a bout is contested. Following his defeat, Goggins fought remarkably to down Raven 2-1. Dowd seized on the chance to move top o' pile by narrowly defeating the lacklustre Schildkrot 1-0 (an administrative error by Esq originally recorded the result as a 1-0 Phwil win until D struck the fiend and made him amend said score on the parchment). His lead was extended when he defeated (poss against the run of play) Raven 3-2 and Esq thumped Om 4-1 to finish the 'Nearly Times' segment in second place, behind the unbeaten Dong.
The 'Times' section got off to a bang with Raven and Phwil enjoying another belter, the latter pushing the former all the way only to narrowly lose out 3-2. Esq was deeply engrossed in the Tesco Direct catalogue at this point (well, no titty mags in Dood's new abode you see) and was close to an impusle purchase of a Breville toaster until he was forced to leave the catalogue to one side to narrowly lose to still-unbeaten D. Subsequently in a mood, the veteran abandoned all plans for the outrageous Breville swoop and instead instigated a conversation regarding the putrid, bun-haired Rhoda Hagg and her remarkably fat fucking tats. This put him in good stead as he held Raven (not having his best of tournai's it has to be said) to a Desmond (2-2). Astonishingly, this result meant that, even with 3 games remaining, the kind host could not be caught. But... could he achieve a Goggins first and win all six of his fixtures? Well, the dream was kept alive with an easy, if somewhat dull, 2-0 victory over Endschuldigung (who, to be fair, was having a fair stab at the bout for a change) although a much stiffer challenge would be provided by Raven in his final fixture. Or so he thought. Instead, a woeful Raven was tossed aside and hammered 4-0 in the biggest defeat of the night. In the final game, Krot and Esq played out a highly entertaining, if somewhat pointless, 2-2 tie.
And so it was, Dodi scooped his fifth Goggins, winning all six games in a feat unequalled in any of the Goggins bouts. It was also worth noting that both Raven and Krot conceded 16 goals a piece. If the thirteenth bout is so laden with goals, then we'll be in for a real bleedin' treat I can tell ye! Breast wishes!
The 13hirteenth Goggins, unfucky for some...[edit | edit source]
Excitement precedes the matchup this eve (20/05/08) at the former RAF base as Dowd looks to retain his trophy (and winning streak) on his home turf. An early morning text message fired in to AQA gave us the following prediction... "In a Pro Evo tournament between Dowd, Raven, Esq and Endschuldigung, Dowd would retain his championship title.
When it comes to Pro Evo, Dowd is the master". Oof!! A lot of pressure on poor Dong who, no doubt as a result of such high expectations, will finish bottom o' pile without a single point on the board. Phwil's Liverpool were, for one night only, renamed 'Got my new bed' in homage to the bed that caused both him and Esq to be almost an hour and a half late last time round. Dowd also got in on the ol' customisation act with a rebrand of the famous Arsenal strip - namely his gurning mug splattered across the breast - with the glasses lens nestled nicely on each breast.
The kindly host had every opportunity to outline his intentions and keep the outrageous winning streak going when he was drawn with Phwil by the Random Generator® for the eve's first match-up. And he didn't disappoint, coming away from the opening fixture with a fulfilling 3-1 victory. Raven started solidly, with a hard fought 1-0 win over the wily veteran, Gog, and a 4-0 bashing of Om. Phwil's misery continued after another thrashing - 3-0 at the hands of Esq. To make things worse, two of the three goals were OG's. This evoked memories of the many times Om used to put past his own goaltender (normally D) when having a kick-a-bout down the park (and the many slaps on the back the livid D used to give poor Schilt as a result).
However, the eve was turned on it's head when 'whipping-boy' Oink outrageously violated Raven 4-1. Some would argue it was as a result of the normally trusty EVDS being sent off in the early stages but let's not too be hasty - the rotund pie-mixer deserves all the credit for a stirring (clever) performance (arguably his finest to date). The final fixture during Nearly Times saw Dodi raped at the death when Esq forced home a most undeserved leveller and the game ended 2 apiece. It was as the first section ended that Esq made a discovery in the downstairs shittere - namely the hose 'teat' that was inserted onto the cold tap. So enthralled was he at said artifact that a snap was duly taken and is shown here for all you loyal Goggins followers (right).
As the bout was nestled very near to the birthdays of Krot and Esq, Dodi promised copious amounts of salted snacks, jelly and ice cream at half time and the host didn't disappoint! Bacon Bites, Cheesy Poofs, Onion Rings, Cadbury's Animals, both orange AND strawberry jelly all on offer (what credit crunch?). Unfortunately, this resulted in bloated bellies all round (with the filthy, meaty Bacon Bites proving to be most unsavoury when belched up).
After his superb victory against Raven, Phwil started confidently against Dodi in the opening game of the 'Times' section but had to make do with a 1-1 tie. Raven quickly recovered from his shock loss to finish off Esq in a 3-2 dandy and squeeze past Dowd 1-0. These back to back victories ensured Raven was once again the recipient of the illustrious, handcrafted trophy. But who would finish second? Even Phwil was in with a shout - BLOODY 'ELL WOMAN!! His chances seemed a bit more realistic when he showed composure to fend off a wily Esq 3-2 but alas fell to Raven in his final game, 2-0 to finish the eve on a very respectable 7 points. With Dodi on a miserly 5 points and his bearded counterpart on an even worse 4 points, Phwil had a chance.... Alas, it was not to be as the pair shared a 10 goal bonanza - with Dodi running out a 6-4 winner. It wasn't all doom and gloom for the disheartened Om though, as he finished a full 3 points ahead of Esq.
Farewell to the Goggins - we hardly knew 'ye![edit | edit source]
24 Jun, 2008: Indeed, with dwindling support for the much-maligned competition, it was decided that the Goggins would be laid to rest after this eve's bout (oof, not Goggins himself to avoid confusion!) and a new competition would take it's place next time round.
BOUT REPORT AND PICTURES TO FOLLOW
The Return of the Goggins![edit | edit source]
5 Aug, 2008: Well bugger me... Oof, no! With dearest Althe being v ill, it was decided that the proposed new competition - 'The Cock Shaped Soap Tournai' complete with life size cock-shaped soap (with room to etch each winner on the veined shaft) - was bad taste even for the founding four and so was scrapped. Thus, it came to be, that the Goggins dusted her cheese toasty clunge down and was dragged out kicking and screaming from Dodi's office for her fifteenth appearance.
BOUT REPORT AND PICTURES TO FOLLOW
The Birthday Bout[edit | edit source]
2 Sep, 2008: BOUT REPORT AND PICTURES TO FOLLOW
The Bonfire Bout[edit | edit source]
5 Nov, 2008: Raven won again making it ten titles for the MGT god, and also became the second member of the 100% Club after winning six in six.
Dood scored only two goals all night, secured one point and became the first MGT participant to be doubled by Phwil.
No indoor fireworks alas. MORE IN-DEPTH REPORT AND PICTURES TO FOLLOW
The Festive Bout[edit | edit source]
9 Dec, 2008: BOUT REPORT AND PICTURES TO FOLLOW
The New Year Goggins - All the breast![edit | edit source]
And so it was, on a bitterly cold eve at the former RAF base (20th of January to be precise), the first bout of 2009 was upon us. A fine spread was prepared in honour of the 'founding four' - a mountain of bitesize sausage rolls and a selection of vol-au-vents (ooh, whatto!), filled with a delightfully creamy egg mayo (well, delightful only to Dodi it transpired as the greedy wretch devoured eight of them whilst the others sneared in disgust). Raven shocked all by announcing he would only be enjoying soft drinks or '24' endorsed energy beverages (alas not stocked lad!) so Dodi was cock-a -hoop (yes, yes, cock-in-mouth etc) that his well-stocked cellar of the finest Artois would remain in tact.
The Random Generator© threw up a cracker of a first bout (or so it seemed) in Dowd and Gog. Alas, it turned out to be a tepid affair which ended 1-1. Raven, with every intention of claiming back the trophy after D's win at Christmas, outlined his intentions with a 4-0 thumping of poor Phwil. The third outing of 'Nearly Times' 'twixt Raven and Dodi was a Humdinger®. The latter raced into a somewhat fortunate 2-0 lead. Raven pulled one back before half time and deservedly levelled just after the break. Disenchanted, Dood's grasp on the game slipped and Raven notched another with minutes to spare. All over surely, Schilt and Esq mused but Dodi, against all the odds, snatched an unlikely equaliser with Walcott ramming home in stoppage time. If you thought the game couldn't get any more enthralling... well... TITS OUT! as Raven went straight up the other end from kickoff, with seconds to go, and was brutally hauled down by the stupid fucking idiot Dowd in the penalty area. With tensions high (and D giving himself a dead leg out of frustration), the heroic Almunia defied all with a smart 'fall-over-backwards' stop to deny the greasy Ronaldo. The whistle promptly sounded and Dodi's girly shriek burst poor Raven's eardrums.
The fourth game paired the old friends Phwilster and Esq and, as often happens when the two meet, Phwil frustrated the fuck out of his opponent and battled to a 'Desmond'. Esq's frustration continued as Raven ground out a deserved, solid 2-0 victory and the final game of the 'Nearly Times' segment ended in a simple 2-0 win for D over the Friar.
With the half time upon them, the players once again took time out to discuss, amongst many things, how Mother was; Rhoda Hagg's fat fucking tats and whether she was dead or not (also, whether her succulent bosum would plummet when unholstered or remain pert); dogface (and fat tatted) Katie Lloyd and shouting, randomly, 'TITS OUT!' and 'GET YOUR OLD BOY OUT!'. Truly enchanting catchphrases which I have no doubt will stand the test of time in years to come.
The first contest of the 'Times' section had Dodi reeling with Esq coming off a 4-1 winner. At 2-1, Dowd still felt he had a chance although it wasn't to be as Esq whipped in Swirler® after fucking Swirler® which the wretched Bacary Sagna plopped into his own net, swiftly followed by Almunia doing exactly the same thing just prior to the final whistle. With D seething, he promptly slapped the leather arm of the settee, harsheth, and almost flung the wireless pad across the room. The thought of the credit crunch stopped him though as limited funds would not enable a replacement purchase. Raven kept up his impressive form, easing (ooooooooooooh) past Om, 3-0 and cemented his 11th Goggins with an easy 2-0 victory over the toothless O' Dowd. With Dowd on a 'down'er, Esq was looking to notch up a much needed thrice punten over his arch nemesis Schildkrot to scoop second place. Once again, however, chef Krot proved to be the constant thorn in the haggard one's side by beating him 2-1 - his first (and possibly only) win of 2009. Esq's misery was further compounded when he slipped to a 1-0 reverse at the hands of champion Raven.
The final game pitted Squilly against the bespectacled one. Could Schilt aid his grizzled chum Esq by beating Dodo to hand him the runners up position? A point would be enough for Dodi to make the second place his own but in the end, he ruthlessly dispatched of Phwilly Benitez's tardy Merseysider's 6-0 to boost his goal difference and obliterate poor Krot's.
Thrillingly (is that a word?), on the way home in the icy conditions, Esq's wagon almost spun off the road. According to eyewitness accounts, the ballast of Phwil in the back counter-balanced the spin (© Raven). Until February ducks!
TITS fucking OUT! It's bout number 20wenty![edit | edit source]
What with the current economic gloom, thrifty Dowd utlilised the 'free question' on the AQA website and asked: "Tomorrow marks the historic event of the 20th Goggins Pro Evo bout. Who will win 'twixt current champion Raven, bespectacled Dodi, grizzled Gog or the plump Om?". The AQA wizard's responded immediately with a charming drawl: "The spirits hast spoken, and it has been bestowed upon AQA that Dodi shall reign victorious in the epic battle of Pro Evo on the eve of Feb's 10th day". "Glorious" D mused, who is also most moist at the addition of Arshavin to his threadbare squad.