User:JelloMold/Wirral Winter Wonderland!

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Wirral Winter Wonderland, a little piece of Lapland... but in Wirral.

WELCOME TO THE MAGICAL WIRRAL WINTER WONDERLAND! SET IN 1.7 ACRES OF ANCIENT WIRRAL FOREST! That's right, a whole 1.4 acres of forest! Brought to you by local entrepeneurs Barry and Neil Fatt, of Brothers Fatt Inc. - the same people who brought you the infamous Grimsby Worm Circus, and the ever-popular Scunthorpe Grass Farm.

The whole family can enjoy all the magic of Christmas for the small price of just ten pounds (that's right, fifteen pounds!) per head. Headless patrons get in free, of course, but Wirral Winter Wonderland take no responsibility for customers who lose their heads on the premises, unless we're talking metaphorically here - which we should be now that Johnny the Christmas Lumberjack has been retired!

How to get here[edit | edit source]

Welcome to Lapland! What - Crapland? Who said that?

Our Winter Wonderland is set in the most Christmassy part of the UK; Wirral! I said Wirral. Northwest of England? Little peninsula in between Liverpool and Wales? What you do is you take the M56 and then - actually it's not important where it is, what matters is the joy of the holiday season, which we have in abundance.

Once you reach the site just follow the dirt path for 420 yards, then it's just a short drive across our car park to the main gates. There should be plenty of room for your family vehicle in between the old disused ice cream vans and sleeping vagrants. Don't worry if you get lost because the whole place is very well sign-posted - in fact we recently just got a new traffic cone for the entrance. Local kids stole the last one.

KIDS WILL LOVE OUR...[edit | edit source]

Please do not feed the reindeer, regardless of how starved you think they look.

Magic Log Cabins of Wonder![edit | edit source]

There's nothing more magical than a nice wintry log cabin. Some customers have pointed out that it would be more magical if there was actually something inside them, but we say; don't think of them as being empty, think of them as being full of Christmas glee. Some people are never satisfied. In fact, we find that a lot with our customers. They're log cabins for Christ's sakes, what more do you want? Well, technically speaking I suppose they're not log cabins either. Apparently the correct architectural term is "garden shed"; that's what the building planning clerk called them anyway. The important thing isn't what they're called though, it's how much the kids love them. And trust me, kids love our sheds - uh, I mean log cabins of wonder.

Friendly Winter Dog![edit | edit source]

Now with free-standing polar animal!

Roll up to see our winter's canine...so real you could reach out and TOUCH him! Don't actually touch him though. In fact you better stand back his saliva is tainted. But only slightly!

Non-Smoking Santa![edit | edit source]

Yes. And Brian has also had treatment for his alcohol and anger issues too! (please make sure your children do not touch his beard though.. it's one of his few remaining 'triggers')

Mysterious Floating Tires![edit | edit source]

Yes they ACTUALLY FLOAT thanks to Father Christmas' Magic Powder! (not suitable for children under 5 due to dangerously thin metal wires)

All-Natural Ice Rink![edit | edit source]

Get your skates on for our fantastic ice rink! Some have remarked upon it's close proximity to the old Birkenhead sewage treatment plant but don't let that put you off... or the brown colour of the ice. Who knows it could be a river of chocolate under the surface! (tetanus injections only £50 when you buy a pair of skates)

Tunnel of Light[edit | edit source]

Please bring your own torch

Festive Food![edit | edit source]

If you like your food in van form, and we certainly do, this is the place to go! We have traditional seasonal favourites such as:

- turkey and chips

- (single) sprout and chips

- double chips

Also please bring your coupons for 10% off our limited edition turkey baguettes - now only 99% not-turkey! Get there early though, they usually run out around 10am.

ALL OUR CURRENT LAWSUITS HAVE BEEN DROPPED[edit | edit source]

And our ban on public entertainment has been lifted! (temporarily)! So head on down to WiRrAl WinTeR WoNderland! It's Craaazzzy! We 110% guarantee that you possibily won't not have a good time!

External Links[edit | edit source]

Lapland New Forest

THIS PAGE HAS NOW BEEN SUSPENDED PENDING INVESTIGATION BY THE UK ENTERTAINMENT COMMISSION[edit | edit source]

No it's fine! Keep coming! (shit why can't I delete this warning)