User:Highly uncorporated/sandbox
The Germanic-mongol Xenowar (5272 bc-?)
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- **The Germanic-Mongol Xenowar: A Saga of Chaos and Cosmic Miscalculations**
The **Germanic-Mongol Xenowar** was an ancient, intergalactic conflict fought between two hyperpower civilizations: **The Sino-Siam-Germanic-Finnic Empire** and **The Mongo-African Khaganate**. Historians still debate its origins, its true timeline, and—more importantly—whether anyone actually knew what was happening when it began. What is certain is that this war stretched across **Hyperborea, the Atlantic, the Canadian Snows, Zealand, Greater Adria, Sunda, New Caledonia, Balkanatolia, and even Outer Space**.
It was a war fought with **hyperstellar fleets, planet-shattering weaponry, and questionable military tactics**, leading to **the extinction of all humans and several unfortunate animals caught in the chaos**. Entire civilizations crumbled, and in the aftermath, only scattered relics—**cave paintings and mysterious Martian artifacts**—remained to tell the tale.
Belligerents[edit | edit source]
The Sino-Siam-Germanic-Finnic Empire (Masters of unnecessary efficiency)
The Mongo-African Khaganate (Expert horse riders and snack hoarders)
The Corn Technocracy (Believes war should only be fought after popcorn breaks)
The Moon (Joined because Earth was making too much noise)- File:Trying-to-make-flag-for-a-fictional-country-v0-5pmbui67lmce1.webp Neo-Zhy (Pretended to help)
Enemies[edit | edit source]
- Hyperstellar Battle Ducks (No one saw them coming. No one survived their quacks.)
- The Rogue Accountant Guild (Funded both sides while charging hidden fees)
- The Bacterial Bureaucrats (Slowly taking over civilization through paperwork)
- The Multiverse That Got Nuked (Existed. Then didn’t.)
- Mars’ Unpaid Debts (Started a war over a forgotten space parking ticket)
- **The Origins of War: A Galactic Who-Dunnit**
It is theorized that war officially began when **Mars invaded the 1st Ghaganate of Battle**, igniting mass hysteria among nations who, quite frankly, were not prepared for an interplanetary conflict. The problem was that no one knew *who* actually ordered the invasion—every major power in existence immediately denied responsibility and, in a stunning display of diplomacy, started **randomly blaming each other**.
Thus began the **Great Blame Game**, a period in which emperors, warlords, and corporate overlords scrambled to prove that *someone else* was at fault. Tensions skyrocketed, alliances shattered, and generals found themselves trapped in increasingly ridiculous accusations. One anonymous letter even suggested that a **rogue group of hyper-intelligent space hamsters** had orchestrated the attack from the shadows.
- **The First Moves: Strategic Genius or Cosmic Idiocy?**
As accusations turned into actual warfare, **the Corn Technocracy** and **Neo-Zhy** aligned themselves with the **Germanic Empire**, hoping to prevent the Mongol-African forces from achieving total dominance. The ensuing battles spanned entire continents, with each side deploying **state-of-the-art war mechs, quantum disruptor cannons, and questionable strategic decisions**.
In **Hyperborea**, soldiers had to navigate frozen landscapes while **dodging missile strikes and unexpected ice-skating tournaments**. **The Canadian Snows** became a nightmare battleground where slipping on ice was a bigger problem than enemy fire. **Greater Adria**, however, transformed into a **glorious gladiator arena**, as generals on both sides decided it was simply too scenic to waste on traditional warfare.
Meanwhile, in **Balkanatolia**, war plans collapsed entirely when an army division accidentally **started a highly competitive soccer tournament using plasma grenades**. Instead of victory, the only prize was **a one-way ticket to the nearest emergency medical tent**.
- **The Moon and Mars Join the Chaos**
As the war raged across Earth, **the Moon and Mars** were drawn into the conflict, each supporting the Germanic Empire in its bid to **prevent complete annihilation**. The Moon, known among historians as **“Prime Sh*t-Freaked Belligerent,”** became an unlikely hero in stopping the madness.
However, Mars, desperate to maintain its influence, **launched Hyperstellar Space Ultra Nukes**, intended to obliterate the Germanic Empire once and for all. In an *unfortunate* miscalculation, one Ultra Nuke **accidentally entered another multiverse**, causing said multiverse to **explode in its entirety**.
The destruction rippled across realities, triggering the **rapid and unexplainable collapse** of every warring empire. No one truly understood how it happened, but scientists now suspect that it was caused by **an ancient, unknown force that got fed up with the war and simply “turned it off.”**
- **The Moon’s Final Intervention: The Words That Ended It All**
Realizing that Earth—and possibly the entire cosmos—was **seconds away from imploding**, **the Moon took action**. Deploying a fleet of **superstellar ships**, it broadcast a final transmission across the galaxy:
- “Stop the freaking—it’s a shame, lil bro.”**
These words, so powerful and incomprehensible, reverberated across space, **shattering the morale of every remaining soldier**. The war **ended immediately**, as warriors, generals, and political leaders alike stared at their screens in confusion, nodded, and **agreed to just go home**.
Thus, the **Germanic-Mongol Xenowar** came to a chaotic and unforeseen end.
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- **The Legacy of Xenowar: Mysteries That Remain**
Even today, historians struggle to **pinpoint its true timeline**, theorizing that it ended **somewhere between 9000 and 10,000 years ago**. Among modern scholars, **two key hypotheses dominate discussions**:
1. **The Thus-Ken Thesis** – which suggests the war was caused by **intergalactic miscommunication, mass hysteria, and extreme pettiness**. 2. **The Ancient Alien Hypothesis** – which argues that **hyper-advanced extraterrestrials orchestrated events purely for their own entertainment**.