User:Kiltninja/alcoholism

“Ishiz a' ouraje! If youza binnere youza... a... Ouraje!”

~ a practitioner of Alcoholism

Alcoholism, or properly, Alcoa-holism, is the ancient philosophy that everything in the universe is related to everything else through aluminum. Practitioners of Alcoa-holism founded the Church of Alcoa to better disseminate their beliefs.

History

The cave where some of the earliest depictions of alcoholism have been found

The origin of Alcoholism is unknown, but recent studies have uncovered cave paintings dating from the days when people used to drag their wives by their hair illustrating the very detailed principles of the philosophy.

What is it all about

The principles of the Alcoholism philosophy are as follows:

1. It is believed that the world was created for one purpose and one purpose only: to be a subject of research for higher, smarter, and sexier beings.
2. Evidence of these beings existence is manifest in the miraculous spiritual properties of aluminum, as preached by the Church of Alcoa.
3. Ingestion of pure aluminum is fatal to the human body due to its high concentration of divine power.
4. Mundane substances, when left in contact with aluminum for a sufficiently long time, will acquire traces of aluminum's divine power while remaining ingestible.
5. Ingesting substances infused with aluminum's power will enlighten the ingester, bringing one closer to the smarter, sexier beings who created the world.
6. In order to achieve total enlightenment, one must be kept in a suggestive state of conciousness at all times by consuming large amounts of alcohol from aluminum cans.

These principles are justified, practitioners claim, by the fact that after consuming large amounts of canned beer, everyone in the room appears smarter and sexier and must therefore be closer to the beings who created the world.

Identifying Traits

Practitioners of Alcoholism, or "Alcoholics", can be easily identified by the following characteristics:

An Alcoan monk showing jaundice, one of the penultimate conditions to aluminum ascention

• Incomprehensible speech (from achieving divine intelligence)
• Uncoordinated movement (from having shed most ties to the earthly realm)
• Dirty, unkempt appearance (to cover their otherwise blinding sexyness)
• Brown paper bags (to minimize their contact with glass, the antithesis of aluminum)
• Jaundice

Early Alcoholism

Due to the difficulty of manufacturing cans, stone-age Alcoholics were few, but highly devout. Small colonies of Alcoholics would live their lives around aluminium mines, perfecting techniques of mixing raw aluminium ore with mud and sticks to create aluminium-embedded clay pots. Grain, and thus beer, had not been invented yet, but early Alcoholics had some success storing grape juice in these pots. Due to the pots' low aluminum content, the infusion of the grape juice with aluminum energy was slow and inefficient, and the resultant beverage had to be consumed in far greater quantity to yield enlightenment.

Growth of Alcoholism

The Alcoholic movement was greatly advanced around 1600 B.C. by the perfection of metalworking techniques. With the proper tools, aluminium ore could now be transformed into vessels of solid aluminum. While small, these vessels could quickly infuse their contents with aluminum energy. Purified distillations of potato and agave were found best suited to infusion in such small 'shots'. It was also during this era that the first drinking games were invented for the dual purpose of replacing the social time spent consuming large quantities of infused grape juice and reducing the rate at which the newer, more concentrated distillations were ingested. This second point was a matter of safety, as it was soon discovered such highly-infused substances could produce the same lethal results as pure aluminum if consumed too quickly.

Modern Alcoholism

The industrial revolution marked the beginning of modern Alcoholism. Finally, it was possible to mass-produce high-grade aluminum and machine it into cans large enough to hold a satisfying amount of liquid but thin enough not to over-infuse the liquid to the point of lethality. These widely-available cans were filled with solutions of widely-available grains creating the first beer- a beverage which could once again be consumed socially in large quantities and given to friends to spread the message of Alcoholism. However, the modernization of society was not without its setbacks. Noting the success of the Alcoa-holics, foreign corporations began putting similar grain beverages in glass bottles and charging more money for them in an effort to out-class the burgeoning Alcoholic movement. Some went so far as opening bars in which to dispense fermented beverages from wooden barrels into ceramic, pewter, and later glass vessels. The incorporation of televisions showing ESPN into bars worldwide drew more people into this new corporately-sponsored moderate drinking society and away from true Alcoholism. Nonetheless, true devout Alcoholics remain to this day, buying only the cheapest aluminum-cased beverages and preaching their message from alleys and streetcorners to anyone willing to spare some change.