User:Kevillips/unnews
TBA[edit | edit source]
- 3M Changes name of Post-it Brand notes to "Yellow Stickees"
UnNews:Trailer Park is on the move[edit | edit source]
Lower Hills Trailer Court, Monday (UNN) With the hurricaine season safely behind them, the rag tag bunch of pioneers, known as the Lower Hillsians, are on the move again. These nomadic people move from Florida to the Northeast this time of year to take advantage of the Winter Noreasters. The move is underwritten by The Weather Channel as a promotional expense. Once the park is settled in its new storm blighted area, it will become the base, once again, for their top rated show, Storm Stories. Park residents enjoy the change of scenery and do not mind the endless labrynth of cables and wires the channel brings to their lots. Future plans for the park include relocating to Kansas just in time for Tornado season.
UnNews:New UnCalendar unveiled[edit | edit source]
New York, Sunday (UNN) The United Nations today has issued a new UnCalendar (UC) to the world. Having found that many days of the week go wasted, the United Nations International Unilateral Anti-defamation ecumenical Calendar Court abolished 4 days of each week.
| Sa | Mo | We |
| 1 | 2 | 3 |
| 4 | 5 | 6 |
| 7 | 8 | 9 |
| 10 | 11 | 12 |
| 13 | 14 | 15 |
| 16 | 17 | 18 |
| 19 | 20 | 21 |
| 22 | 23 | 24 |
| 25 | 26 | 27 |
| 28 | 29 | 30 |
| 31 |
Biblical scholars are not expected to approve this affront to the seven day intelligent design program as established in Book one of the big book. However, the Mormons have declared that Pope Gregory has given his posthumous approval of the new calendar.
The new days of the week shall be the three days, traditionally the most productive. Monday Wednesday and Saturday. To make the weeks balance out to the 365 day year, the number of weeks per year must be adjusted. There are now 121 full weeks per year. Each month has little over 10 weeks.
Union leaders are ecstatic about the new shorter work week, but students and teachers are dissapointed in the increase in weeks per semester of school. The new calendar, unveiled on December 29, 2005 appears in the table below.
Some confusion is to be expected as the world gets used to the new terms of relative time. "next week" means as soon as after three days. "A week from now" means 4 days. "One week before the end of the month" means 3 days.
- eg. month and the month has 31 days, under the old calendar (OC), it would have ended December 25, seven full days before the end of the month. Under the UnCalendar (UC) the one week before the end of the month would be moved up to December 29th. In the example, the red dates would be considered "the Last week of the month". This is only an example, the OC expired December 28th, and the UC began December 29th.
Noted word-a-day Calendar publisher is unfazed by this new development, as they dispenses with pesky week details years ago, and consider the year to be 52 two day weeks and the rest of the weeks are one day weeks. This calendar is only used in offices and businesses where the "Today is" the only pertitent day of the week.
The last time the Calendar was tinkered with was briefly during the French Revolution, with their "revolutionary calendar".
- "We are very excited to give French Workers a shorter work week" - F Mitterand.
- "I can't believe I have to go to school for 90 weeks, but I am excited about the new 90 week summer break!" - Billy Age 8.
Mothers in the heartland are worried about how they will handle having the kids off from school for that long.
Subdivision on Long Island proposed for confirmed bachelor's.[edit | edit source]
Huntington, Tuesday (UNN) Huntington Board of Supervisors approved a zoning change for an enclave of confirmed bachelors. Long considered the red-headed step-children of spinsters, the the bachelor rights movement has started flexing its economic muscle. It is diffucult to get hard numbers, but it is believed that the group have a stranglehold on some professions. With all this disposable income, it was only natural they would want a community of their own.
Community organizer and developer, Olive America along with her long time companion, Amanda Hugenkiss, came up with the idea of a bachelor haven at Brunch one day with their girlfriends. "Its time these men had a place where they could entertain their lady friends without the prying eyes of the neighbors looking down on their wild lifestyle" says America. Far from being a man-ghetto, Marble Hills will be a showplace of masculinity. The countries best bachelor designers have agreed to design all the homes. The community will also feature a 24 hour health club so the bachelors can keep up their fitness, for the ladies.
One controversial covenent in the new place is a No Mother Policy. Well meaning moms, bemoaning their sons moving out, will be stopped at the gate by security. Any cookies or potroasts will be forwarded to the residents. The Vatican was consulted on how strict the bachelorness must be, and the policy is that the bachelor must have been a practicing bachelor for at least three years, prior to moving into the community. Not to worry, the sales office in Chelsea was awash with buff body building types, not the stereo-typical "mama's boy".
The showplace of the development will be the Paul Lynde Community Center. "Not many people outside the coasts, new that Paul was a confirmed bachelor" said Hugenkiss. Lynde was famed for playing the crazy bachelor uncle that every family seems to have. So typecast was that role, that many people assumed he was the opposite in real life. Mr & Mrs. Paul Lynde of Larchmont. Not quite. The PLCC is to be the showplace of Charles Nelson Reilly Boulevard, the main drag.
==Humans full of meat. == It has been discovered recently by Ignobel Prize winner, Ignatious Reilly, that Humans, like animals are composed of mostly meat and meat bi-products.
I started my research after I read an intriguing article in Omni Magazine back in April, 1991. It was a humor piece about an alien encounter with meat-humans. I thought to myself, "there may be some truth to this". So I started looking.
Working under a grant from the Soylent Company, Dr. Reilly was able to perform thousands of experiements, proving his theory that humans were actually made out of meat, just like animals.
Violently opposed to his research, the Redstatsian Congressional Delegation tried unsuccessfully to require the research to suggest that women were made only of Rib Meat. It failed, and his results are conclusive.
- "I was kind of hoping I'd be wrong, since I was such a fan of the triffids. But what can you do? We're sentient meat." - Reilly
Labor Leaders Cancel Protest[edit | edit source]
Washington, Monday (PFN). Labor leaders, monday, called off a planned protest against the insertion of a Leap Second following a look at their calendars. Leap seconds have been added to the Official Popeye The Sailor Man clock at the Naval Observatory only 23 times in the past. Necessary to sync up the ipod playlists to its French Counterpart, the UTC Le Pieu Clock in Paris.
No offical reason for the cancellation, but it was noticed there is only $3.50 in the protest fund. Sources close to the union state the Saturday event still occurs on a workday for at least 1% of the union workforce.
- "Unpaid Leap Seconds are just another way The Man sticks it to the unions" said Joe Sixpack.
- "If you were to aggragate the accumulated unearned wages of all the leap seconds around the world, it would be a really really big number" - Chief Economist, Citifed
- "Really It on Saturday?" asked the one no one remembers.
It is expected to go without a hitch, as all the computers in the world were fixed for leap seconds when they were programmed to understand the year 19100 during the Y2K crisis.
"We're Gay" Announced Half of Pair of Twin Siamese Twins.[edit | edit source]
Monday (UNN) Halfie, Karol, left center, and fellow halfie, Tedd, right center, recently came out of the closet as Gay Men. Their brothers Bob, left, and Allister, Right, are reportedly "cool with it", but were intially surprised.
- "I am not all that crazy about the receptive intercourse, but I don't mind the active", - Jim.
- "I guess you could have called me bicurious 6 mos ago, but no more", - Bob.
The GLBT Alliance has agreed to add CT to their acronym to show their solidarity to the conjoined twins. This being primarily due to the straight halves of each.
- "The GLBTCT Alliance Supports these men's example for conjoined gay/straight twins everywhere." - GLBTCT Director of Coming Out Services, Anonymous.
- "Its such a relief to be out, because I really wanted to go to Elton John's wedding" - Karol
- "Finally something interesting in our dull little family" - the boy's mother, Francesca.
Complicating the matter is that each pair of conjoinees have one gay and one straight. But at least they are matched up when they face one another. The boys were not actually invited to the wedding, but have not been told, until now.
New Orleans Airport to Reopen to Public January 1[edit | edit source]
New Orleans (UNN) After a brief vist with Fema and Army Corps of engineers in Washington, New Orleans Mayor Ray Naggin' announced Monday that the airport would resume public lights on January 1st. Formerly Bankrupt Pan Am is the first to lease space in the new water based airport.
- We are so glad we can take those clippers out of the moth ball fleet and make up some of those past due payments - Joquine Salvador, President of the New Pan Am
In addition to Pan Am, Goodyear and the Zeppelin Co of Germany are expected to begin commercial flights to New Orleans. Initially, Pan Am will be flying in from coastal cities only, with flights added from Chicago, Buffalo and Duluth in the spring. Goodyear and Zeppelin will have an early start in those Great Lake Cities.
- New Orleans is a world city and deserves to have world access - Jimmy Paige, President of Zeppelin
Famed Broadway Show producer and New Orleans native, Mel Brooks, penned a new musical comedy based on his 1968 movie of the same name.
- Those people are ready for this - Brooks.
"The Airship" is a thinly veiled instrument of promotion of the lighter than air flight industry. Nevertheless, it is expected to raise interest in the New Orleans only flights.
Bingo Follows Lead of CSI[edit | edit source]
Features Editor, Cindy Brady
Lower Hills Trailer Court(UNN) After tinkering with the schedule week after week, the Lower Hills Trailer Court Community Center (LHTCCC) finally came up with the perfect counter programming for CBS' ratings juggernaut: CSI.
- "We felt people were thinking the other nights were repeats, so we changed the names" - Rufus Wagner, park superviser.
Adding city themed bingo has been an attendence bonanza at the pine paneled community center.
- "I just love that we have so many players at the LHTCCC. The pot is based on how many people are playing, and now we have one and a half to two dozen each of the three nights!" - Mavis, park resident.
Ruling out changing the name from Bingo to CSIngo, adding the city names to two nights proved to be a very easy transition.
- "Old school players would not have liked the idea of the first column being called 'CS' instead of 'B' ", - Wagner.
Although game play should not have been affected, the "what-the?" response may have kicked in, it was explained. Thursday's Game Night, and Friday's Covered Dish Dinner and Dance, need no such crutches to insure high attendence at the center.
- "People seem to like to show off their jello salads and crispy wings Friday nights at the LHTCCC" - Jeb, park resident
Other community centers around the country are watching carefully. Shuffleboard is taking a wait and see attitude about its own name change. CBS has no plans to change their strategy.