User:Foreverunbroken/Whyalla

Whyalla: The Place Where Dreams are Destroyed Before They Take Their First Breath

Things to Do

A typical pasttime in Whyalla, South Australia is the all important 'chucking a beachy'. During this sacred procedure, a car, preferably containing more than one person, so the person driving doesn't look like a loner derro, goes down the main street and circles the car park of the beach several times. Whyalla citizens treat this ritual with the utmost respect, and anyone who speaks otherwise about it will be thrown in molten steel.

When completely bored, a family trip to Westlands, the local shopping centre, is in order. Westlands is an accepting place; no one is required to wear shoes, and so many choose not to. Westlands contains a record breaking three clothing stores for the teenage population, so variety is now easily accessible. Whyalla kids now celebrate that after buying a pair of shoes, only 60-70% of the population will own the same pair! Most stores in Westlands aren't open on the weekend or past 5:30 pm, so shopping is more an extreme sport than a pasttime in Whyalla. To get to Westlands, often people must beat the rush of traffic; there have been reports of more than four cars on the road at once in the past. Whyalla people are not adjusted to such extreme conditions, and many cannot handle the pressure.

Westlands contains many beautiful sights; at the right time of day, a well known group of young men and women can be seen frolicking outside the main entrance, smoking and dry humping one another. 50% of the Whyalla population was conceived outside the Westlands doors during this process. The Westlands entrance humping is yet another sacred ritual.

On a hot day, many Whyalla people flock to the local beach. The sand long ago stopped being visible under mountains of dry seaweed piled up on the beach, and the first several metres of water contains a layer of sharp rocks beneath it, but there are ways around this. Shark eggs decorate the seaweed like Christmas Tree ornaments, and many an AIDs infested syringe can be found buried upright under a pile of sand, waiting for the pleasure of a young child to come running by.

Only the coolest of the cool kids have found the most entertaining pasttime in Whyalla, and many are still deemed unworthy of this act. Of course, as you may already know, this is referring to parking outside of the McDonald's (Macca's) carpark, holding deep and meaningful conversations about who's the week's new slut, how many girls under 15 fell pregnant that month, and where to find the latest drug dealers.

Family is greatly valued in Whyalla. Many people would choose to stay home and participate in a family bonding session involving flame throwers and axes. Of course, there are always a few loners that would rather ignore their beloved family members and wander the streets with no clothes or shoes, rolling in the mud and pondering the meaning of life.

For the younger citizens of Whyalla, ghetto parties are bountiful. A 13 year old in Whyalla will never find themselves bored at night; there will always be a backyard party present, during which wholesome activities such as shooting up, rooting someone in the bushes or on the trampoline, swinging from the clothesline, or just generally getting shitfaced take place. Young girls from nine to eleven learn their first crucial steps in sluttiness at parties like these, through learning how to dirty dance and how exactly to strip gracefully. An educational experience, the ghetto party is not something a Whyalla teenager can miss.

Contrary to popular belief, Whyalla is, in fact, far superior to its neighbours Port Pirie and Port Augusta. A moment should be taken to consider the unfortunates that live in these two towns.

The Typical Whyalla Citizen

The Whyalla citizen can be spotted from afar due to many easy telltale signs. By the age of 25, most will be grossly obese; if the BMI scale reports them as above 40-50, chances are they were both born and raised in Whyalla. Cancer is bountiful in this great town, due to years of inhalation of a magical red dust that sprinkles the town several times a week. If a Whyalla citizen is wearing shoes, it's either a special occasion, like their Holy Communion, or they are lying about their identity. A Whyalla child is easiest to identify when they are female, as more often than not they will be sporting maternity wear. Often, a range of puncture marks will decorate their arms.

Up until the age of 18, there is a stark difference between the private and public school children. The ones that attend the private schools are prestigious and intelligent, and have access to only the highest quality drugs and liquor. They can often be seeing making references to God, particularly during wild sex.

The public school kids are the self professed 'cool ones'. They rarely have an interest in education, and are more often than not the host of the sacred ghetto parties. Public school kids tend to leave school young due to early pregnancy, TAFE attendance, an apprenticeship, or an acceptance into the local jail.

The difference between public school and private school children is especially apparent at a younger age. During Primary school and the first few years of high school, the private school kids are already sporting the latest fashions from Adelaide, whereas the public school kids seem to be permenantly stuck in the 90s, often wearing 'flared' jeans and getting haircuts that don't include any layers and allow them to have hair parted directly down the middle.

One Steel: The third entrance to the underworld.

9 out of 10 men in Whyalla spend their time working at one steel, earning a living for their family at the cost of a range of cancerous growths. One steel has its own hierarchy inside, depending on which of the areas a man may work in. Engineers are scarce in Whyalla, and usually have to be flown in from South Africa. Surprisingly, racism is very sparing in the case of South African citizens; more often than not, South Africans are simply classed as white people, and are therefore treated with greater respect, yet less benefits, than all Aboriginal members of the community.