User:Moneke/UnScripts:Science vs Religion
Bored? Nothing on TV? Should be doing work but just too lazy to contribute to society? YouTube broken down? Well from the people who brought you Mimes vs Clowns comes the showdown of eternity: Science vs Religion.
Will blind faith triumph or will reasoned theories derived from gathered evidence succeed? Will you see through this poorly disguised educational program?
All these questions and more will be answered tonight!!!
Characters[edit | edit source]
Commentators[edit | edit source]
Fred Walderson: Esteemed, veteran boxing commentator in the twilight of his career. Having realized that he has blown all his income on booze and hookers he has completely sold out and is now flogging dubious products. The little that is known about his private life is pieced together from inane ramblings about his "bitch of a wife".
Jay Lewis: Brain-damaged ex-competitor and ex-con, disputed runner up in the infamous 98' Rumble in the W'House. Competed under the alias "President Pain" for several years until he was arrested for embezzlement. He was acquitted for "being too stupid to possibly organize such a scheme". To this day, he proclaims his guilt.
Science Team[edit | edit source]
The Primate: Evolution sure hasn't reached this guy. With his long beard and ape-like grip he strikes an imposing (if rather easy to mock) figure in the ring; and only the strong can survive his special move - Natural Selection.
Relative Pain: From Theoretical Physics to particle smashcanics, he knows it all. Is there any piece of matter he can't split? You don't get the Nobel prize for being a pussy, E may equal mc2 but he = pain2.
Killileo: In space no-one can hear you scream... because Killileo has his foot squarely in your face. When it comes to space Jupiter may be big but he is bigger. Just make sure you know where his telescope is...
Religion Team[edit | edit source]
Pope of Pain: He may be a cranky old virgin, but who'd argue with someone wearing that hat. He don't like contraception or you not confessin' so stay out of the way of his stick.
The Great J.C: The man... The legend. What more can you say 'bout an omnipotent deity who's come back more times than Madonna 'cept, you mess with him - you mess with his daddy.
Fred Phelps: Some ugly old guy who complains alot.
Intro[edit | edit source]
(poignant music plays)
Movie Trailer Guy: Throughout history there have been many great rivalries;
Coke vs Pepsi...
(Two Coke cans are shown jumping on a dented Pepsi can.)
Man vs Machine...
(A man is shown being beaten up by a human-like robot.)
Russia vs America...
(Abraham Lincoln is shown strangling Stalin with the US flag.)
But tonight we have possibly the greatest rivalry ever squaring off in the ring...
SCIENCE... (Charles Darwin is shown wrestling a giant gorilla)
and
RELIGION... (The Pope is shown lifting up the Sistine chapel)
One thing is for certain; tonight we are going to know for certain who actually controls the universe: Science or Religion.
Before the Fight[edit | edit source]
Fred Walderson: Welcome to Friday Night Rumble, brought to you exclusively by Chunky-Fuzz, the only cola with real meat.
Jay Lewis: Dats some chunky shit, dat is.
Fred Walderson: Yes... yeeessss. Well tonight we have an absolute pearler; Religion and Science. Now, these two don't like each other; just watch this from earlier.
(cuts to The Primate and Pope of Pain sitting down for press conference.)
Reporter: So, Primate, what did you think about the Matrix Reloaded?
The Primate: Well in my opinion it failed to expand on the existential issues brought up in the first installment, covering up these faults with flashy graphics.
Pope of Pain I think it conveyed the ideas of the original very effectively and-
The Primate: I'LL CONVEY YOU!!
Pope of Pain First you have to gather the evidence, B***H
The Primate: I hope you believe that...
Pope of Pain Why you-
(camera cuts to static)
Jay Lewis: Boy, he gonna get a beat'n
Fred Walderson: Yes... uh... um lets see the crowd.
(camera pans around the arena and slowly focuses on group of bespectacled nerds holding microscopes and waving giant streamers shaped like DNA)
Well as you can see they both have their supporters here. Lets get some of them up here in the box.
(A young middle eastern man enters wearing a turban and sporting a thick black beard, looking visibly nervous)
Fred Walderson: So what is your name?
Young middle eastern man: Praise Allah?
Fred Walderson: Ok... so who are you supporting?
Young middle eastern man: Praise Allah!
Fred Walderson: Hmmm, I see, your going for Religion. Why do you support them? Blind Faith? Inadequacy? Parents made you?
Young middle eastern man: ...
Fred Walderson: I see... um... lets see someone from the other side.
(Scrawny bespectacled youth enters room. His braces and severe acne are clearly visible. Taking a deep breath from his puffer he sits down.)
Fred Walderson: What's your name?
Scrawny bespectacled youth: My human name is Egbert, but my true name is Lord Khan Eki-kluk-eki-bong-klu the 57th of the 3rd Klingon empire.
Fred Walderson: Oh god!
Lord Khan Eki-kl... er... screw it: Underling, it is quite normal for people like you to be overwhelmed by my superior intellect...
Fred Walderson: *sigh* Ok... why do you like science?
Total Wanker: I take great pleasure from studying the sciences, from metaphysics too the reaction between potassium-bicarbonate in tetra-
Jay Lewis: Youse gotta get yo'self laid, boy!
Total Wanker: Please do not attempt to interrupt with your puny cr-
Jay Lewis: Wot you say?
(Jay Lewis jumps on the bespectacled youth and begins punching him. The young middle eastern man, now totally freaking out, starts grabbing at his bulging vest and saying prayers.)
Fred Walderson: He he he... we'll be right back.
Round 1 – Where we came from?[edit | edit source]
Fred Walderson: And the fighters make their way to the ring, like the gladiators in Rome - and like your taste buds will when you taste Chunky-Fuzz!
(The Primate and The Pope of Pain take position around the ring. The Primate begins to pray but thinks better of it.)
- Ding, ding, ding*
(The Primate pulls out a huge leather bound book and starts hitting The Pope of Pain.)
Fred Walderson: Ooooh, I didn’t think The Primate would bring out the big guns that early – that’s the Theory of Evolution!!
(After the initial blows the book appears to be having little effect. The Pope of Pain begins laughing.)
Fred Walderson: The Pope of Pain appears to be mocking him, oh this is so cruel, were the monkey noises really necessary?
Now he’s come to finish The Primate off, there is no way he can survive the Pope’s most dangerous weapon – the religious establishment.
(A bunch of well dressed gentleman begin hurling fruit at The Primate.)
Fred Walderson: Oh the huma- ape –man… how will he ever escape from this?
(The Primate runs to the corner and starts encouraging the crowd)
Fred Walderson: What’s this? Is that what I think it is? Yes it’s the Kansas Board of Education!!!
( The Pope of Pain is shown hitting The Primate over the head with a wooden 2x4)
Fred Walderson: You know that is actually a learning instrument in Kansas.
Jay Lewis: Wha?
Fred Walderson: Er… Look! The Primate seems to be getting the upper hand! He seems to be using his secret weapon – Public opinion.
( The Primate is now beating The Pope of Pain with a wad of paper, forcing him slowly but surely into a corner marked Joke.)
Jay Lewis: Dis, Dis reminds me of one of my fights in 99’
Fred Walderson: No, that was your wedding
Jay Lewis: Was it?
Fred Walderson: Nothing could save The Pope of Pain now!
(The Pope of Pain pulls several books out his pope-hat, hurling them at The Primate. All bounce off with little effect.)
Fred Walderson: Wha-ohh creationism didn’t work.
(The Pope of Pain is now clutching at straws, quickly he picks up one of The Primate’s books and pulls out one of his own, smacking Primate’s head between them.)
Fred Walderson: Intelligent Design! Is that legal? We’ll just have to see…
(The judges deliberate for a short time. The camera focuses on the particularly large breasts of a watching cheerleader.)
Fred Walderson: Wait… IT’S A TIE!!!