UnScripts:Who Killed God?
Who Killed God? is a play written at the turn of the 20th century. Although the author of the play is unknown, his play is still performed in theatres across the world.
Act I[edit | edit source]
Scene I: A Dark Alleyway[edit | edit source]
| Dramatis Personae In order of appearance | |
|---|---|
| Detective Frederick | |
| Deputy Marcks | |
| Emily Borland | |
| A Magician | |
| A Priest | |
| A Wanderer | |
| His Shadow | |
| A Soothsayer | |
| Police Chief Engels | |
| The Ugliest Man | |
The alleyway is bordered off with yellow police tape. Detective Frederick and Deputy Marcks look over the body of God, who lies on the ground motionless.
Frederick: God is dead.
Marcks: Oh really? When did you figure that out?
Frederick: When I just saw the body.
Marcks: Just saw the body? You've been looking at the ground for 2 hours, you ninny! You were staring at a group of ants swarming a blop of ice cream the whole time!
Frederick: Heh. I love ants.
Marcks: How can you think of ants at a time like this!? God is dead and we need to find out who killed him.
Frederick: You're right. Want to take him to the coroner's office?
Marcks: *sigh* Sure.
[Exeunt]
Scene II: The Coroner's Office[edit | edit source]
Frederick and Marcks take the body of God to the local coroner about 300 meters from the crime scene. The nubile young coroner, Ms. Emily Borland, examines the corpse.
Emily Borland: I don't see any presence of wounds on the body. Are you sure he was killed by a weapon?
Frederick: Of course I'm sure. The murderer was all like "WRY! WRY! WRY! WRY! WRY!" [Frederick imitates a stabbing action] and God was all like "AAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAA!" [Frederick imitates a person being stabbed repeatedly] and a witness was all like "Ha ha! God is being killed!"
[Marcks swats Frederick over the head with a rolled-up newspaper]
Marcks: Ms. Borland, are you capable of performing a full body autopsy?
Emily Borland: Gladly.
[Ms. Borland bends over the corpse to perform the autopsy, while Frederick gazes attentively at her cleavage]
Emily Borland: I don't see any hemorrhaging or bleeding...
Frederick: Uh-huh.
Emily Borland: ...there is no organ damage...
Frederick: Uh-huh.
Emily Borland: ...and tumors are nowhere present in the body.
Frederick: Uh-huh.
[Ms Borland looks up at Frederick]
Emily Borland: Mr. Frederick, are you listening?
Frederick: Uh-huh.
Emily Borland: What's one plus one?
Frederick: Uh-huh.
[Marcks swats Frederick on the back of the head with his palm]
Marcks: We no longer mean to bother you at this time; we need to find out who killed God. Come on, Frederick.
[Marcks and Frederick begin to walk out of the coroner's office]
Frederick: Hey, are those real?
[Marcks swats Frederick on the back of the head with his palm]
[Exeunt]
Act II[edit | edit source]
Scene I: A Street[edit | edit source]
Frederick and Marcks begin their search for the individual who killed God. They come across a wandering magician, and begin to interview him.
Marcks: My good sir, who are you?
Magician: I am a wandering magician.
Marcks: Were you in the vicinity of where God died today?
Magician: Yes, I was, unfortunately.
Marcks: Unfortunately?
Magician: Yes. I am a practitioner of Wicca, and so, when I saw the God that I did not believe in dying, I cried out, "Ha ha! God is being killed!"
Frederick: I knew it!
[Marcks swats Frederick over the back of the head]
Marcks: Did you kill God?
Magician: No, but I am a convicted serial killer, although no one believes me.
Frederick: Huh?
Magician: Exactly.
Marcks: No, really. Who have you killed?
Magician: Er...
Marcks: Well, thank you for spending the time to answer our questions, anyway. We'd best be going on our way.
Magician: Before you go, would you be interested in purchasing a bag of opium?
[Frederick reaches for the bag of opium held by the magician but is then pulled away by Marcks]
Marcks: The answer is no.
Frederick: Aw, man...
[Exeunt]
Scene II: Outside A Church[edit | edit source]
Frederick and Marcks reach the outside of a church where they find a priest standing on the steps to the door.
[Frederick points at the priest]
Frederick: Where's your pointy hat?
Marcks: That's a priest, you ninny.
Priest: Yes, I am a priest, or at least was a priest, but now I am retired.
Frederick: Physically or mentally?
Marcks: Not retarded, RETIRED. You're sounding retarded for asking such a stupid question.
Frederick: Tsk, tsk, tsk. Such naughty language. Didn't your mother teach you better?
Priest: I now operate an ice cream cart. You wanna come see?
Frederick: Well—
Marcks: I'm sorry, Father, but we already ate.
[Exeunt]
Scene III: A Cemetery[edit | edit source]
Frederick and Marcks enter the gates of a cemetery where they find a wanderer and his shadow.
Frederick: Who are you?
Wanderer: I'm a wanderer.
Shadow: He's a wanderer.
Marcks: What are you doing?
Wanderer: I'm picking flowers.
Shadow: He's picking flowers.
Marcks: And will you shut up?!
Shadow: Er... okay.
Frederick: Also, who's that man in the beard right next to you?
[Frederick points to a soothsayer standing next to the wanderer and his shadow]
Soothsayer: Beware the Ides of March!
[Marcks looks at Frederick]
Marcks: I believe this man is in the wrong play.
[Marcks looks back at the Soothsayer]
Marcks: Sir, I believe you are in the wrong play.
Soothsayer: Beware the Ides of March!
[Marcks speaks slower and louder]
Marcks: You are in the wrong play!
Frederick: Illic est Grue secundum vos.
[The Soothsayer runs off the stage screaming like a madman]
Marcks: You said something to him in Latin. What was it?
Frederick: I speak Latin? Wow, I did not know that!
[Pause]
Marcks: On second thought, let's go back to headquarters.
Shadow: They're going back to headquarters.
[Marcks swats the wanderer's shadow over the back of the head]
[Exeunt]
Act III[edit | edit source]
Scene I: Police Headquarters[edit | edit source]
Frederick and Marcks arrive at headquarters where they present the evidence they have compiled to Police Chief Engels.
Engels: What have you two come up with? I've been waiting all day to hear about your progress.
Marcks: Well, we've spent 8 hours interviewing random individuals on the streets and still have not found a killer.
Engels: What?! You incompetent fools! How could this be so?
Marcks: Well, the detective here kept asking irrelevant questions, providing us with absolutely no leads.
[Engels rounds on Frederick]
Engels: And what do you have to say for yourself, sir?
Frederick: I already caught the killer!
Engels: What? Who is he?
Frederick: His name is... Red Herring!
[Frederick pulls out a fish]
Engels: That's a fish, you fool!
[A brick flies through the window, hitting Engels on the head]
Engels: OW!!!
[Engels drops to the floor, unconscious]
Frederick: Look, chief! Someone sent us a present!
Marcks: The chief's out cold, you ninny!
[Frederick picks up the brick and reads it]
Frederick: It says "I"... it's addressed to me!
Marcks: *sigh*
[Another brick flies through the window. Frederick picks it up and reads it.]
Frederick: "Know".
[Another brick flies through the window. Frederick picks it up and reads it.]
Frederick: "Who".
[Another brick flies through the window. Frederick picks it up and reads it.]
Frederick: "Killed".
[Another brick flies through the window. Frederick picks it up and reads it.]
Frederick: "God".
[As Engels finally stirs, a flurry of bricks fly through the window. Frederick reads each one as they land on the ground.]
Engels: My God, all these bricks!
Frederick: If. You. Want. To. Know. The. Answer. Head. To. The. Abandoned. Warehouse. At. Midnight.
Marcks: Chief, do you know what this means?
Frederick: Yeah. Someone is wasting building materials and we have a broken window.
Marcks: No, this means that we will finally figure out who killed God!
Engels: Finally! Now I can get some—
[A final brick flies through the window, knocking Engels on the head again.]
Engels: Staaars...
[Engels falls unconscious.]
Marcks: What does this one say?
Frederick: "Sharp".
Marcks: Figures...
Frederick: So, what now?
Marcks: We lie in wait for the killer!
Frederick: Oh, okay. Can we get McDonald's afterwards?
Marcks: Umm, sure.
Frederick: Yay!
[Exeunt]
Scene II: Abandoned Warehouse[edit | edit source]
Frederick and Marcks enter the abandoned warehouse located at the corner of 10th and Bromley. It is dark, dank, and I believe I just stepped in dog urine.
Frederick: I found a box filled with teddy bears!
Marcks: Frederick, seriously. We're near the end of the play. Don't drag this out any farther.
[The sounds of distant footsteps are heard. Frederick and Marcks look around. A knife falls from a shelf. More distant footsteps.]
Marcks: Who's there?!
Frederick: Pooh's there? Oh, w—
Marcks: Shhh! Just shut up!
[A figure with a paper bag on his head comes out of the darkness.]
Marcks: Is that...?
Frederick: Hey, it's the Unknown Comic! Are we on "The Gong Show"?
[Marcks swats Frederick over the back of the head. The figure removes the paper bag on his head.]
The Ugliest Man: I am the ugliest man.
Frederick: Yes, you are.
[Marcks swats Frederick over the back of the head again.]
Marcks: Are you really the ugliest man?
The Ugliest Man: Yes, I am the ugliest man.
Marcks: Were you really the one that killed God?
The Ugliest Man: Yes, I am— well, actually, no; no, I'm not.
Marcks: What? But we were so sure!
Frederick: Well, you can't be right about everything.
The Ugliest Man: In fact, I just checked with that cute Borland girl. He's simply disappeared.
Marcks: We are looking for God?!
Frederick: No.
The Ugliest Man: Wha—?
Marcks: Explain yourself, Frederick.
Frederick: I know where he lies. Where has God gone? I shall tell you. We have killed him — you and I. We are his murderers. But how have we done this? How were we able to drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the entire horizon? What did we do when we unchained the earth from its sun? Whither is it moving now? Whither are we moving now? Away from all suns? Are we not perpetually falling? Backward, sideward, forward, in all directions? Is there any up or down left? Are we not straying as through an infinite nothing? Do we not feel the breath of empty space? Has it not become colder? Is it not more and more night coming on all the time? Must not lanterns be lit in the morning? Do we not hear anything yet of the noise of the gravediggers who are burying God? Do we not smell anything yet of God's decomposition? Gods too decompose. God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we, murderers of all murderers, console ourselves? That which was the holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet possessed has bled to death under our knives. Who will wipe this blood off us? With what water could we purify ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we not ourselves become gods simply to be worthy of it? There has never been a greater deed; and whosoever shall be born after us — for the sake of this deed he shall be part of a higher history than all history hitherto.
[pause]
Marcks: Frederick, I am astonished!
The Ugliest Man: I'm confused. Didn't you used to be stupid?
Frederick: Weren't you beaten with an ugly stick?
The Ugliest Man: Yes, I was beaten with an ugly— hey! You damn teasing bastard! I'll kill you!
[The Ugliest Man charges at Frederick with a knife.]
Frederick: Catch!
[Frederick tosses the box filled with teddy bears at the Ugliest Man. The Ugliest Man is bonked by the box, falls forward, and accidentally impales himself on his own knife.]
The Ugliest Man: OW!!!
Marcks: Well, serves you right for being so ugly.
The Ugliest Man: You know, the worst part about my death is that I'm going to be late for work tomorrow. [Dies]
Frederick: And so it goes.
[Frederick lays his hat over the Ugliest Man's face.]
Marcks: Frederick, I am simply delighted by your sudden growth in intellect! I do believe that your brilliance will make you the greatest thinker that this world will ever see in its history. Do you agree with me on this matter?
Frederick: Buttered toast!
[Pause]
Marcks: Never mind.
[Exeunt Omnes]