User:Maniac1075/Red Dwarf

(pretty military orchestral) WHOOOOOOSH, Its cold outside,There's no kind of atmosphere,I'm all alone,More or less.Let me fly,Far away from here,Fun, fun, fun,In the sun, sun, sun. I want to lie, Shipwrecked and comotoase, Drinking fresh, Mango juice, Goldfish shoals, Nibbling at my toes, Fun, fun, fun, In the sun, sun, sun, Fun, fun, fun, In the sun, sun, sun. dun dun dun dun duntt dunn, dunnunnnn Ba-berrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr donkdonk.

That's the theme song.

Red Dwarf: The USS mining ship thats mission is to boldly go where no man has ever had the desire to go before, and they really would not have wanted to go if they knew that some guy whose rank on the ship was beneath even the robot that cleans the toilet bowls, didnt fix the spaceships wall panel and all this radiation started leaking that caused every single person on the ship to spontaneously combust into nothing but laundry powder, leaving the ship to float on its own in outer-space for millions of years all while this guy was frozen in a magic space box where he was supposed to be encased for 2 weeks but ends up stuck in it for like 3 million years because of all the radioactivity on the ship would have killed him. So now he's thawed out and alive again and looking for a way to get home with his companions, starting with Holly the ships computer, The Cat, a life-form that evolved from kitty cats like man evolved from apes which is reasonably believable as Lister, the guy who was frozen, was actually in a chryo-stasis for 3 million years so the chances a cat he smuggled on board that had a litter of kittys did manage to evolve into human like form after a short few 1000 millenniums, oh and there is also Kryten who is a robot and this smeghead named Rimmer who no one likes and their all trying to find a way to get back to Earth to make sure ants haven't taken over and Lister has this over due library book that his moms gonna kill him for not returning within the week he was allocated to borrow it under the use of her membership card.

thats what red dwarf is all about!

The Series of Red Dwarf was created by this bald git and his best friend Dan or something. they used to live together and do radio skits about the effects of vindaloo curry when rubbed directly into the hole just south or north depending which way you are facing, of the perineum. They got together to write this story called red dw...hang, what if you are on your side? then that way the hole might be to the north or east or even a combination of north/east with a bit of west thrown in for good measure? Anyway, now I forgot what I was talking about... let me read everything back ... lets see, (pretty military orchestral) WHOOOSH... oh hang on, Red dwarf: the USS mining ship... who wrote that? It's not the USS mining ship, thats star trek ya smeg for brains... sigh yadda yadda yadda write a story called... oh yeah, they wrote a script called Red Dwarf and sold it to this company who didn't like sci fi stuff so the two dudes claimed it was a show like antiques roadshow so it went to air right away, even before members where cast for the show, it went to air, yeah, it's true, i wouldnt lie to you. It wasnt very good, it was just a blank screen on the telly and a sound like someone running there fingers around the rim of a wet glass for 6 hours, but it was the birth of Red Dwarf.

Yeah, thats how it came about!

This is Craig David, played by Lister. He was the main man of the show and enjoyed eating a lot of vindeloo curry and riding his tricycle around the ship humming songs to himself, like the smash hit he wrote when he was 17 that was brilliantly titled "ummmmmmmmmmmmmm" and now he is the last human alive in the entire universe except for a bunch of people they find along the way later in the series when he finds a female companion from another dimension that used to be in his dimension till she died cause Rimmer killed everyone on board by accident and turned them into powder which I suppose isn't that bad a way to go actually, at least it's painless, it's not like you had your smeggles eaten off by a 6 headed dragon with an iron deficiency problem so it just slowly eats you by starting at the toe nails for a week and working it's way up ... hang on, ive gone of subject, we where talking about Lister weren't we... sorry, so any way, Lister is like a space bum who just sits around with nothing much to do, which is probably what you would do if you where trapped on a massive spaceship millions of miles long but your only urge is to stay in the captains area of the ship because it has a window seat and you wouldn't want to miss out seeing nothing but infinite blackness of nothing out there in space.

Yup, that's Dave alright!

Rimmer is a Hologram that came to life after Lister had eaten nothing but Indian food for a month while devouring all the beer left in the galaxy, the end result was Dave blacking out and soiling himself in his own pants. The combination of 3 million year old Vindaloo and Beer, as well as Dave's own belly button lint mixed together forming a new bacteria that when it exposed itself to the "Do not drip dry" tag on Dave's underwear, it mutated it into Arnold J Rimmer. Arnold is not a bad looking guy, but Dave simply will not give into temptation and have sexual intercourse with Rimmer being that the tag he mutated from was lodged inside Dave's bum at the time, and hence when he was named Rimmer. Sure they could have called him "Asshole" but the BBC didn't want to cause a stink.

We stole that info straight from Wikipedia, so you know it's got to be factual!

The Cat we already mentioned before somewhere when we said he evolved from a cat Lister snuck on board the ship and got busted for. The Captain wanted the cat found and detained, due to the ships policy on "strictly no pussy", after all, it is a Navy ship, but Dave could not hand over the cat due to he never got it's number after their sexual encounter because, and quote; "Sir, the pussy didn't mean dick to me". Being that Lister could not hand over the car, he instead was thrown into chryostasis, and what we already mentioned happened, but like what we just did, we feel we should repeat it anyway, and so Dave was frozen for what was supposed to be a few weeks that turned into millions of years, and in the meantime everyone on the ship died from radiation poisoning, which is suspected to have been caused by all 405 Mexican members of the ship farted in unison to celebrate the first ever Mexican to win a gold medal at the Olympics, which was an astonishing achievement, especially seeing as how any other Mexican who can run fast or jump high has already made it over the border... wait, again, sorry, sidetracked, I know, ok.. so... Cat... yeah, he looks like a man, but he comes from a line of cats, meaning he may look human, but unlike you and me, he can lick his own balls and he sheds pubes everywhere.

I learned a lot, did you?

Kryten is a robotic sex android that was sent from the even more in the future then this show is set in the future to kill a young boy named John Conner. However, even in the future of the future of our own future nothing works, and being that the ship he materialized in had no lava looking shit on boil that he could go for a swim in to self terminate, he instead reprogrammed his mission to serve Lister and the cat enough Vindaloo and Beans to try and recreate the same effect as the Mexicans did millions of years ago in hopes the radiation is enough to melt down his own endo-skeleton and finally commit robotic suicide where he believes his robotic soul will go to heaven where all the Calculators told him they go to when they are shut down for the final time. Kryten is also a poof and enjoys sticking his dick in the spin drier.

We made all that shit up.

Holly is a sexually confused computer that has an I.Q of 3000, which is the same as 300 P.E Teachers. Holly pretends to run the ship and tell them they are on coarse in the direction of Earth, but is really hiding the fact that he was an additional program that came with a computer technicians version of Windows Direct X 90000. Holly enjoys playing chess with other ships computers, even tho there are no other ships, setting the toilets on the ship to flush as many times as the hour it is they go off at, monitoring the outside ships galaxy of nothing for even more nothing to hopefully calculate just how much nothing is out there in all that nothingness, and he also likes to cross dress by changing his gender every season or two.

To find out the answers to none of those questions, tune in tomorrow.