User:Leatherboundbooks/UnNews:Willy Wonka Criticized for Outsourcing Jobs
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15 July 2008
CARDIFF, WALES
With the peak of candy-making season coming up, Welsh reporters have obtained information showing that Willy Wonka has been involved in the outsourcing of jobs from British citizens to foreigners, who accept cheaper pay for longer work hours. In an even more shocking twist, many candies were recalled, at the peak of the season, due to lead paint being used on the candy wrappers. Charges have been filed against Wonka and his company, and conservative members of Parliament are openly taking a stand against what Gordon Brown has called "...unfair and altogether seedy. Hiring foreigners who will accept lower wages and work longer hours!? Madness!" Wonka, when asked, claimed that the move to hiring cheap, foreign laborers was necessary in order to stay competitive price-wise with Slugworth and his candy factory in nearby Newport.
Reporters from the Guardian stated today that insiders on the factory discovered that 95% of the workers at Wonka's plant are foreigners working either illegally or with a green card from Loompaland. These "Oompa Loompas" dominate the factory's manual labor jobs, with fewer than 15 British citizens working in the factory. Shockingly, the Oompa Loompas are willing to work for less than the minimum wage, which is legal under the circumstances that they are below the radar of the law and illegal to begin with, and some even work in exchange for chocolate and board.
Nonetheless, Wonka himself sat down for an exclusive interview with two of our own UnNews reporters:
Reporter 1: Well they can't be real people. [In regards to the Oompa Loompas] Willy Wonka: Well of course they're real people. Reporter 2: Stuff and nonsense. Willy Wonka: No, Oompa Loompas. Both: Oompa Loompas? Willy Wonka: From Loompaland. Reporter 1: Loompaland? There's no such place. Willy Wonka: Excuse me, dear lady... Reporter 1: Mr. Wonka, I [know my] geography. Willy Wonka: Oh, well then you know all about it and what a terrible country it is. Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts. And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles and Hornswogglers and Snozzwangers and rotten Vermicious Knids." Reporter 2: Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What kind of rubbish is that? Willy Wonka: I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing. And so, in the greatest of secrecy I transported the entire population of Oompa Loompas to my factory here.
The shocking fact that such a famous and affluent Welshman would give away jobs to messy, filthy, dirty, orange foreigners has led to disgust throughout Wales and many groups are discussing full-scale boycotts of Wonka products. The loss of these jobs to foreigners has sparked particular outrage within Wales because candy-making is a national occupation of sorts, and among the very Welshest of Welsh activites. Uncyclopedia managed to land an interview with First Minister of Wales, Rhodri Morgan, who pointed out that "...Wonka [has] in many ways stripped Wales of one of the two remaining uniquely Welsh products, at least since the English raped and obliterated every other aspect of our [culture], these two products of course, being Candy and Cardigan sweaters..."