User:Matt lobster/Just Pull Yourself Together

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Just Pull Yourself Together is a therapy scheme that first became popular in 2010 in Los Angeles. It gained notoriety after various Hollywood celebrities championed it as a treatment for various ailments and addictions. Its most famous proponent is actor Helen Hunt, who credits the therapy for helping her beat an addiction to "various stuff".

Core Program[edit]

The Just Pull Yourself Together program has four key steps.

Step 1 - Third-party implores yo to 'just pull yourself together'[edit]

This third-party must identify the patient has a problem and communicate this to the patient. This communicatation marks the commencement of the program and consists of the third party addressing the patient with the words "Just pull yourself together". The statement should ideally be preceeded by other different words that give further context as to what issue the treatment is seeking to address. For example, if the patient has a drugs problem, the full initiation statement may be, "Fuck you, you vomitos jumpered sponge fuck. Just pull yourself together."

Helen Hunt has recalled how director Richie Cunningham from Happy Days found her drinking a coffee in a bookshop in 1992. The director recognised Hunt was in distress and was reported to have told her to, "stand up, walk out, and get back in that fucking canoe."

Step 2 - Patient realisation of need to 'just pull yourself together'[edit]

To move on to this statement, the patient has to react to the third-party's assertion that they should "just pull themselves together".

The patient can accept step 2 by making one of the following statements:

  • "If I clean myself up will you sleep with me?"
  • "My wife doesn't know about the remortgage"
  • "I don't want to die"

The whole program can be cancelled at any time by the patient by using one of the following statements:

  • "Fuck off, it's my body."
  • "Don't exagerate you giant goat-fucking sponge"
  • "Money's just a discredited intellectual concept."
  • "My existentialism demands the bucket be brought to the top of that hill."

Step 3 - 'Just pull yourself together'[edit]

In this step the patient will 'Just pull themselves together.' This involves immediately abstaining from the source of their addiction and never mentioning this 'journey' ever again. If the therapy is failed at this stage then the therapy is automatically aborted and the patient ostracised from friends and family.

Step 4 - Be complimented by a third-party over 'pulling yourself together'[edit]

Any recognition that you have been successful in beating your addiction by a third-party should be dismissed as not news in an efficient yet embarrassed manner.

Helen Hunt apparently responded to a compliment from a Lisa Kudrow fan with the words, "it was just an Expresso."

Criticism of the Program[edit]

The lack of opportunity to sit in a circle with people you've never met before, is an often stated criticism of the programme. Advocates argue that there are plenty of opportunities to sit in a circle outside the programme such as barbecues in adequately-sized gardens and gatherings specifically laid out with circular seating plans.

Many argue that if "things weren't much worse in Africa", the programme would not function as well as it does. Helen Hunt has admitted that the therapy is only one Geldoff inspired music event, from being in, "one big fucking crisis."

Similar Programs[edit]

The success of Just Pull Yourself Together has meant many simlar programs have emerged. 'Your Dead Mother would be Ashamed of You' is now one of the leading weight-loss successes, with Just Smile for Fuck's Sake having recieved considerable success in the treatment of Depression.

Links to Scientology[edit]

A similar therapy is available under the Scientology religion called 'Xanaduism'. The main way it differs is that each stage must be signed-off with a high-five from a Xob or a cob, or something or other. And it's got Tom Cruise in it instead of Helen Hunt which is RUBBISH!!!