User:Fishalishalish/Franco-Prussian War
The Franco-Prussian War was a war that occurred between Spanish dictator Francisco Franco and his friend Otto Von Bismarck beginning in 1870 and ending with Franco’s death in 1975. It’s most lasting legacy is, perhaps, the invention of the Frankfurter.
Origins of the Conflict[edit | edit source]
Francisco Franco and Otto Von Bismarck were once known across continental Europe to be good friends, to the point that some would even consider them besties. They had been tutored by the same Catholic nun in the third grade, played on the polo team together, and continued to hang out with eachother all throughout high school. Entering into adulthood and forced to take up the roles that their royal lineages dictated, this friendship, however, soon became strained.
The Bankok Conversation[edit | edit source]
On April 12th 1869, Francisco Franco and Otto Von Bismarck were playing cards in a massage parlor in Bangkok. Franco, his hands greasy from German sausages that Otto had brought to the gathering, began wondering if there was some sort of way for him to continue to play cards while simultaneously filling his insatiable hunger: "Perhaps an absorbent bun in which to hold the sausages, or a doughy 'blanket' of some sort". Otto was initially thrilled by the notion. Nevertheless, the idea was soon forgotten, however, as the topic shifted to the issue of politics. At this time, Franco had been witholding a shipment of beanie babies following Germany’s refusal to release several of their best-selling pop albums to the Spanish public. After several hours of debate, the matter was settled when Franco personally agreed to trade his Jonas Brothers posters for a signed copy of the album "Up All Night" by One Direction. A verbal agreement to resume trade was made.
A mere seven minutes later however, at approximately 12:47PM, problems arose once again when Francisco failed to compliment Otto on his new hat. Otto, taking offense at this apparent oversight, made several malicious comments about Franco's taste in shoes and the situation quickly deteriorated from there. Otto called Franco's idea for a sausage bun "stupid", and an "insult to his proud German heritage", something that he claimed Franco "just wouldn't understand". Franco returned fire with comments about the skankiness of Von Bismarck's sister. Though attempts were made to reconcile the leaders by their mutual friend Joseph Stalin who had entered the room at this time with a platter full of Bagel Bites, tensions between the nations remained high for the ensuing months. The two retreated to their respective embassies later that night, bitter and heartbroken. It is widely suspected that Otto then made the first unofficial move of the conflict: Unfriending Francisco Franco on Facebook.
Preparation for war[edit | edit source]
Otto's friends back home were eagerly awaiting a new shipment of beanie babies from Spanish manufacturers. This was augmented by the fact that several decades prior, Napoleon IV, former emperor of France and a close associate of Francisco Franco's father, had borrowed several of his nation's prized national beanie babies but had never returned them, until a really long time after (~17 months). This led to accusation that they were being taken hostage. Though long resolved, the memory of the incident remained strong in the German people a general sense of mistrust lingered, particularly as Germany's favorite beanie baby, Peanut the elephant, had a little mustard stain on it when it was returned: one that they were definitely sure wasn't there before.
Upon hearing the news that Francisco Franco had backtracked on his offer and would continue the embargo, nationalist riots broke out across the capital of Peking (Anglicized: Berlin). People of all classes pushed for war with the Spanish, raiding armories and waving German flags as they punched eachother in the throat and shot at neighbor's dogs with bb guns. After a number of injuries to neighbor's dogs were reported, Von Bismarck called for a more organized attack in which they attacked the Spanish, potentially with their weapons. This was a novel idea to many German nationalists.
Otto attacks Franco on Twitter[edit | edit source]
Mustering the strength of his 17,000 followers, On June 5th, 1869, Otto made the first strike. The first phase of his attack began when he commanded all of his followers to either stop following Francisco Franco on Twitter or stop pretending to be friends with him altogether. Then, statements such as "I hate that guy he's such a dick" and "Remember when I said u looked like Harry Styles? Haha jk, that was a joke, asshole, u look like shit," erupted from the cannon's of Otto's Twitter account, sending shockwaves throughout the Twitter users of central Europe. Leaders who thought of the two former friends as "besties" now retracted their stated beliefs and began to doubt the power of having best friends altogether. Tweets in the vein of "But u guys like hang out all the time, y r u doing this?", tweeted by persons unaware of the recent events that led to the conflict, were met with heavy firepower. Franco remained silent throughout much of the fiasco, only updating his Twitter once to post pictures he had taken on a recent trip to Majorca.
The next phase occurred early in the morning of June 6th, while Francisco was reportedly still drinking his coffee. Otto commanded his remaining followers, now numbering at around 12,000, to repeatedly spam Francisco's Twitter until he responded. Tweets ranging from "Faggot" to "Skank" shot across cyberspace into Spanish lands, injuring thousands of civilians in the process. Though the majority landed, some malicious comments swayed off target and struck the Twitters of James Franco and the San Francisco Chamber of Commerce. The actor, struck repeatedly in the lower Ego, never fully recovered, while the city of San Francisco suffered a mild decrease in tourism during the span of that month. The Franco incident would later prove a valuable piece of information for the case against Twitter warfare during the Second Geneva Conventions.
On the night of the 6th, Francisco finally responded when his troops stormed the German embassy and took a number of German nationals hostage at gunpoint.
Texting[edit | edit source]
When news reached of the hostage situation, Otto responded by texting the question "Why r u taking my embassy? Thts rude.". Was unthinkable
Threatened to invade
Affects of the war[edit | edit source]
Francisco Franco would never again be the kindly ruler that his people had known him to be prior to the 1870s. Comtemporary biographers state that he war with Von Bismarck left him angry and distrustful, ultimately ruling his people with an iron fist.