User:Mooky/Scatman John

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Scatman John
Biographical information

Scatman's World

Date of foundation


Date of dissolution


Physical description

Human (citation needed)




29 hands

Eye color


Chronological and political information

Late Cenozoic




John Manscat, ba-ba-ba-better known to the world as ski-ba-doo-be-de-ba-doo I'm the Scatman John was a inconceivably popular jazz singer, moustache wearer and coprophile, best na-ba-na-known for his 1992 hit "Skibble de dibble de ska bap de bap de bo".

Along with such contemporaries as Agoraphobic Lemon Jefferson and Autistic Youth, Scatman John formed part of the early 90's trend of fusing latin and jazz words and music with mental disorders. Although it was not always apparent to the public, Scatman John's particular bur-ba-de-ba-bugbear-de-bo-bah was stuttering.


Scatman Begins[edit]

John was ski-ba-bee-born at the tender age of 0 on the 13th of March, 1942, a mere three minutes after his identical twin brother, Crothers. Both brothers were diagnosed with a critical case of the stutters three weeks before their birth by a time-travelling paediatotolaryngologist, who accidently materialized in the Manscat house on his way to the 2044 Space AIDS conference. Their well-meaning but feeble-minded parents did not fully understanding the diagnosis, and subsequently enrolled the pair at Mozart von Beethoven's Music School for Deaf Children, where they were brought up on a diet of soulful latin beats and gruel. As the saying goes, "In the kingdom of the deaf the man with the speech impediment is king", and in true life-imitating-a-saying fashion John and Crothers both skiffled straight to the top of their class.

The pair paid their way through school by performing freestyle word-jazz on street corners for change. They dubbed their stuttery gibberish version of the art 'scat', after the word most often shouted at them by angry locals.

Scatman Do[edit]

After gra-du-ba-du-babbo-bu-dating, the newly-monikered Scatman John found almost immediate success when his awkwardly titled debut single, "Skibbi-dobbi-biddi-dobbi-ski-ba-ba-loo-ba-I'm-the-Scatman", hit the #14 spot in the UK Charts, despite receiving incredibly poor reviews in the music press. The groundbreakingly avant-guard track featured a recording of John fruitlessly trying to order a pizza on the telephone, while an apparently hard-of-hearing trombonist battled his way through a rendition of 'Louie Louie' in the background. Melody Maker's Brian O'Twat stated that he considered the song to be 'tantamount to a war crime' and Jazz Mag's Leroy Gribble was no less scathing in his likening of John to 'a weird uncle that repeatedly shits his pants at the dinner table'.

Famously, it was at the release party for the single that John first met the moustache of his dreams. From that point on, the pair were virtually inseparable.

His second single, a eclectic jazz number synthesized entirely from a single cough, named "I want to schibby-sha-sha-woo-bah-you in your ba-who-de-be-bah-bu-wah-hole" charted at #3 to even greater critical derision. As a direct result of the track's success, the Scaaaaatman was contracted to headline the 1992 Short-Bus festival in Copenhagen - the most prestigious mental-deficiency-jazz festival of its time. He was joined on stage for his final song, a 24-minute skiffle cover of the chorus from 'Come On Eileen', by such luminaries as MC Narcolepsy, the Munchausen Syndrome Six and Bono. In a subsequent interview for Radio 3, John stated that the Short-Bus festival was the 'most amazing experience of his life', though it took him almost 28 minutes to say so.

Later that year, his fourth single, a Cuban pop ballad with lots of screaming titled "Ka-koo-ka-kill me", hit the charts at #1. With literally squillions of record sales, legions of adoring fans and his face on every billboard in China, Scatman John was officially the biggest spastic-word-jazz artist of the decade. Despite his undeniable success, the critics were still not impressed by John's work, with one reviewer for the Daily Mail going as far to say it was 'even shittier than The Frog Chorus'. Regardless, John was riding high on the glorious buffalo of success, it was practically written in stone that Scatmania would never dabba-ba-dooba-da-die.

The Death of Scatmania[edit]

Unfortunately, unexpectedly and un-un-un-gahhh, sales of Scatman John's debut LP "Blibble-ibble" were very poor indeed, as it turned out that the record buying public had already turned to the Cheeky Girls for their joke-gift-for-relatives-you-don't-really-like needs. John soon turned to the bottle, and though the general critical consensus was that being permanently inebriated actually improved his musical output, his will to scat had practically disappeared. Eventually, in 1995, his frustrated and despondant moustache made the decision to strike out its own solo career, but was tragically eaten by a horse on its way to the recording studio.

John's recording career took a further turn for the worse when he was accidently scatted to death in a no-holds-barred scat-off the following year. His final (abridged) words were quoted as being "Why did everyone think I liked poo?"

Additional Dibbi-dis-cography[edit]

Bootleg Albums[edit]

"Ninner Ninner Ninner Ninner Scatman", 1994

"Scatman's Colonoscopy", 1995 (enhanced CD featuring bonus video footage of the eponymous medical procedure)

"Happy Fun Time Scat Scat Mr Hello Scatman!", 1995 (Japan only)

Live Recordings[edit]

"Scat on a Hot Tin Roof", 1992

"Scat Among the Pidgeons", 1994

"Don't Let The Scat Out Of The Bag!", 1994

"Andrew Lloyd Webber's Scats", 1995 (Banned in the UK)


"Scatman John Sings 'My Way' in Reno", 1994 (3 VHS set)

"Scatman Presents: German Turd Love", 2004, (12 volumes - may be a different Scatman actually)