User:Mrmonkey72/The Aristocrats: A Modern Retelling Of An Ancient Tale

A man walks into a talent agency with his family, and asks to speak with the talent agent.

"Well," the agent asks, "What is it exactly that you all do?"

"I think we've devised what is, quite possibly, the most offensive act in all of history," the father replies. "We'd like to perform it for you."

"Okay," the agent says. "I sat through Two Girls One Cup, I can sit through whatever you can throw at me. I've seen Lemon Party. I've watched Meatspin. Nothing you do can possibly phase me."

But the father is ready for him. "What we used to do was just this raging sex act. We'd all fuck each other wildly, dog included, with this huge variety of toys and just brutal activities. It was disgusting to comprehend: or at least, it used to be. Why, we'd even slit ourselves practically wide open with razors."

He takes a shuddering breath, and continues with the tale. "Until, one day, something came along called 4chan. One of their members videotaped our performance and posted it there; suddenly, instead of offensive and shocking, we were just a joke. Tame. Uninteresting. A fad."

At this, one of the man's daughters begins to cry.

"She can't have sex with the dog while fisting both her brother and sister anymore," her father told the talent manager. "Everyone made fun of her for it, and she's too embarassed now."

"Anyway," the father continues, "To catch up with the times, we've devised a new act. So, without further ado, here it goes."

At that, he pulled out an acoustic guitar, one that looked worn and beaten. With a bashed A-minor chord, he began to yodel- a yodel so frightening and well-performed, it pierced the soul.

The agent was shocked, suddenly finding himself beyond words. He saw the rest of the family pull out their own respective instruments, suddenly finding himself surrounded by a group of accordions, banjos, and tambourines, all played in perfect unison and together. His heart began to clench tightly; and just when he was going to order them to stop, the family pulled out their final, killing blow.

In beautiful, eight part harmony (dog included), they began to sing a rousing song about how much they all loved each other: how each of them meant so much to the others, and how their lives would be drastically different without each other.

This was too much for the agent. His heart clenched tighter and ceased to work, and he collapsed backwards in his chair.

Noticing, the family stopped their playing, calmly putting down their instruments.

"Dad," asked one of the sons, "Why did that work?"

"Goodness and ethics, son," the father responded. "They're too frightening in this day and age, full of corruption, hatred, and bad role models."

"Dad," asked a daughter. "Does that mean there's a moral to this whole tale?"

"Not really," said the dad. "Let's rape him, cut his body to pieces, and steal all of his money. After all, we're THE ARISTOCRATS: it's what we do."