User:ENeGMA/Aristocrats

This family walks into a talent agent's office. They are very well-dressed, featuring beautifully coiffed hair, golden pantaloons and several monocles per person. There are 4 of them, a father, Regis Douneskaller, a mother and wife, Appolonia Douneskaller-Bougeois, a son, Rex Douneskaller, a daughter, Ophelia Douneskaller. The proprietor of the talent agency says to them "What is it that you require?"

"Well," says Regis, the father, "we have an act that we'd like to share with you, if you don't mind."

"See, I'm not really into family acts, you know, not enough money in them nowadays."

"Oh really? Where, pray tell, is the money, other than in my bank account, naturally?"

"Hardcore pornography. Did you know over 60% of the internet is dedicated to hardcore porn, half of it 'schmink porn'?"

"What's 'schmink porn'?"

"Man, you don't even want to know..."

"Never mind that, would you at least be willing to give us a trial? I know we'll impress you, I'm certain of it."

"Alright, just make it quick."

The family begins their act, under the bemused stare of the talent agent:

"I do say, Rex, you need to start reading the Wall Street Journal. In the latest issue there's a fine by piece where this conservative African-American gentleman says thing about blacks that if I were to say would be unquestionably racist. But since he said them, it's perfectly OK."

"Really, dad? Because there's this one black kid who goes to my private school. Normally we just ridicule him behind his back but recently I've been tempted to befriend him. It'll really look good when future employers search my Facebook for me to have a black friend prominently displayed."

"That's good good thinking, Rex my boy, you've got to get a leg up on the competition if you want to work at Goldman Sachs and not get stuck in a dead-end job at Morgan Stanley."

"There's this other boy at my private school who's father works at Morgan Stanley. The other boys with fathers who work at Goldman Sachs sodomize him in the shower with a broom handle after gym class. At first we questioned the ethics of this, but we asked our Business Ethics teacher about it and he said we were just getting a head-start in a life."

"That Mr. Broderick is a fine gentleman. I need to call him up and arrange a golf junket so we'll have an excuse to get mashed up on cocaine for a few days. What say you to that, my dearest wife Appolonia?"

"I think that's a great idea, honey! You've been really stressed lately, since we haven't screwed in two years, maybe you can have an affair while you're gone so you'll stop masturbating onto me as I sleep."

"I very much that'll happen. The affair will happen, but the masturbation won't stop."

Just then their lovely daughter, Ophelia, walks in the door.

"Back from Harvard, missy?" says Regis, the father

"Yeah, I thought I'd come back to visit you guys. It's not that I miss you that much it's just that I need to keep our relationship close for networking purposes."

"That's my girl!"

Appolonia subtly winces.

"Yeah... I need more money."

"Why do you need more money, we give a $1000 a week?"

"Well, that's barely enough to cover my mescaline habit let alone pay off all the debts I've racked up betting on Hobo fights in Boston."

"What have I told you about gambling? People who gamble are poor, and so deserve to be laughed at. Are you poor, honey?"

"No, dad"

"Well, that's what I thought. Now here you go, here's $5,000. Don't spend it all in one place, Ophelia."

"Hey, dad, I've got something to tell you."

"What is it honey, you can tell me anything."

"I'm pregnant."

"Uhh-uhh-uhh who's the father?"

"You are, dad."

"Uhh-uhh-uhh what do you mean, h-h-honey?"

"Remember that one night I came back to the house tripped out on mescaline, and jerked off on me as I slept?"

"Vaguely."

"Well, yeah. I kind of impregnated myself when you left the room."

"Hmmm."

"Yeah."

"Well...there's only one thing I can say: Congratulations for keeping the Douneskaller money in the Douneskaller name. I'm glad you've learned well."

"I'm so proud of you, honey!"

"Thanks, mom!"

"Way to go, sis!"

"I'll let you jerk off on me sometime too, Rex."

"Really?! That'd be sweet!"

And on that note the whole family joins together in a group hug and smiles glowingly at the talent agent.

"Get the fuck out of my office!"

"But we're Aristocrats!"