User:John Lydon/RC Cola

RC Cola

Early RC Cola was said to be twice as potent as Napalm and able to clear your bowels faster than a gallon of prune juice

RC Cola is a carbonated soft drink produced and manufactured by the Recked Colon Cola company.

Origins

RC Cola and the Recked Colon Cola company had their beginnings in Columbus, Georgia with a man named Claude Hatcher. In the year 1905, Claude was serving 180 days of house arrest for attempting to poison his wife. Claude would later state in his autobiography that he “just couldn’t stand the bitch.” In the summer of 1905, about 30 days into his sentence, Claude began experimenting in his basement in an attempt to create a more potent poison for the next time he ran into his wife. After a few weeks of experimenting, Claude had devised a formula that he thought would work. After paying a local boy 30 cents (35 cents in today’s money) to sample the new formula, Claude discovered two things; 1. His concoction was not a viable poison; and 2. The kid said the liquid tasted like Cherry Cola. Being one of only 14 people in Georgia to pass the 4th grade, Claude was far too smart to miss the opportunity in front of him. He named the substance Chero-Cola and received Patent #371594 on September 3rd, 1905.

Marketing

By 1909, Chero-Cola was flying off the shelves of grocery stores all across Georgia. Unfortunately, Claude was unable to expand past state borders because two other upstart companies, Pepsi co. and Coca Cola, had death grips on the surrounding state’s cola markets. By the end of 1910 Claude Hatcher realized if he didn’t expand his company it would die. He returned to the laboratory to invent new flavors in hopes that one of the flavors would find a niche market and be a way to break through to new borders. By 1912, Chero-Cola Co. had 4 flavors; Original Chero-Cola, Ginger Ale, Dirt (later renamed to Strawberry), and Root Beer.

In one of the strangest marketing campaigns in history, Hatcher began aggressively targeting pedophiles, a demographic that many other companies would not touch. Chero-Cola changed it’s slogan to “Kids just love the stuff!” and many ads featured the image of then famous pedophile James “the Candy Man” Cartidge, who happened to be a close friend of Claude Hatcher.

Original RC Cola ad featuring pedophile James Cartidge

With the credibility of Cartidge behind it, the Chero-Cola company expanded into 27 different states and even went international when Mexico, the self titled “Pedo capitol of the world” opened its borders to the beverage. Chero-Cola soon gained the nickname "Nehi" because the children it was used to lure in were often reffered to as "knee high to a grasshopper" and no one in the state of Georgia could spell "knee high".

Name Change

By 1920, Chero-Cola had started to fall out of favor nationwide. Pedophilia was no longer the nationwide craze it once had been and was starting to be looked down on. Hatcher was forced to re-brand his company or lose everything. Hatcher employed the famous Russian chemical warfare scientist, Vil S. Mirzayanov, to create a totally new type of flavor to compete with the likes of Pepsi and Coca Cola who were dominating the soft drink industry. Mirzayanov created a simple cola flavor which Hatcher was convinced would be the cornerstone of his new company. In 1924, after several test groups had sampled the new flavor it was ready to be released to the public. The only problem was Hatcher’s new company did not have a name. According to Hatchers autobiography the new company name was taken from a comment by one of the test group subjects, Harry Walson. When asked what he thought of the new Cola, Harry replied that it was decent, but it “gave him the squirts something terrible.” Harry felt the new drink had “wrecked his Colon.” Hatcher thought that wrecked colon had a fond ring to it and decided to name his company after Mr. Walson’s comment. Since Hatcher had only passed the 4th grade, he did not have a solid grasp on spelling. Attempting to phonetically spell the new name on the Patent Application, Hatcher mistakenly named the new company “Recked Colon Cola” which would later be shortened to RC Cola.

Modern Popularity

By the late 1950’s RC Cola was a serious competitor with Mello Yellow for the title of Cola that no one likes. By 1970 RC Cola had claimed the title all to itself. In the late 1980’s Pepsi made a severe error in judgment and released Crystal Pepsi. The terrible beverage angered consumers so much that they began buying RC Cola out of spite. The increased sales gave RC Cola the false sense that their drink didn’t suck. They opened factories in Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, and Des Moines Iowa. Six months later, Pepsi pulled Crystal Pepsi from the shelves and their loyal consumer base returned. RC Cola was forced to close factories in Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, and Des Moines Iowa. Today RC Cola continues to survive by returning to the old ways of niche marketing. Their biggest consumer demographic is the “I was really, really, really thirsty and for some reason the only thing I could find to drink was an RC Cola” group.

Sales and Profitability

RC Cola enjoys sales of upwards of 4 cans a month. After the passing of original founder Claude Hatcher, the company was purchased by British investor Niles Langley for the sum of 200 euros (like 17 bucks American) and is currently traded on the NYSE under the symbol RCC. Stock Prices recently topped the 4 cent mark, the highest point ever for the company.

This important looking chart proves that RC Cola sucks and will give you cancer

RC Cola in the Media

• David Berkowitz (Son of Sam) was famous for his insistence on having an RC Cola present at all hearings during his 3 month long trial

• RC Cola was featured in the pilot episode of Food Network’s “Where are they now”

• R&B Superstar R. Kelly referenced RC Cola in his song “Pissing on Minors” with the line “I’ll piss on you, you can piss on me, then we’ll go out and get some RC.”