The writer of this article has become hopelessly, helplessly stuck.
What is the meaning of life? Why do we exist? What is morality? How is a raven like a writing desk? These are some of the questions that have driven some of the greatest minds in the history of mankind insane. Although this book may not be able to tell you the answers, it will help you realize the futility of trying to find them, and how you are ultimately useless and going to die. Through many years of painstaking research in the field of philiosophy, we, the authors of this book have designed a simple, cheap, and practical way for you to embark on a journey of self-discovery so that you can say that there is some sort of purpose to that meaningless drivel you call life.
Part 1: A journey
I began writing this book while on an expedition through the ancient jungles of Panama several years ago. I had just finished college, and wanted to treat myself to a vacation before settling in and getting a job. While I was in Panama, I ended up getting separated from the tour group and wandered off into some part of the forest that had not been touched by civilisation for (likely) centuries. Fortunately, I managed to find a shelter in a rotted log, where I remained for several days, surviving off insects and moss. Then, in the middle of one night, there was a huge storm, and my shelter was decimated by the strong winds. There I was, alone in the dark, in the pouring rain. Suddenly, I realized I had my cell phone, so I pulled it out. There was no signal, but I did have some games. And that was when an idea hit me like a bolt of lightning.
I realized the simplest truth: I had been sitting next to a highway the whole time. I ran out into the highway, shouting for help, and wondering if anyone even cared that I was here.
It took several hours for me to meet up with a car, so I had plenty of time to think. I ended up typing up the first half of this b1ook before my phone ran out of battery, leaving me with nothing to do but lay down in a pile of trash and fall asleep. When I woke up, I was in a hospital. I was terrified out of my mind. Since I was a young boy, I have had an irrational fear of hospitals, and no amount of therapy could ever change that. Thinking quickly, I ran through the door, knocking over a few patients and then jumping out a third story window. As I landed, I felt an intense pain in my right leg, but kept running nonetheless.
I ran and ran until I collapsed from exhaustion. Thisty, tired, and hungry, I lay on the ground, whimpering in pain because of my broken leg. Just as I was about to give up and bash my head in with a rock, I heard a voice.
"Hello there." Said the voice from somwhere behind my head.
"Wha- Who's there!?" I shouted.
"Its only me..." said the voice.
I looked around wildly for the source of the voice, but to noo avail. I couldn't see anyone who could have spooken to me.
"Where are you?" I asked, trying to find the source of the noise.
"Right here, on the rock." It said.
I looked on the rock, only too see a tiny beetle crawing around.
"The beetle?" I asked.
"Yes, I'm the-" The small insect was cut off as I violently smashed it into the ground. "AAAAAAA!!!!!! OH GOD THE PAIN WHY????"
I walked away, knowing that for the rest of my life, I would have to live knowing that I had killed an innocent creature because I could. May God have mercy on my soul.