User:Ggarfield/NorisFanFic

Spiderman awoke that morning to see Chuck flipping pancakes in the kitchenette of their hotel room. He couldn't help but admire Chuck's sleek muscular arms as they nimbly launched the flapjacks in the air.

"Mornin' sunshine," said Chuck, a wide grin on his face.

"Good morning Chuck, said Spiderman, are you ready for another day of fighting crime?"

At that momement, Pikachu came in. He was wearing his favorite blue party hat, and looked fresh on account of having spent the last half an hour draining car batteries in lower L.A. with his paws.

"Pika! Pika!" he said.

"That's right Pikachu, we got some work to do if we are going to stop the anti-gay movement in California once and for all".

Spiderman grabbed his pants from over by the door and headed to the laundry room to wash up after a long night of partying. As he was trying to oxyclean the stains out of his tights, he began to feel guilty. I mean, it had been for the best that he had left New York. He had done it to protect Mary Jane. It wasn't really his fault that he was cheating on her, and it had to be with Pikachu and Chuck, because no other people in the universe were able to defend themselves like those two. Obviously, he had done the logical thing, but that didn't make him feel any less guilty.

Pikachu was in a good mood this morning. He loved draining batteries because it gave him the energy he needed to work alongside Master Chuck and Spidey. Pikachu wasn't really sure why Master Chuck was with Spidey or what they were up to, but he didn't really care either. Pikachu knew one thing, he liked to electrocute the shit out of old ladies and homeless people, and as long as he got to keep doing that he didn't really care what was going on. He wasn't really sure why they required him to breed them every night, but he didn't mind that either. He just wondered when they were going to figure out he was a giant electrical mouse.

Chuck Noris began the day like he always did, by polishing his gun. Chuck loved to polish his gun, especially in public. In fact, he often walked around L.A. polishing his gun and occasionally letting off a shot. If people objected, he simply roundhouse kicked their heads off, but almost no one ever did that because they were too shocked by the size of his gun.

Today was an important day for the team. Spiderman had finally located one of their primary targets, the president of California's God Hates Gays chapter. Chuck and Spiderman had devised a plan to bring justice to him once and for all. They would set out at nightfall to set their trap.

That afternoon while Chuck was adjusting Spiderman's tights and pikachu was googling pictures of mice doing it on wikipedia, Raptor Jesus rang. Spiderman answered the phone by launching his spider silk across the room and grabbing it.

"Hello, this is Chuck's place," said Spiderman.

"Rawr, rawr rawr.....grrr.....rawr," said Raptor Jesus.

"Shit, really?"

"Rawr" was the only reply that came across the line, then Raptor Jesus hung up.

"Who was that?" asked Chuck.

"Oh, it was just the cable company, they are raising your bill," said Spiderman suspiciously.

"That's impossible," said Chuck, "I always pay for it by kicking them in the face".

"PICKACHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" echoed from the computer study, the electricity surged in the building.

"Pika, stop looking up mouse porn!" shouted Chuck, "You'll end up getting the cops over here, and then I will have to spend all evening beating them up."

Spiderman would normally have laughed, but he did not. He had more important things on his mind. If what Raptor Jesus had said was correct, then they all had something to worry about.

That night, the three of them set out for the apartment of Steve Jobbs. It had taken Spiderman months to determine the true identity of the president of the California chapter of God Hates Gays, but he had finally done it. He had made the discovery, almost as if by fate, one night when a popup came up saying "Does Steve Jobbs hates gays? Vote now and receive and $50 gift card". The truth had never been clearer to Spiderman.

They made their way around the back, and rung the doorbell. A young man answered the door. "Im sorry, this is a private residence." Chuck grabbed him by the throat. "I'm not fooling around, kid, until you want make to take residence in your privates, you better take me to Steve right away". "Ye....yes sir," the boy chocked out.

The boy took them through the apartment and to an elevator shaft that lead to a secret underground lair. Once in the lair, Chuck Noris threw the boy over his shoulder to save for some fun later. Then, he proceeded to round house kick Steve Jobb's super awesome guard robots while Spiderman trapped their operators in giant web, and pikachu overloaded the circuits to stop the alarm from sounding.

Spiderman went ahead down the hall, ready for the next surprise. What he found, he never could have expected. There, in bed with Steve Jobbs was Mary Jane holding an Uzi.

"You broke my heart, Spiderman. And now you must pay," she sobbed, "I set this trap for you with the help of my new lover Steve Jobbs".

"No Mary, it's not what you think....let me explain. Raptor Jesus warned me you were coming for me...but I didn't expect this. It's not what you think."

Mary Jane was hearing none of it. By now Chuck had arrived at the door just in time to see Mary pull the trigger.

"Nooooooooooooo," he shouted as he dived for Spiderman's fallen body. Tears in his eyes, he rose covered in blood. "You killed him. He was my one true love, and you killed him. Now you must pay!"

But Chuck had not seen Steve sneak up behind him. Steve smashed him on the head with a giant Dell PC, killing Chuck instantly.

"Ahha," said Steve, "I knew that PC from Bill had to be good for something. I was right!"

Pikachu saw the whole thing, but figured they hadn't noticed him so he just booked it. Really, he was relieved, now he was a free pokêmon again. Pikachu spent the rest of his days electrocuting old ladies and committing robberies, which was about 40 because mice don't live very long. Mary Jane and Steve Jobbs got married that Spring, and now are both openly anti-gay and working together to oppress fags. Raptor Jesus has finally gotten over the lose of his best friend, and is now working as a UN Translator.