User:Modusoperandi/Automato

Announcer - "Today, on Amazing Inventions, an engineer foodstuff that will blow your mind: with food!"

"From the same people that brought you the "Amazing Edible Plate", for campers, ne'er do wells and layabout who are too lazy to wash, dry, and put away dinnerware...Foodgineering™ is proud to present its latest triumph; the "Amazing Automato"."

"...and here to present the awesome power sciencology, all the way from over there, please welcome your host, famous Hollywood actor and star of the long-running sitcom Night Court, Harry Anderson!"

<tepid applause from audience>

Harry Anderson - "This product is so good, I'm not even going to fine it fifty dollars and time served!"

<silence. cricket chirps backstage>

H.A. - "Don't you hate how much valuable time and energy you waste eating tomatoes?"

<mild mumbling from audience>

H.A. - "Does the mere thought of consuming their delicious goodness make you physically ill?"

<louder grumbling from audience>

H.A. - "Does their shiny roundness remind you of your deep seated Mommy issues?"

<"Woot!" scream from audience member that's dressed like the Vatican Swiss Guard>

H.A. - "Are you losing sleep worrying about cutting yourself on their sharp edges or losing an eye to their pointy ends?"

<outraged screams from studio audience. a burning effigy of a tomato can be seen in the background>

H.A. - "...well worry no more, because thanks to the amazing inventors at Foodgineering™, you can finally purchase the miracle of tomatoes that eat themselves! Amazing! Let's bring out an actor who represents the hundreds of biologists, ad executives, and corporate accountants who brought this miracle to market: Scientist Steve..."

S.S. - "Thank you for that kind intro."

H.A. - "Well, Scientist Steve, tell us all about this amazing invention."

S.S. - "Okay, Harry..."

H.A. - "...Mister Anderson."

S.S. - "Okay, Mister Anderson. I thought to myself one day, "What time and resources that could be used to improve food yields in third world countries, could I instead use to help fat westerners."

H.A. - "Third world, Where's the profit in that?"

S.S. - "Exactly."

H.A. - "How did you make the automato, anyway?"

S.S. - "Simply put, in layman's terms, we combined the tasty goodness of the humble tomato..."

H.A. - "Yum!" <rubs his belly in a circular motion>

S.S. - "With the bitey, toothy bits from the Norwegian vegetarian piranha..."

H.A. - "The deadliest predator of Norway's many inlets, estuaries and coves."

S.S. - "...and fjords. This happy combination results in a tomato that actually eats itself. Hence the name."

H.A. - "That's an awful pun, Scientist Steve."

S.S. - "Yes, in fact, it is. Of course, all puns are awful. It's an intrinsic part of their nature."

H.A. - "They are the lowest form of humor. But Scientist Steve, some people would say that you're perverting God's plan. How can you possibly justify using science in such a foolish and potentially dangerous way?"

S.S. - "Firstly, we were initially worried about being smited for our greedy transgression, but a sizeable donation by Foodgineering™ to the Vatican secured the blessing of 'God's Inerrant Word on Earth'. Secondly, money. One of the most profitably ventures is helping people who eat too much not eat so much."

H.A. - "Pope Ratzinger?"

S.S. - "Yes, he's in our studio audience right now."

H.A. - "Stand up and take a bow." <Pope stands> "How do we know you're the real Pope? Quick, say something stupid!"

P.R. - "Evangelization itself should be foremost, that the God of Jesus Christ must be known, believed in and loved, and that hearts must be converted if progress is to be made on social issues and reconciliation is to begin, and if, for example, AIDS is to be combated by realistically facing its deeper causes and the sick are to be given the loving care they need." ^[1]

H.A. - "That's Ratzinger all right. So, Scientist Steve, how do people get an Automato™ of their own?"

S.S. - "Um, at a grocery store? You aren't very smart, are you?"

H.A. - "Hey! I demand respect! I was in the TV remake of The Absent-Minded Professor, damnit!" <storms offstage>

<credits roll>

Footnote

^  Wups, that was an actual quote. Sorry.