User:Frosty/Seven Drinking Buddies of Cthulhu
In The Beginning[edit | edit source]
Once upon a time, Cthulhu and Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos, were discussing the deity bussiness over a cyclopean amount of vodka. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. The two Old Ones looked at each other. "Who could that be?" asked Cthulhu. "I mean, why would anybody be down in the drowned city of R'lyeh, with its putrid, Deep One infested waters and maddening non-Euclidean geometry, and then knock? Gibbering and moaning I could understand, but what sort of being would have enough mental fortitude left to knock on the great gate of my chamber?"
"Dunno, 'Lhu," replied Nyarlathotep, "But you'd better answer it."
Great Cthulhu lumbered over to his massive door, and, with a gurgle of effort, pulled it open. There was no one there.
"Spooky," muttered the god, began to close it, when suddenly he heard a cry of "Oy! Down here!" Cthulhu looked down and saw three of the strangest creatures he had ever seen. None of them had tentacles or gills, and only one had wings.
"Hi there," the winged creature callled up. "We're your new neighbors! This is my little brother Jesus," the winged one gestured to the figure at his left.
"Howdy!" said the little bearded being amiably.
"Here's my half-brother Buddha," countinued the winged one, pointing to the figure at his right.
"Wazzup?" called the plump little creature.
"And I'm Mephistopheles," the winged one finished. "Though I prefer to be called 'Mr. Applegate'. I just love the sound of it".
Cthulhu gaped with both his mouths, though it was hard to see under the tentacles. "What are you guys?" he demanded.
"Us?" asked Mephisto, "Well, I'm a demon, Jeesy Chreesy here is a Messiah, and Buddha is a... um..."
"I'm enlightened," said Buddha in a slightly annoyed tone of voice.
"Well lah-de-dah," muttered Nyarlathotep "I'm soul and messenger of the Other Gods, but you don't hear me bragging about it."
"Anyway," said Mephistopheles, "We're the new supernatural beings on the block, and-"
"Wait just a mind-melting minute here!" snapped Cthulhu. "You mean you're gods?"
The tiny beings looked at one another.
"Erm, I'm a third of a god," Jesus called up. "Does that count?"
"Just listen a minute, old timers," said Mephisto. "I'll explain."
It turned out a lot had happened while the Great Old Ones were snoozing. Some new deity who didn't even have a proper name had started moving around, bringing light into the universe ("I'll stick to good old reliable darkness, thank you," put in Nyarlathotep) and creating strange little bipeds called "humans". But before he had done that, he made a daughter, Satan, a son, Mephistopheles, and several other angels. Satan had a bit of a falling out with Her father ("Teenagers," Nyarlathotep lamented) and founded Her own plane of existance, Hell. Mephisto, loyal brother that he was, was going to go with Her, but the new god had begged him to stay, as Mephisto was the only supernatural being who knew how to work the coffee machine. In the end, it was agreed that Mephisto would be both and angel and a demon, and have roughly the same divine status as 81 Popes, once Popes were invented.
After that, humans were fruitful and multiplied, and several other young gods quickly converted them. Buddha had the bright, if unconventional, idea that instead of worshipping the gods, people should strive to better themselves and forget the material world unil they achieved true understanding. Mephisto liked the cut of his jib, and hired Buddha as a human nature consultant on the spot.
Jesus, it seemed hadn't been so lucky. He was also the child of the new god, like Satan and Mephistopheles, but he was fully mortal. He had tried to spread a religion of peace and love, but humanity hadn't liked the sound of that, so they nailed him to a cross ("Spare the lightening bolts and spoil the congregation," cackled Nyarlathotep). They then took Jesus' teachings and made them a lot more hostile to other faiths, and proceeded to convert the world at sword point, despite the fact Jesus told them to do just the opposite.
"In the humans' defense," Mephistopheles said, "Jesus' way would have been to let themselves be trampled into the dust."
Jesus glared at the angel/demon.
"I just think the world would be a lot better if-"
"If everyone were nice," Mephisto cut the Messiah off, rolling his eyes. "It doesn't work like that."
"Now see here," Buddha said, "I think young master Christ here has a point."
While the three smaller entities were arguing, Nyarlathotep leaned over to Cthulhu.
"Were you listening?" grumbled the Crawling Chaos. "We've been upstaged by a bunch of Johnny-come-lately deities. We used to rule the cosmos, and now this!"
"Now, now, Nyarly," whispered Cthulhu "These fellows seem decent enough. And I'm sure we can get a few of those humans to worship us if we muck around with their heads while they sleep."
Cthulhu turned back to his little guests.
"Say guys," said Cthulhu, "Nyarlathotep and I really have to be going. The Deep Ones don't opress themselves, after all, but how about you invite a few other gods over some time and you can tell us a little more of what we've missed? Who knows, maybe we can wake up a few more of our friends too. "
"That depends," replied Mephistopheles. "Is some form of alchohol going to be provided?"
"Of course," intoned the ancient cyclopean horror.
"Count us in," Mephisto grinned.
The Formation of the Group[edit | edit source]
And so, every Friday, a group of influential supernatural beings gathered in R'leyh for a drink and some talk. There was Jesus, Buddha, Mephisto, Nyarlathotep and Cthulhu, of course, but so came Eris, Goddess of Discord, Loki, God of Mischeif, Osiris, King of the Dead, Baba Yaga, a sweet little old lady, Merlin, wizard extarordinaire, og-Sothoth, the Gate and the Key, Shub-Niggurath, the Goat with a Thousand Yong, and Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies.
Cthulhu had to admit, all the company was nice after countless aeons of slumber in the greatest depths of the ocean.
Then one fateful day there was another knock at the door. Cthulhu opened it, and in hopped a strange little man in a turban.
"OH MY GODS, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY HERE!!!!!" shouted the stranger.
Cthulhu blinked
"How did you get hundreds of miles beneath the surface of the sea, mortal? " he asked. "And how are you breathing?"
"That's not important," said the funny little man breathlessly. "My name's Abdul Alhazred and I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!!!"
Cthulhu was rather taken aback.
"Anyway," continued the little man, "like I said, my name's Abdul, but everyone calls me the Mad Arab, can't think why, and I've dedicated my whole life to learning about, y'know, those things which mortal man was not meant to comprehend, and especially the Great Old Ones. And I've written it all down! I came here to show you!"
Alhazredl held up a sinister-looking tome.
"I call it the Al Azif 1. Neat, huh?"
"Wait a moment," said Jesus, who had been thinking. "You said your name's "Alhazred"? That's not an Arabic name. I'm Jesus. I know these things."
The Mad Arab's face took on an eerily calm expression, and a little muscle began to twich under his right eye.
"Yes," he said. "Yes, I am aware of that. People always feel they need to remind me of that. People out here and," he pointed to his temple, "People in here. They always tell me. All the time. All the time. Allthetimeallthetimeallthetimeallth-Ia Ia Cthulhu Fhtagn!!!!!"
After the brief scuffle between Jesus and Abdul, all the sharp things were locked up and it was decided that the Mad Arab would be allowed in the club, despite the protests of the Messiah.
"Oh, wow!" Alhazred shouted. "I can't believe I'm one of the...the...say, what's this group called, anyway?"
"Hmm," Mephisto said. "Guess we never thought of that. Any ideas?"
Various names were shouted out.
"How about Those Who Lurk Below?"
"How about The Powers of The Night?"
"How about Merlin's Associates of Mystical Wonders?"
Everyone stared at the old enchanter, who had suddenly become very interested in his shoes.
"No," said Mephistopheles, "It's Cthulhu's city. The name should be related to Cthulhu."
"How about The Seven Drinking Pals of Cthulhu?" asked Jesus.
"That would be fine, except for one small problem," said Buddha. "There are fourteen of us."
"No," said Jesus. "It's worse than that. You can't count Cthulhu because he can't be his own drinking pal. There are thirteen of us."
"So?" said Loki.
"You all know how I feel about the number thirteen," Jesus said darkly.
"Oh, that's right," said Mephisto with a grin. "Judas was your thirteenth Apostle, right?"
"Well, I can understand that," said Eris. "But there are a lot of other numbers. Why couldn't we call ourselves the Five Drinking Buddies of Cthulhu?"
"Seven's good luck, thirteen's bad luck," Jesus said flatly.
"This is stupid," said Buddha. "We'll be remembered as the group of immortals with the stupidest name possible."
"Oh, humor the man-god," said Mephistopheles. "The religion he was betting on lost the Crusades."
- 1 The Arabic name for the Necronomicon
The Seven (Thirteen Really) Drinking Buddies of Cthulhu[edit | edit source]
- Nyarlathotep
- Jesus
- Mephistopheles
- Buddha
- Baba Yaga
- Merlin
- Loki
- Eris
- Osiris
- Yog-Sothoth
- Shub-Niggurath
- Beelzebub
- Abdul Alhazred (See The Necronomicon)