User:Hyperbole/Duckapple
Duckapple is the blog of a British teenager named Alex. The site consists of twelve articles, divided into three sections.
Section one: General Crabs[edit | edit source]
The most popular section on Alex's blog, "General Crabs" consists of seven articles that claim to be about public lice, but are instead generic profanity-laden rants, mostly about pop culture. Each has been read an average of forty times; it is impossible to tell how many of these reads were by Alex himself. Duckapple acknowledges that "This section is full of shit."
The first of these articles is called "STD Recipes: Gonorrhea." The article, illustrated in MS-Paint, claims that gonorrhea can be cured with a mixture of gravel and brine. An informal poll of the article's only reader, me, reveals that it is neither useful, funny, nor creative.
The second article, titled "Dr. Bastard:Bastard Chess" appears to be about the show "House, M.D." and/or licking arrogant people, but, frankly, it is too incoherent to tell.
The third article is less an "article" as it is Alex whining about how no one liked his remix of something called "Owl City." Apparently, four people listened to the remix, and their comments were, in chronological order, "You did a horrible job"; "This sounds shit with all your fucking crappy stuff on it"; "This is a fucking disgrace"; and "Dude, this is pretty stupid." Inexplicably, Alex has chosen to brag about the poor reception his inept remix received.
The fourth article, entitled "Brandy, With Me #1: My Aunt" announces that it was written while drunk, and is an essentially unreadable story about dumping pig feces on a fictional aunt.
In the fifth article, Alex insults someone named "Alex Evans," a person with whom he is unfamiliar. Unsurprisingly, the article is wholly uninteresting. Alex then goes on to reveal himself to have "turned sixteen a month ago."
The sixth article is written by a guest author who calls himself "McAnger." McAnger announces that he is going to write an article about Israel, but instead posts a few facts about pears. McAnger cannot write.
The seventh and final article, entitled "Top 5 Fake Top 10 Lists," is a list of five subjects about which one would not be likely to write a top ten list. I would like to add a sixth suggestion: "Top 10 Duckapple articles."
Section 2: Chatlog[edit | edit source]
The "Chatlog" section contains three IRC chat logs. In the first, Alex spends about half an hour impersonating a teenage girl and sending random photos from his hard drive to a teenage boy. It is not entertaining.
I couldn't bring myself to read the other two.
Section 3: Alex's Hernia Fun Page[edit | edit source]
Alex's Hernia Fun Page consists of two articles about things Alex dislikes.
First, Alex claims to dislike Vic Reeves. I don't know who Vic Reeves is, and the article doesn't enlighten me.
Second, Alex claims to dislike Uncyclopedia. Alex claims that Uncyclopedia's humor is similar to a Mad Lib: simply tell an incoherent story, replacing nouns with "zany" nouns in "Mad Libs" style, and you have an Uncyclopedia article. Alex has, apparently, never read "Brandy, With Me #1: My Aunt," material so zany, so incoherent, and so poorly written that it would certainly face deletion on Uncyclopedia.