User:Histpanola/Floyd Jones
“Two words... He... sucks... fuck it, balls, he sucks balls. There, I said it.”
“He reminds me of Jenny.”
“I'd punch him in the taint if I ever saw him again!”
“Is he... Bizzzaaarrroooooo!”
“I'm no doctor, but that mo-fo is dead, you hear me, dead!”
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Floyd Jones was born a poor, man... woman... thing, whose exploits are only really known in Thailand. He was the grammy winner in 1309 for the best rock song of that year and has been discribed as incredibly transcendent of things. Though he was given to Ik-lan Bantinor and his wife Bob Wade, he was actually born a fully grown man/woman in a freak birth which killed the biological mother. The biological father was Satan's brother, Archangel Earl Rockifeller, who created Floyd to restore ballance to the a world with someone as awesome as David Bowie, hence his name being oposite to that of David Bowie. His creation is similar to that of Silencedesert in opposition to Soundgarden, Black David in opposition to Pink Floyd, and in opposition to Jimmy Hendrix, not-Jimmy Hendrix.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Floyd Jones was immediately recognized for his incredibly retarded speech, as he can only say the word "housey", which he actually think means "horsey". Thus, he was cast out of the family from which he was raised, and began to wander the globe. He found himself in Los Angles where he began to partake in the dangerous practice of "Street Sweeping" which, in short, is roaming the streets trying to get raped. He was very successful, and when he was raped by the great Stephen Spielberg, his acting talent was recognised and Floyd Jones had his big break in "Jaws" where he played Shark #1. He was nominated for an acadamy award for His role in E.T as "E.T" as well, but lost out to Pauly Shore, for Biodome.
Career as a professional Bizzaro[edit | edit source]
Aside from his brief but brilliant performances in the films of Stephen Spielberg, Floyd Jones has also been a rodeo clown and the tallest midget in the band Mini-Kiss. However, while in Mini-Kiss Jones battled his addiction to Dove soap, and he soon had to drop from the '76 tour before they could even reach their third venue, The Viagra Dome, in Camden N.J. During rehab, Jones produced a musical among his fellow rehabies, entitled "The 10 reasons why rehab sucks ass". Jones Played the lead, Phil Anselmo played opposite him as his mysterious lover, and Kurt Cobain played the their dog spot, who incidentily, had the most lines. The play was given 2 stars, but this was only because the sex scene between Anselmo and Jones looked so realistic. After he was rehabilitated, he went right back on to soap, this time Irish Spring. However, no one found out about this until years later in an interview with Bizzaro People Magazine. Jones contemplated re-joining with his tiny compatriots, but when approched to make his own record with Broken Cherry Record's chief agent, Bruce Dickinson, he couldn't resist a solo career. He entered the studio in the late summer of '83. In one 24 hour session his band manager was heard saying the following about Jones' music.
“Floyd came in yea, strummed out this tune right, and I said 'that's a number one record'”
However, with the pressure for the album's success, and with the god of rock, David Bowie in oposition to Jones at every turn, failure was assured. That year Jones relesed his album. Entitled The Woman Who Bought the World from the Man Who Was Selling It, Jones was determined to strike gold, but unfortunatly for him, Bowie's release of his album, The Man Who Sold The World To the Woman Who Felt Like Buying It(later renamed simply "The Man Who Sold The World"), which did much better than Floyd Jones' take on almost the same exact album. Their similarity would spark tensions in the court room, when Floyd Jones sued David Bowie for copyright infringement.
The Court Battle[edit | edit source]
Bowie was brought to court by Jones, who by that time had enough of Bowie's consistant success. On July 23, 1984 they met in court to fight it out. Jones brough an axe, where as Bowie brought a scimatar he had named Excalabur 2: The Search For Curly's Gold. The battle was epic, and lasted over two years. It directly caused the eruption at Mt. St. Hellen, the Iran-Contra affair, the term "far out!", the movies "St. Elmo's Fire" and "The Breakfast Club" (both of which had the same exact cast), and Regans re-election.
But on July 29, 1986, 666 days after the battle began, the battle ended when god took the form of a Judge, and ruled in favor of Bowie due to his awesomeness. He then decreed Jones "totaly ghey" and decided that he would be forever banished to San Fransisco, the island prison of the Gays. When Jones questioned the ruling, in that it was a class action suit and not a criminal trial, the Judge (ie. God) made Jones cut off his left ear, and then put it in His own private ear-jar. This event in human history is known today as the Scopes-Moneky trial.
Today[edit | edit source]
Even now, as we speak, Floyd Jones is plotting the demise of David Bowie from his flamboyant prision of San Fransisco. He has also sworn alligance to Ralph, a homless man who promises Jones that they will sleep togeather, but is just using Floyd for the money which Floyd promises he has, but doesn't really. He spends his days trying to find the answer to the age old questions "Where's the beef", "What you talkn' 'bout", and "Why did Kennedy kill Marilyn Monroe". So far he's only found out that the beef is somewhere in Misoula.